It seems just like yesterday I found out I was pregnant. Today, I am waiting on a phone call from the elementary school to tell me who my daughter will have as a kindergarten teacher. Kindergarten. It seems to me that my “baby” girl should still be in diapers, toddling around, with a binky in her mouth, carrying her blanket and favorite doll around the house. How did she get to be a sassy, independent little thing who is getting ready to start elementary school?

Last weekend, we went and bought school supplies, along with new school clothes. She has a brand new “big girl” backpack. She also has a brand new lunch box that was purchased on a trip back in the spring.

Kindergarten. Nope. Still can’t wrap my head around it. When people told me how fast time would fly, I didn’t believe them. I thought I had plenty of time to enjoy my “baby” girl. It seems like I blinked and she had grown up on me. Kindergarten. Wow. This is “real” school. Having her home 3 out of 5 weekdays is getting ready to disappear. Having the ability to hang out at home on a Monday in jammies is getting ready to disappear. The ability to take her to a Wednesday morning play date is also getting ready to disappear. I had so much planned for her last summer before “real” school started and we have barely accomplished any of it.

Kindergarten. Yes, she is ready. We were blessed with the best MDO/ preschool program any parent could ask for. Her teachers worked with her to help prepare her for this milestone in her life. The director of her school loves all of her students and has worked to create and loving environment where the kids are excited to learn. Munchkin had the same teacher for her last 2 years at the school and I can’t even begin to put into words how I feel about her. I will say that my daughter has the teacher on a pedestal. If this teacher said anything, then to my daughter, it was as good as written in stone. My daughter has told me several times throughout the summer that she wishes this same teacher was going to be her kindergarten teacher. There are some pretty amazing teachers out there, but there will always be 1 or 2 that stand out to you and this teacher is definitely one of those teachers.

We haven’t made it to this point in my daughter’s life without the help of family and friends. My daughter has been blessed to have many loving adults speaking love and truth into her life. She has been surrounded by adults who have taken the time to invest her. I know that whatever life may throw at her in the years to come, she has a godly group of adults who will be there for her and to guide her.

The difference between my daughter and I at this point in time, is that I want to hold on tight and she is ready to go. We call her our “social butterfly” and “cruise director in training.” She is about as independent as they come. She has no fear when it comes to new social situations. Whenever we go to a park, or playground, or any other place, it never fails, she comes back and gives me information on a new friend or 2. My daughter talks about meeting new friends and has already starting planning playdates with kids she hasn’t even met yet. She is looking forward to playing on the new playground. She is even excited to go on her first field trip. Munchkin is ready to go and it’s time for her to go, but this mama’s heart is struggling. If it’s this bad and kindergarten hasn’t even started, I can’t fathom what middle school, high school and college will look like.

In a couple of weeks when she has completed her phase in day and started her first full day or week of school, I will share how we have both handled the transition. For now, my heart goes out to all of the mamas sending their first born kiddos off to kindergarten and those with kiddos hitting the next major milestones. As I have said to several other friends, there really ought to be a support group for this and chocolate should be mandatory at all the meetings.

The definition of transparent according to Webster’s Dictionary:

It’s Sunday night and we closed on our new home 12 days ago. As I type this post I am sitting on my back porch listening to my Caedmon’s Call station on Pandora. Honestly, I had begun to think that closing was going to be a dream I was going to be chasing for a good long while.

To recap, I resigned my position just shy of 2 years ago. After a long 11 months it looked like life was finally starting to settle down for us last April. Then, in June, the carpet was pulled out from under us once again and the lease/ purchase we were in fell apart. That began a long 9 month journey for us. I didn’t think about the time frame until just now. Buying a home and being pregnant have many similarities.

On July 2, 2014 we were told by a lender that we were approved for a home loan. After returning from a family vacation we began to look at homes. We found one that we liked and agreed on. That fell apart. We found a 2nd home that we loved and it ended up being a short sale.Long story short, that didn’t work out for us either.

My prayer had been that by the time my birthday rolled around in October we would finally be under contract. I guess I should have been a little more specific in my prayer. The Lord did answer that prayer and we were under contract by close of business on Friday, October 3rd. We had a closing date of 2 days before Thanksgiving. Our lender was not on top of his game and that date came and went. We had a 2nd closing date of December 15th. By the time that date rolled around, our lender decided that he couldn’t make it happen.

We had a choice. We could keep on fighting for our home, or we could walk away. Thankfully, we had a realtor who was not ready to give up and kept on fighting for us. He found us a new lender and struck a deal with the home owner. That being said, we ended up paying rent and utilities on a home we weren’t living in, plus rent and bills on the apartment we were living in. Even though it was a financial sacrifice, we felt that it allowed us to keep a home in a great neighborhood, in the area we had wanted to be in for a while. We knew in the end that it would allow us to have our kids in a great place and they were the main reasons we kept on fighting.

If you know anything about my husband’s business, you would know that January, February and March are usually times of famine for us. We don’t do anything extra and hope and pray that we get everything covered through the end of those 3 months. The Lord was truly Jehovah Jirah for us because He not only provided for our regular bills, but He provided enough to cover the house and the bills on the house. My husband and I know what a true blessing it was and give the Lord all the credit for the extra work that would just “pop up.”

Our new lender hit the ground running for us and once he had our new tax return in hand, he was able to set things in motion. We had a small scare with the second inspection, but thankfully, it all worked out in the end. As of March 31st at 10:38am we were officially home owners and residents of Mount Juliet.

I will put in a plug for Chad King and the rest of the folks over at Team Wilson. Our situation was not an easy one, but those guys worked so hard for us and I am beyond grateful for them! I will also say that the staff at The Glade Church, our friends and family members cheered us on, prayed with us and for us through out this whole process. There are no words to express my gratitude for them.

Our time in the apartment was not always easy. All 3 kids were in one room and they had no yard to play in. There were things in storage that we missed more than we thought we would. At times it felt like we were on an emotional roller coaster. There were times when my husband and Chad had to talk me down because I would get so frustrated and upset. The upside is that my family was together and as long as I had them it made the hard days a little easier.

Now that we are in and semi settled, what’s next? Well, as of last Tuesday I registered my blue eyed boy for his last year of day school and peanut for his first year over in the Kirby building with his big brother. Thursday I released a part of my heart and registered my “baby” girl for kindergarten. While walking through the registration process I did well. Once I walked out I looked at my husband and cried there on the sidewalk right there in front of the elementary school. My kids all start final and new chapters of school in the fall. I am excited to see how these chapters unfold for my 3 precious kiddos.

My husband is continuing to work on building his business and hopes to build a larger client base in our new area. While we would like to keep the clients he has, he desires to have a larger presence here in Wilson County. He is also teaching a class at our church on Wednesday nights and hopes to continue teaching in the fall.

As for me, I hope now that we are settled that I can focus on writing in a way that I haven’t been able to in the past. I hope to blog more than a couple of times a month. I am also praying that some opportunities to do guest writing will arise, as well as some speaking opportunities. I have been contemplating writing a book for several years now and I would like to put some time and attention in that area as well. My heart for women’s ministry has continued to grow over the past several months and pray for open doors in that area.

As for the family as a whole, we are working on getting unpacked as well as getting things how we want them. We did buy a project house, so it is going to take some time to finish many of those projects, but are very much excited to make it our own. We have enjoyed a little bit of exploring in our new neighborhood. There is a beautiful walking trail just up the road from us and we have already spent some time walking and running over there. Up in front of the kids’ new elementary school there is a pond and the kids have enjoyed watching the ducks, the turtles and the storks (at least I think they are storks). There are a couple of playgrounds that we still need to check out and over all, we would like to do more exploring around Mount Juliet and hope to find some hidden gems. We have met several of our neighbors and are thrilled that there are so many young families in this neighborhood. Everyone we have met so far has been sweet and welcoming.

Next month we will celebrate a couple of birthdays and Mothers’ Day. In June my husband and I will celebrate 10 years of marriage and will head to Gatlinburg for several days. We also have a trip planned to Michigan later on in the summer to visit my sister and that side of the family. We are looking forward to many celebrations and praying that this next season will be a season of rest and feeling like we can finally breathe again.

For now, I am going to say good night to all of you and look forward to many more back porch posts in the future. For all of you who have kept up with my blog over the past several months, I would like to say “Thank you” and hope to keep up with you as time goes on. If you have have questions or suggestions for blog posts, please don’t hesitate to ask. Thanks again and good night my friends.

My dear readers, this is a longer than normal post, but one I have had on my heart for several weeks now. Feel free to grab a glass of tea or a cup of coffee and head to your favorite spot. Settled? Great. Here we go…

As I have scanned Facebook over the past several weeks it seems that mental health issues have been a hot topic. There are many stories I have read that have caused me to cry and grieve. More than that, these articles have really proven that we as Americans do not understand mental health issues, nor do we have the type of support that we should in this great country. There is a serious need for mental health reform in this country. People also need to understand that mental health issues can be temporary, brought about by a life event, circumstance or set of circumstances. For others, there is a chemical imbalance or biological issue causing the mental health issues. That’s right; biology can play a part in mental health issues. There are some people of the mindset that all mental health issues are brought about by sin. Sadly, there are too many people who fall into this category, especially in our churches today. This in turn means that there are many people in our churches who need the help of a counselor/ therapist, but because of the stigma attached, they will not reach out and ask for help.

People dealing with mental health issues do not necessarily look like others think they would. The sad truth is that there are so many Americans walking around with an issue and those around them are clueless. When articles are posted about depression and anxiety, they often use pictures of people with looks of desperation on their faces or with people looking down and hands on their faces. Reality is that so many people have become expert actors in their day to day living and suffer in silence out of fear of being found out, fear of rejection and some even fear of having to face or deal with whatever it is that brought them to that place to begin with.

People struggling with mental health issues all look different. Some deal with the issues better than others. All of their stories may share a common thread, but there is no neat little box to fit them into. I am going to share the story of 2 different friends. Both friends dealt with the divorce of parents. Neither of them had an easy childhood and in many ways, both had grow up more quickly than their peers. One friend has spent most of her perfecting her “mask” and has kept the struggle with anxiety bottled up inside and most people who know her don’t know how severe her struggles are. The other friend spent a good portion of her life keeping everything inside, but due to a major panic attack she had no choice but to confront and deal with her past.

These are just the story of 2 ladies. If I were to attempt to write about the struggles of all the people I knew, it would fill several encyclopedias. As you read these 2 stories ask yourself if you can identify with either of them? Also pray that the Lord would begin speaking to you about what it is you need to see in your own life and what your next steps need to be.

Here is the story of my first friend. We’ll call her Lydia. I have permission to share parts of her story and have changed her name to protect her identity. If you were to look at Lydia’s Facebook page you would have no clue that she struggles on the level that she does. Most of her posts are positive and you see a loving wife, mother and friend. Occasionally you may see a set of negative posts, but nothing too extreme or anything that would make you stop and think that she is struggling. More than likely, you would write off those posts as a bad day and nothing more. She is actively involved at church and volunteers as she can at the school where her children attend. She works out and takes care of herself. Friends and family have labeled her as “strong,” even though that is one of the last words she would really use to describe herself. She holds a position that she loves more than most realize. She also has some pretty large aspirations outside of what she already does. On the surface Lydia comes across as completely “normal,” but yet, Lydia has perfected her “mask.” Really, there are days when she deserves an Oscar because she has fooled those around her.

You would never know that her parents’ divorce was nasty and that she has carried doubts about herself and her self-worth as a result of that divorce. There was then another set of life altering events that took place in late elementary/ early middle school. She wouldn’t discover until she was an adult how much that the second set of events was truly a turning point for her early on, or that she would continue to struggle with that event, including shame, guilt and flash backs as an adult. Lydia also successfully hid an eating disorder from those around her for almost 4 years and still struggles with body and self-image even at her current age. She has also successfully hid minor panic attacks because most of them take place in the middle of the night, so even her husband doesn’t know they are happening.

She has been encouraged to talk to a counselor by close friends, but is too afraid to do so because of the stigma that comes with entering counseling. The ironic thing about this is that she would be one of the first to encourage another friend to seek help if they were struggling. Part of it is absolutely pride and she will admit that. Part of it is she is afraid of what she might lose if she opened up and shared her story. Part of it is that dealing with the childhood issues would just be too hard. It seems easier to try and pretend those events didn’t happen and keep them locked in a filing cabinet in the back of her head. She figures that she has carried it this long and actually rehashing it with a therapist at this point is just too late.

Too many days Lydia feels alone and even though she has a close knit group of friends. Getting too real with them is just hard. Only bits and pieces of her deeper story have come out over the years. She longs to be free of anxiety and worry, yet fears that opening up too much would cause her to lose more than she ever imagined. She is terrified of being seen as a fake, a fraud or a hypocrite.

Because of everything she has been through and carrying the anxiety also bring about shame and guilt, because as a christian she doesn’t think that she should feel this way. This is another area where she has worn the mask well. Talking to her, you would think that her faith is rock solid. Reality is, she often wonders if the Lord has forgotten her and wonders if her prayers are really making it past the ceiling. She has the assurance of salvation and logically, she knows that the Lord has never once left her side. Her heart often leans in the other direction and questions her faith way more than she thinks it should. Lydia spends most of her time attempting to keep her shame and guilt under wraps. She prefers to wear a mask and keep the “real her” hidden.

Now, let me introduce to you my other friend Sheryl Griffin, who lives her life with total transparency. She is a wife and the mother of 2 children. She has been through a great deal in her life and openly shares her story and speaks into the lives of women throughout the southeast, New Mexico, Colorado and will be speaking in Texas before too long. Sheryl’s story is one where the Lord made beauty from ashes. It is a story of hope, redemption and freedom.

Sheryl is also an author. In her book “A Scarlet Cord of Hope” Sheryl talks openly about her childhood, starting with her parents’ divorce and the tug of war that raged within her, wanting to keep both parents happy. At different times in her life, she lived with both parents and feeling guilt and shame over fear of hurting the other parent. Sheryl also goes on to write about an abortion she had while in high school. Her co-dependency tendencies carried on past this relationship and into her first marriage. There were multiple issues related to her first husband. Due to his preferences, abuse, both physical and verbal and attempting to keep him happy Sheryl would go on to have 1 more abortion before giving birth to her daughter and then another after she divorced her ex-husband.

Throughout all of this, there were issues with the relationships with different members of her family. Her sense of fear, guilt and shame only grew the longer she was married to him. In time, certain relationships were reconciled while others were not. When things finally ended with her first husband, she wondered why her family never said anything or asked questions about the abuse they suspected. She states “Was I such a good actor to put on the perfect front? Or were they just accustomed to looking the other way?”

There were times when Sheryl did seek out counsel to deal with some issues, but things would not come to a head for her until after she married her husband Doug and had her second child. The story of how she met and married Doug is a sweet story and many times she refers to him as her “KISA,” her knight in shining armor.

In time, due to Doug’s job, they moved from CA to TN. Her mother and stepfather lived close by and over time that relationship became volatile. There was “a game” that had to be played to keep the peace. Sheryl talks about how she had to learn to trust Doug to take care of things the difficulty in coming to that point. There would be several events with her mother that would cause a great deal of stress. Add to this, there was a night when an issue with a neighbor would bring Sheryl’s past back to the forefront of her mind, “a reminder of past abuse, not having any contact from my ex-husband for eight months and allowing myself to fall back into unhealthy, non-confrontational patterns, worked together to allow my brain to begin to process what I been suppressing for so long.”

January 27, 2007 would be the night that Sheryl’s past would come back and hit her with such force that she thought she was dying. She woke up feeling nauseous, was having hot flashes and her heart was racing. She had Doug call 911. She would have several of these attacks on the way to the hospital. Once arriving at the hospital, she was given meds in attempt to get her heart rate back down and they didn’t give her much relief. She underwent many tests, with very few answers. Sheryl was told to follow up with her family doctor. It would be at this point appointment that she would discover that she had a major panic attack. At this time she was placed on an anti-depressant. She would go on to have several more attacks and several more trips to the emergency room. She would also go on to seek therapy. This would allow her to process her life events and finally start to deal with the guilt, the shame and loosen the “scarlet chord” from around her neck. This process was not easy, but Sheryl saw it as necessary and did what she needed to do in order to move forward.

I was able to do a short interview with Sheryl before starting this post and I wanted to share it with you:

Me: If you had not had the panic attack that one night, do you think you would have, at some point, sought out a therapist to talk with about the things in your past?
Sheryl: “I would like to believe I would have, however, I am honestly not sure. I had already sought counseling a few years earlier regarding my relationship with my mother, but in my mind I had my past under control. I did not realize the role my past, as well as, my first marriage and my relationship with my mom played in choices I made, thoughts I had, nor responses/reactions I had.”

Me: Do you think you would have the writing/ speaking ministry that you have if you had not had the panic attack?
Sheryl: “Absolutely not. That initial panic attack led me to the diagnosis of PTSD and panic/anxiety, which opened the door to wanting to understand “why”. While I was fine with leading or sharing my testimony with small groups or one on one, I had no desire to speak publicly nor to ever write a book.”

Me: What would your advice be to those women who have things/ events in their past that are causing them to live with untreated anxiety or causing them to live in fear of attempting to follow dreams because of the baggage, shame or guilt that they are carrying.
Sheryl: “We all have a past. Some of us more than others and others more than us. Your story is important! Satan wants to keep us in bondage to guilt, shame, and fear. Anything that is hidden, done in secret, or has power/control over us is something Satan wants to keep hidden in the dark. Secrets, especially those that are surrounded by guilt, shame, or fear, affect every aspect of our life from relationships (marriage, parenting, and even friendships), self esteem, expectations, and even our faith. Not everyone is called to speak publicly or to write a book, but that doesn’t mean YOUR story can’t or wont help someone else. Sometimes just knowing you’re not alone in whatever it is makes a world of difference to someone. You could be the key to someone seeking help or gaining insight/tools to overcome whatever their struggle is.”

Me: What has been the biggest lesson you have learned in your personal experience?
Sheryl: “I am not alone. I am forgiven. Forgiveness doesn’t come with an eraser so it is important to surround yourself with those who can encourage you. It is important to keep your relationship with God and His word a priority.”

Me: What is the biggest lesson the Lord has taught you on this journey?
Sheryl: “There is definitely more than one! My top 3 are:
1. To understand and accept His forgiveness, what it means to genuinely forgive others, and the importance of forgiving myself.
2. Not to be afraid to dig at the root of an issue so I can fully move forward. (*He is always with me!)
3. Boundaries are good. Boundaries are safe. Boundaries are healthy.

Me: Do you still struggle with moments of anxiety and fear? If so, how do you cope with them?
Sheryl: “Yes, however, not as much as before my diagnosis and EMDR therapy. I have gained valuable insight and tools (coping skills) into my anxieties and fears and I have learned certain triggers to stay away from or to prepare for. I have a very supportive husband and family and that helps immensely! My husband once reminded me during a fearful anxious season a few years ago, “You can’t unlearn what you have already learned”…in other words, all of the insights, tools, and experiences do not suddenly disappear even if it feels like it. There have also been seasons in my life that I have been triggered and knew I needed more than the tools I had and I unashamedly went back to my doctor/psychiatrist until I was successfully able to move forward.”

Sheryl’s story is a great reminder that there “is always Hope.” Finally taking the steps to confront and process the past is the only way to let go of the shame, guilt and fear. Meds are a part of Sheryl’s life. Taking something for depression and anxiety is no different than taking something to control diabetes or high blood pressure. While faith is the one thing I would encourage everyone to hold onto the tightest, I will acknowledge that there are times when meds are absolutely necessary. Just as there is no shame in talking with a counselor/ therapist, there is no shame in taking meds when needed. If you are struggling, please seek out the necessary help. If you need a list of resources, please feel free to email me at the email address posted on the right side of my blog page.

If you are interested in reading Sheryl’s whole story, please click on the link below: http://www.amazon.com/Scarlet-Cord-Hope-Updated-Expanded/dp/069222758X/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1427168307&sr=8-3&keywords=a+scarlet+cord+of+hope

Thank you my dear readers for hanging out with me this long and reading the whole post. I pray that you found encouragement and strength to face to whatever it is that you are dealing with right now.

Remember “There is always hope.”

This is a time of year when my Catholic/ Episcopalian roots seem to come to the surface. I don’t view this as a bad thing, but instead it causes me to be more reflective than normal. Being a Southern Baptist, Lent is not something that is ever discussed in church and I feel so many are missing out on an important part of this season as we start to prepare our hearts for Easter.

This year I didn’t feel that I needed to “sacrifice” anything, but instead that I needed to set a goal of something to accomplish. As I thought and prayed, I felt that because of the journey I have been on, taking control of my health and getting me back to a place where I could physically do the things I want and need to do that my goal for this Lent would be to run/ walk 100 miles. During this time, I would typically cover roughly 70 miles, so this was adding more time on the road and causing me to carve out extra time to accomplish this goal.

Pretty sure that the Lord sat on His throne and laughed as I set this goal. Life has been crazy for my family the past several months and then add in weather on top of that and it has made accomplishing this goal almost impossible. As I head into this week, I have knocked out roughly 35 miles. That leaves 65 miles between now and Easter Sunday morning. This past week, I thought I would be able to hit the treadmill or road 5 times and it only happens twice. This week, I am filling in for our church secretary, so my miles will be low this week as well. Hopefully, we will finally be moving into our new home sometime by the end of the month which also cut into my time to hit the road.

I don’t say this as a “feel bad for me,” but more of this is the reality of where I have been over the past couple of months. As I have prayed, the thing I keep hearing from the Lord is “rest in Me.” Rest. If you know me well, you know that this is not something that I do well. It is something I would love to do, but I struggle to just sit and rest. I also struggle to rest in the Lord. By nature I am a doer and fixer. This means that I sometimes butt heads with the Lord because I choose to try and take on things that aren’t mine to handle. There has been more than one time when the Lord has allowed things to pop up in my life where I have had no other choice but to wait on Him and trust in Him to provide or take care of a situation.

As you are walking through this season of Lent, I want to challenge you to really look and listen for what it is the Lord wants you to learn and/or do during this time. You may have set some lofty goals for Lent, or you may have “sacrificed” a long list of things, but do take time to do a heart check. As we head to the middle of this season, take time to reflect and pray about whether or not you need to continue these things from now until Easter. It may be that you need to do something or you may be like me and the Lord wants you to just stop, rest and spend time with Him. I think so many of us think that we have to do or not do something during Lent, when in reality Lent is about preparing our hearts for Easter.

The past several weeks have been just plain hard for so many people I love. They have dealt with major health issues with their family members, death of family members, miscarriages and a sweet baby girl born sleeping. The Bible makes it clear that there will be hard times, but that the Lord is always by our side and we have family and friends who will love us and pray for us through these difficult times.

Things for us have not been overly easy, but I guess in comparison to my friends, it hasn’t been that bad. I am not downplaying our stuff or stating that our feelings are not valid, but my tiny little family is still one piece.

I will never understand why things have to be this way. I will never understand why cancer continues to take lives. I will never understand why there are so many diseases that ravage our bodies or why we can’t all live to be 115. I will never understand why so many wonderful couples struggle to carry a sweet baby to term and have empty arms. But, I guess the hard times make the good times that much better and it makes us appreciate those we love just a little more.

The other night I finished reading “Loved Back to Life” by Sheila Walsh and she talks about an event with her father that threw a major curve-ball in her life. She talks about she “handled” it and the downward spiral it started for her. She also talked about how she kept her friends and those she loved at an arms length. When it all came to a head, she found herself in a psychiatric ward for almost a month. Thankfully, for her, the story ended well. She, through faith, was able to finally open up to her therapist, family and close friends. She also met the man of her dream, had a baby boy and started speaking with “Women of Faith.” It was by far a difficult journey, but she came through on the other side.

As I read her book, talked with my friends, read updates on Facebook and then read a friend’s blog today, a reality hit me. Too many of us will share the facts of a situation, but will keep spouses, family and friends at an arm’s length or longer when it comes to sharing feelings. Life can be incredibly difficult and yet, we choose to not let others in. We choose to put on our “happy camper” faces and keep on marching. Facts are easy to share, but feelings are anything but. I think part of this is that sharing only facts seems to be safer. When we we start dealing with feelings, then we really have to deal with the yucky stuff. Sharing feelings means being vulnerable and that is the last thing that most people want to do.

This past Wednesday night, I had the privilege of sharing my weight loss journey with a group from church in the “Daniel Plan” Bible study. There were things that I openly shared and then there were things that I couldn’t even begin to voice with this group. Part of it was pride and the other part was that I didn’t want to let people in to certain parts of my life. While I do feel there are things that should not be shared with the general public, there are things that we should open up, share and let people in.

My struggle as I shared my story Wednesday night was this, what if I shared something that I was scared to share, but it ended up impacting another person sitting in that room? What if something in my story finally gave someone else the courage to voice something they have kept to themselves for far too long? As I shared my story, parts of Sheila Walsh’ book kept popping in my head. She took the time to sit and write out her story, even with as painful as it was. She had enough faith to put it out there and bring hope to others. She shared how many women came to her and were finally brave enough to share some of their inner most secrets.

Society and church tells us that it’s not okay to share feelings. We are told that transparency is wrong and to let other people in the deep places is over-sharing. When I think of the church, I think of it as a hospital for sinners and the hurting and not a country club for the saints. Yet, that is exactly how we treat it. We walk into church and when someone asks us how we are doing, we typically answer “Good” or “I am just so blessed.” When in reality that couldn’t be farther from the truth. Now, don’t hear me saying that we should walk around being a negative Nancy, but we need to stop being so afraid of letting others in.

Think about it. If we all started to shed our masks an started to let others in, how much better off would we be? How much easier would life be if we truly let others in? It takes faith and courage to be transparent, It is so much easier to keep those walls up. It’s easier to hold people at an arm’s length. It’s difficult to let go of pride. It’s difficult to let others see our imperfections. It’s difficult to let others know what we are really feeling or that we need help. At no point in the Bible does it state that we are be an island unto ourselves. We were created to be in relationship with the Lord and with others. Yet, too many times, we choose to shut out those who love us, rather than to let them in when we need it most. Our pride tells us that we have to be strong. It tells us that others will never understand what we are feeling and that people will think less of us if we tell them how we truly feel.

What if we as the Church took Galatians 6:2 to heart? It states “Carry one another’s burdens; in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” What would this look like? I imagine that the pain and frustrations of life wouldn’t seem quite such a burden. I imagine that while the pain of life wouldn’t vanish or disappear, but our loads would seem a little lighter. I also imagine that the Church would truly have the opportunity to be the hands and feet of Christ and that we could help those around carry those burdens.

One of my catalyst verses through my weight loss journey has been Luke 2:52. This states “And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature and in favor with God and man.” So many times when people think about health, they only think about their diet and exercise. They don’t think about their relationship with the Lord, their relationships with others or their emotional health. As you think about what you have read here, I encourage you take a hard look at your emotional health. Are there things in your life that you have held onto for far too long and that you finally need to bring to light? Are you holding onto things that are holding you back? Are there area of your life that you need to tell your spouse or your inner circle? Are there areas that you may need to seek out a therapist? I encourage you to pray and ask the Lord to help you take off your mask, tear down the walls you have have so carefully built and finally find the freedom in sharing the deepest parts of you so that you can find true freedom in Christ and freedom from carrying your burdens on your own.

What is the perfect size? Does the perfect size really exist? So many ladies say “If only I could be a size ___, or if only I could weigh ___ I would be happy.” It seems that there is a perfect size and weight that could magically make us all happy.

Guess what ladies? There is no such thing as a perfect size. Why? Because none of us were created to be the same. Isn’t that wonderful? The Good Lord decided to create us in all shapes and sizes. He created some tall and slender and others He created short and sqautty. It is the beauty in His creation. How boring would it be if we all looked the same?

For some, a size 6 looks great. For others, a size 12 or 14 is just as beautiful. Let’s also not forget that a size 6 in one store may equal a size 8 in another store. Even after a 40lb loss, I can tell you that I have 2 different size shorts/ pants in my closet and 3 different sizes in shirts. I recently watched a video created be a lady who went into a department store and tried on multiple pairs of pants in a size 16. Not one single pair of pants fit her the same. Some were great fits, while others were too big and some too small. Even if you get into a certain size in on store, you may not in another and it’s ok.

I do know that if I want to feel great about myself, I head into Eddie Bauer and go straight to the clearance wall. The clothes in there run much larger to size than most other stores and I walk out feeling like a million dollars based on the smaller size I can buy. The Loft tends to run pretty true to size. The Faded Glory brand at Wal-Mart runs small and I loathe trying on that brand.

Society and the media tells us that we need to be a size 2 and weigh 100 lbs. Reality is that most of us are no where near that size. They tell us that if we look like that then we will be loved and have all the friends we could ever desire. Again, reality paints a totally different picture. Think about your inner circle of friends. What do they look like? Are any of them what the media tells you is “perfect?” My guess the answer to that is “no.” When I look at my friends, I have 1 who is tiny, but she is shorter than me and petite. She also runs almost every day. I have another friend who is larger than me, but I have always thought of her as beautiful and probably more beautiful than most of my other friends. My other friends come in many different shapes and sizes. Some are larger and others fall somewhere in the middle. The funny thing is, I don’t really stop to think about their looks when I am with them. Why? It doesn’t really matter. When we look at our friends, we see their hearts and this is what we value the most about each other. The best thing is that our worth is not caught up in our size.

So, how do we know what size we “should” be? Can we go by the BMI (body mass index)? Well, not really. The BMI was actually created for European males. They tend to be leaner and they are MEN! Women were blessed with more curves and a higher percentage of body fat because our bodies were created to carry children and we need the extra fat. Can we go by the height/ weight charts that so many doctors use? Nope. Not those either. According to that chart I was still 21lbs overweight even at my lowest weight last summer. If I weighed what that chart says I should, I would look severely underweight and unhealthy.

Again, how do you know what is healthy? Your body will tell you, based on some of the following things:
1) Do you have a healthy blood pressure? This means is it 120/80 or less? A little higher than this puts in you in the pre-hypertension category and a great deal higher, 140/90 can mean that you are at risk for a heart attack or stroke.
2) What is your cholesterol level? HDL (good) should be above 60 and your LDL (bad) should be below 100.
3) What is your resting heart rate? A healthy adult will have a resting heart rate somewhere between 60 and 100 BPM.
4) Are you healthy or do you tend to stay sick?
5) Do you have the energy you need to take care of the basic needs in your every day life or are you always exhausted?

There is so much more to physical health than a number on a scale or on a piece of clothing in a store. If you take 2 ladies and place them side by side, with one being a size 4 and the other being a size 12/14, most people would automatically assume that the smaller of the 2 is the most healthy. In some cases you may be correct, but in too many other cases you would be completely wrong. Reality is that the smaller person may be blessed with a high metabolism, but due to what she eats and her lack of exercise, she may not be at all healthy. The one who is a size 12/14 may eat healthy meals and work out several times a week.

Too many ladies spend too much time obsessing on their size and neglect to take height, frame and build into consideration. For some this may lead to unhealthy thought patterns, unhealthy behaviors and for some it may it even lead to eating disorders (a blog post coming soon). It’s time we redefine beauty and focus on health, rather than size. If you need to make some changes, then make those changes (see previous blog post). If you are healthy, but struggle because the number on the scale and the size of your clothes don’t look like you think they should, it’s time examine your definition of health, learn healthy self-talk and learn to love your body the way the Lord created it.

13 For it was You who created my inward parts,You knit me together in my mother’s womb. 14 I will praise You, because I have been remarkably and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful, and I know [this] very well. 15 My bones were not hidden from You when I was made in secret, when I was formed in the depths of the earth. (Psalms 139:13-15)

Looking at where you are and choosing to make a lifestyle change can be completely overwhelming. Most people look at the big picture and don’t know where to start. Well, I am going to help you get started. I would hate for anyone to stop before they even begin, so here we go.

1) Pray about it. No, I am not trying to be overly spiritual, but as believers we are called to pray about everything. Yes, the Lord cares and wants to walk with you on this journey. Ask Him where you need start and pray that He would guide you as you set your goals and your plans.

2) If you have any medical conditions or food allergies, PLEASE talk with your primary care physician (PCP) and let them help guide you or at least get you started. If you have old injuries then your PCP may restrict what you can do or give you specific exercises that will assist you as you deal with your injury. When it comes to food allergies, your PCP may direct you to a licensed nutritionist, or you may choose to seek out one on your own. Please do not cut out a single food group, unless there is an allergy because your body needs it all. Yes, you need fat, protein and carbs to keep your body working the way the Lord intended it to.

3) Address your past. Identify the negative behaviors and thought patterns. I can just about guarantee you that all of these things are connected. For some people it may really be as simple as having a long heart to heart with a friend and getting on your face before the Lord. For others, it may be time to seek out a therapist or mental health provider. If most people are honest, there is an unhealthy relationship with food that stems from using food as a coping mechanism in both positive and negative ways. It can be intimidating to pick up the phone and make that call, but I can promise you the fear and maybe even the shame will only last a moment. When you finally start to address the issues that have caused you to feel the way you do and cause you to make the choices you have made you will feel so much better. There are many of you out there who need to hear that certain events were not your fault and you have been carrying around guilt and shame that isn’t yours to carry. There is a freedom in releasing and dropping so much unwanted baggage.

If you are already working with a mental health provider, please make this a part of your sessions. Your therapist will more than likely be on board with this goal and can be there to help you walk through the first part of this journey, which for some, can be daunting to the point that you don’t want to keep going because change is hard.

4) Find an accountability partner. Seek out a friend who will ask the hard questions. Find a friend who will, in love, call you out when you slip, but will also be your biggest cheerleader and celebrate the milestone victories with you. This is not a journey to walk alone. When you have a friend or two walking with you, it makes some days that much easier.

5) Take baby steps. The weight didn’t come on over night and it won’t come off over night. Avoid any diet or program that offers quick or fast results. It won’t last. Choose one single place to start. For some it may be deciding to drink only water. For others it may be choosing not to buy a bag of cookies or chips at the store. For others it may be setting an alarm to get up and walk for thirty minutes in the morning. Pick a small goal that you know you can stick with and once you feel you are being successful, choose something else to add to that. If you decide to make large, sweeping steps all at once, you are setting yourself up to fail. It’s OK to make small changes and build from there. Take it moment by moment and day by day.

6) Don’t compare your journey to another person’s journey. Every person starts in a different place. Your point A probably will not look like another person’s point A. You and a friend can be on this journey together, but five months in it looks like your friend is six steps ahead of you. It’s OK. I promise. You WILL get there.

7) Grace. Give yourself grace. There will be bad days and you will slip. Pray and then give yourself grace to start over the next morning.

I wish I could sit here and tell you that I have it all together and that I have mastered everything I have said you to here. Truth is that I am 15 months into my own personal journey and there are days when I feel like I have conquered the world and other days where I feel like a complete failure. Most days are somewhere in between. I lost a large amount of weight and kept it off for almost six months. Life happened, I let my eating habits slip and didn’t make it to the gym like I needed to and put some of the weight back on. I am now back on track and have lost some what I had gained. This is the reality of this journey. If you have any questions, I would be more than happy to answer them the best I can. If I don’t know the answer, I will direct you in the direction of someone who does. If you just need an ear, please don’t hesitate to call me or PM me on Facebook. I would just encourage you to start somewhere. When you weigh the pros and cons of staying where you are or making the choice to change, change may be hard, but it will be totally worth it in the end.

Grab your water bottle. Lace up your walking shoes and come join me!

It’s January, so at this point many people have jumped on the health and fitness bandwagon. My gym is packed and using the equipment I want is difficult. People have stopped eating sweets, left the cokes on the shelf at the store and picked up more fresh fruits and water. Many people are trying one of the thousands of diets. Sadly, many of these people will jump off this same bandwagon by the end of January or some may last through the better part of February.

This issue I have with this is that many people look at this time of year as a quick fix, instead of what it really is. This should be viewed as a lifestyle change rather than a diet. A diet automatically means that it’s temporary. Many people will decide to actively participate for a few weeks, lose a few pounds and then are shocked when the weight comes back.

The weight didn’t come on overnight and it won’t come off overnight. Diets and weight loss programs that promise participants that they will lose 20 lbs in a matter of a few weeks should be avoided at all cost. It’s not healthy and even if you manage to lose that weight, I can almost guarantee that it will come back as soon as you stop that program. If you are losing one to two pounds a week, you are doing something right. There may be weeks where you lose a little more or a little less and that is fine as long as you are taking the appropriate steps.

You must also remember that being healthy means taking a holistic approach to health. It means looking at the mind, body and spirit. If one of these areas is off, then there is an issue that needs to be fixed.

Food and exercise are BOTH essential for a lifestyle change. Contrary to modern thinking, your body NEEDS fats, carbs and protein. Cutting out any food group completely, means that you are not getting all that your body needs. The exception to this would be is if food allergies are present and then at that point you would need to consult your doctor for dietary needs.

What I am going to say now is probably going to upset some of my friends, but I feel like I need to say it. You don’t need shakes, “Pink” drinks or special supplements to get and stay healthy. Eating whole foods, with plenty of fresh fruits and veggies and whole grains is all your body needs. You CAN eat meat and potatoes and still be healthy. Cutting out processed foods is best. This means shopping the perimeter of the grocery store and avoiding the middle aisles as best as you can. Yes, this is slightly more expensive and slightly more time consuming, but it is totally worth it in the end. If you don’t keep junk food in the house, then the temptation is removed. There are many books out there on what you should and shouldn’t eat, so take them and read them and do your own research. Don’t take them to heart, because you will always be able to find a book that contradicts the one you just read. Figure out what works best for your budget and more importantly what works best for your body.

Don’t forget your water. Leave the tea, cokes and juices at the grocery store. Water is the best thing for you to drink. The thing I have found that works best for me is to always have a glass of ice water close by. I typically have a Tervis of ice water in my hand or on a counter close to me. This makes it easier to get in your water requirements for the day and can help curb the temptation to reach for a sugary drink.

I am not a nutritionist, so I won’t pretend that I have all of the answers. If you have allergies or special medical issues, PLEASE consult your doctor or a licensed nutritionist before making changes to your diet.

Exercise is something that I actually enjoy. I am one of those crazy people who enjoys going to the gym. That being said there are things in the gym that I love and things that I loathe. Cardio is my favorite. Specifically, I enjoy the elliptical and the rowing machine. I also prefer the weight machines over the free weights. Part of it has to do with the fact that guys with huge, bulging muscles are over in the free weight area and they intimidate me like crazy. Any machine that works my arms makes me want to run the other way. The assisted pull-up and assisted dip machine makes me want to cry. Yet, at the end, I am proud of myself for enduring it.

So, what do you NEED to do in order to get and stay healthy? Reality is that you only need thirty minutes of exercise two to three times a week. If you can get in more that is better. An ideal exercise program would include both cardio and weights. You do not have to lift heavy weights in order to lose weight, nor do you have walk/ run for long periods of time.

Many people want to know what is the best exercise to lose weight and maintain fitness. The answer is “the one that you will actually do.” That’s right, there is no such thing as the perfect exercise. Some people enjoy running or lifting weights. Others may enjoy kickboxing, cycling, playing tennis or racquetball. Zumba is a popular class right now. My advice to you is to take the time to explore different types of exercise and figure out what you enjoy doing and then go for it. Take it easy and pick up the pace and increase weight as you are physically able.

Again, if you have special medical issues, please consult your doctor before beginning any exercise program. If you have the resources, connect with a trainer.

I am going to plug in for Spark People. This is a site that I have been using for a little over a year now. This site is completely free and it allows you to set goals and track your food and exercise. It also has work out videos and a link with healthy recipes. It also offers education and a place to connect with others and even trainers and licensed nutritionist. Spark People is NOT a diet, but a community that encourages and supports a lifestyle change.

I would also encourage you to find a friend or family member who will act as your accountability partner and cheerleader. This is not a journey to take solo. You will be pleasantly surprised to see who becomes your greatest source of encouragement and it can even strengthen friendships when you are doing this together.

Find Bible verses that encourage you. Yes. The Lord MUST be a part of this journey. Trying to do this in your own strength will only lead to failure. Find friends at church who will pray for you and with you as embark on this journey. The Bible is full of verses on health. God created our bodies and we are called to take care of them. I challenge you to do a search of verses and passages about health. I also encourage you to take a look at the life of Daniel and how his approach to diet and fitness set him apart from those around him.

Last, but not least, address the issues in your life. Most people if they are honest gained weight because an issue or two in their lives. It may not have been anything major, but if those issues are never addressed, the weight loss will not be permanent. Many people, like me, are emotional eaters. Food becomes the main coping skill. Food is what we turn to when we are stressed and when we are happy. Addressing issues may be as simple as having honest conversations with your closest friends. If the issues are more serious, then I strongly encourage you to seek out professional help. There is NO shame in meeting with a counselor/ therapist. In the long run you will be happier and more likely to stay on track.

I am not going to sit here and tell you that I am perfect when it comes to diet and exercise. If I did, I would be lying. This is a journey filled with bumps in the road like anything else. I have learned that grace is important. Some days it is easy to stay on track and other days it feels almost impossible. Learn from your triumphs and challenges. Use them to make decisions about your future.

The biggest thing for you to remember is that this is a marathon and not a sprint. The changes are not going to happen over night. You will hit plateaus. You will have to change directions and plans at least once, probably more. There is no such thing as the perfect weight or size. We are all built differently and a weight that looks good on one person may not look good or be healthy on another. Your journey will not look like a friend’s journey. Learn to be comfortable in your own skin and love yourself the way the Lord loves you.

8 weeks. 8 long and frustrating weeks.

No. I am not a patient person.
No. I have not handled the house buying process with the most patience or grace.
Yes. I am a Type A, anal retentive planner and things have definitely not gone according to plan.

I had no idea what my husband and I were were getting ourselves into when we started this process back in July. Yes, I stated 8 weeks in my first sentence, but that is just dealing with the current house and does not include all that we have been through going on almost 5 months now.

When we started this process back in July, I fully expected to be settled in our new home at this point in the game. If everything had worked out with the first house, we would be settled. When that fell through and we made the offer on the short sale, I guessed that we would be closing and moving right now. When that fell through and we made the offer on the 3rd house, I expected to close and move the first part of November. Our mortgage guy gave us Nov 25th as our closing date. Even though I was not at all happy with that date, I was still able to convince myself that we would still be in and semi settled by Christmas. That didn’t happen either.

I am guessing the Lord is laughing at me. He is laughing at my plans. He wants me to wait and to trust. I struggle with both.

As of this week, we have learned that we have an underwriter who is not a fan of self-employed entertainers, nor spouses who hold a contract position. We have submitted everything just shy of a full genealogy and a DNA sample, which I am honestly waiting for at this point. We have submitted one piece of paper 3 times now and the underwriter still isn’t happy. Instead of closing this past Tues and spending the rest of this week painting and moving things in, we are still waiting for the underwriter to make a decision. We were given a 2nd tentative closing date of Dec 15th, but based on the underwriter, that may be wishful thinking.

I am angry. I am frustrated. I feel defeated and honestly a little hopeless. I am looking at people posting news of their closings and pictures of their new homes on Facebook and yes, I am a little jealous. I am have looked a pictures of families putting up their Christmas trees and children standing in front of those beautiful trees. While I am happy for them, it brings tears to my eyes. My children want their Christmas tree and right now I can’t give it to them and at this point, I don’t know when I can. Christmas traditions and plans are on hold indefinitely.

No, this post is not the most uplifting, but it’s where I am. Yes, I also realize that I have a great deal to be thankful for. I have the most amazing husband, who has gone above and beyond trying to make the deal on the house work for our family. He takes being the head of our home seriously and he works hard to provide for us. I have 3 beautiful and healthy children whom I love and adore. They bring light and life to our family. I have a great group of friends and a church family who loves us and has stood by us in this crazy process.

The past 18 months have been a wild roller coaster and quite frankly, it’s one I am ready to be off of and on solid ground again. The past 18 mos my marriage, my sanity and my faith have been tested. My marriage is stronger than it has ever been before. My sanity, well, only time will tell. My faith is still in tact, but there are times I wonder if God is listening. I know He is still on His throne and that no matter what happens, He is good. There are times when I am thankful that I my brain will keep telling me truth, even when my heart questions it.

Nothing has ever been handed to me on a silver platter. Anything I’ve ever had has been earned through hard work, determination and many times a fight. While my faith and the support of family and friends has kept me going and helped me reach my goals, I am tired of things being a fight. I am ready for easy. I am ready for the tears to stop and the rejoicing to begin and even the boring the start.

I am probably one of the few people who are looking into 2015 and praying for a boring year. I am praying that by some Christmas miracle we get to move into our new home and that next year is boring and mundane. A year of calm would be welcome.

Patience is a virtue and one I have struggled with my entire life. I hate it when I lose my patience. I also know that my grandmother’s words still ring true and that “This too shall pass.” I know that when we walk out on the other side of this, my husband and I will have a major testimony to share and I pray that it will allow us to walk along other couples on this same journey.