* This post took longer to write than expected. I started typing, then angry typing. Realizing that while what I was typing, while true and transparent, it was also not necessary. I can be honest about how I feel and not attempt to destroy others. I have never named names in a public forum and never will. That being said, what I started typing would have made it easy for people to figure out who I was talking about. It has taken me 13 days to write, rewrite, and make this post. I struggled hard with it and even had my therapist read it. Her words “I see the vulnerability, hear the hurt and the emotions.” She also said “There are people who are going to choose to misunderstand you. You just have to choose whether or not you’re ok with it.” So, regardless of how you choose to take this post, here it is!

Truth: I had several other titles picked out for this particular blog post. Because I decided to not offend others, I chose a tame title. Hard is not even close to adequate to describe what the healing process looks like. A long line of expletives would be more accurate and appropriate.

The healing process is not even close to being this nice, easy straight line, with a how to list.

Certain people have commented on my social media posts and said they think I am angry. Well, the truth is I AM angry. The anger, resentment, and bitterness are real. I loathe feeling like this, but the feelings are real AND valid. While I am choosing to work through the hellish feelings, I refuse to pretend they don’t exist. I will no longer pretend to be “The perfect Christian lady” and put on my “happy camper” face to make others feel at ease. You can’t fix what you don’t acknowledge. If I live in denial of the anger, I can’t work through it and make it out to the other side.

I am pretty certain there are people who are growing tired of the SA and church trauma victim/ survivor posts. Well, guess what? They will be around for a while. My story is hard and ugly. It’s taken a great deal of time, therapy, tears, frustration, anger, etc… to get to this point. I honestly hope and pray that my story helps just ONE person use their voice and start the healing process, because it will all be worth it.

I have shared my story over the course of several years and blog posts. Quick recap for anyone new to my blog. I am an R/ SA survivor. I grew up in a conservative fundamentalist church. Attended college and seminary under the same denomination. In 2018 the crap hit the fan and sent me on a journey I never expected to be on. In 2021, I unfortunately went no contact with a certain person and that in and of itself has been a whole other level of trauma and added to my list of “To heal from” for therapy. In 2022, I stepped down from choir in my old church, then stopped going to church altogether. I attended a special service at another church, started attending services off and on. Now, myself and all 3 kiddos are members of this incredible new church.

I’ve spent several years working through the SA and childhood trauma. Won’t say I’ve arrived, or found the healing and closure I’m looking for on that front, but I’ve made progress. It’s taken a great deal of stupid hard work to get where I am today. I spent the first several years in therapy barely being willing to go any further than surface level. We use several analogies, but the one we use the most is the onion. There are a TON of layers on an onion. Even when you’ve made progress and peeled back a hundred layers, you discover there are still a crap ton of layers left.

I am learning that things I thought were completely independent are actually related on some level. Growing up in a conservative fundy church colored so much of my childhood and the views I carried into adulthood. While my R/ SA didn’t come at the hands of clergy, I do place partial blame on the low view of women. I blame much of what was taught during the “True Loves Wait” movement. Basically girls are responsible for EVERYTHING and boys have zero self control, therefore responsible for nothing. I grew up thinking I was less than. I grew up thinking because I wasn’t “pure,” even though not by choice, that I was trash, not loveable and something to be tossed aside.

I accepted the us vs. them mentality. I accepted that we (the SBC) were correct in ALL things and everyone else, other denominations included, were wrong. I accepted that the SBC’s interpretation of Scripture was correct and not open to discussion. I believed that women were lowly and beneath men. Even though I was taught “once saved, always saved” I grew up believing that any mistake could take me out of the Lord’s good graces. I believed scripture was a tool for behavior modification. I grew up with a certain commandment used as a weapon, believing that I had to ignore boundaries and allow that person to treat me how they saw fit and my feelings/ boundaries were irrelevant. Church and faith were a long list of dos and don’ts. It was about being a rule follower. I heard about “Freedom in Christ,” but never truly understood it because the list of rules was so long. I was terrified to step out of bound, for fear of eternal punishment.

I’ve taken the time to read books outside the SBC realm. My eyes have been opened wide. I’m also reading through “Walk in Love” Episcopal Beliefs and Practices” by Scott Gunn and Melody Wilson Shobe. They are using scriptures that I have been able to quote since I was a little girl. However, these verses are being taught in a totally different light. Instead of fear of retribution, the verses are being taught as the love of Christ. Yes, I still believe in sin, and right, and wrong. I don’t believe being a believer gives me the freedom to do what I want, when I want, without guilt or consequences. It does mean that I no longer have to be afraid of the Lord. I will be honest that I have not arrived on this front, but the burden is easing.

In my time of deconstruction, I have lost a lot of people. I don’t mean I’ve lost them in a physical sense or to death, but they no longer speak to me. I have been unfriended and blocked on social media. I’ve had some people tell me I’ve turned my back on my faith. One even went so far as to tell me I allowed the world to take over my heart. Y’all, it SUCKS!!!! With one I pointed out that their love was conditional. As long as I believed and said the same things they did, I was loved and accepted. The moment I dared to disagree, they turned their back on me. This person basically it was “too hard on them” to watch, so they could no longer associate with me. I have yet to hear from that person again. A post about church hurt, even though no names, or churches were named caused an uproar. Instead of being heard, by the person I wanted to be heard by, I was shut out. I can’t fathom Christ would be ok with any of this. I have lost a faith family that I was a part of for 35 years. 35 years is a long time and the majority of my life. It’s not a loss I will heal from overnight.  

I will give the caveat that I still have some wonderful memories of my time in the SBC. There are a handful of people who are still in that world who do speak to me and have been there for me and my family. There are many incredible experiences I don’t know that I would’ve had, had I not been a part of that faith family. This process is not black and white. There are many shades of gray and I won’t pretend like my entire existence in that world was awful.

My youngest son was baptized earlier this month in our new church. The service was sweet and beautiful. We were surrounded by our new church family. I had people I would have loved to have been there, that didn’t come. (I’m not talking about the ones who communicated with me). We had 3 people from our old faith family who showed up and I was beyond grateful for them. They didn’t allow the change in denominations to stand in the way of our relationship, or their love for my son and our family. That being said, even in the beauty of that moment, knowing the internal, eternal changes it meant for my son, there was grief. His baptism looked like nothing like I expected it to. It didn’t take place where I expected it to. It was a moment where gratitude and grief walked side by side and butted heads. I was honest with our priest about my feelings and she understood. I felt guilty for feeling the grief when the Lord was obviously moving. I felt guilty for allowing anger and resentment to creep in. I felt guilty for wanting more from people I thought cared about my son and family at that moment.

When you add this, the filing of the Amicus brief the week prior, the feelings were massive. I am an ugly, mixed ball of emotions. It was another reminder that the SBC cares nothing for the victims/ survivors of R/ SA. It was another reminder we “asked” for it and therefore our perps were not responsible. It was a reminder that the “good ole boys” will be protected at all costs. Instead of humility and repentance, the Amicus brief was that system digging in their heels.   Honestly, I’m still trying to work through all of the emotions. I wish I could just shut off my emotions on that front. I wish I could say, I’ve left, so my feelings about my previous faith family no longer exist. Because that’s not how we were created, I am going to have to slowly work through the emotions and find healing. I want a nice, pretty timeline on this process, but I know that’s not how this works.

Deconstruction is a hard and beautiful thing. I am attempting to unlearn a great deal. I am attempting to learn who I really am in Christ. I am learning that I need to let certain things and people go. I am learning that the faith I’ve lived is not what Christ intended. I read a Twitter post over the weekend that talked about deconstruction in terms of Autumn. He stated that it’s when things die, even though it was just glorious and lush. Autumn is a time when things die and then it turns into winter where all looks lost and barren. I feel like I’m at the point where the last of the leaves are falling off and I’m settling in to deal with the “death” of a great deal of things. Winter is literally and figuratively on its way. I can only hold onto the hope of Spring and new life. Life ahead will look nothing like life in the past. I can only hold onto hope and trust that the Lord will guide my path. I can only hope that when Spring returns, the beauty will overcome the grief and the new life will bring peace in all of this.

If you’re in a similar place, I SEE you! You are ENOUGH! You are WORTH fighting for. Your VOICE deserves to be heard!  

When I say “my” pew, it’s to be taken figuratively and not literally. Over the weekend a friend posted this on her wall and I can’t stop thinking about it.

“You got hammered at the bar on Saturday, but came to church on Sunday….
You can sit with me, you’re right where you need to be.
You’re a drug addict who came to church high this Sunday….
You can sit with me, you’re right where you need to be.
You’re divorced and the last church you attended condemned you for it….
You can sit with me, you’re right where you need to be.
You’ve had an abortion and it’s slowly eating away at your heart, but you came to church on Sunday….
You can sit with me, you’re right where you need to be.
You’ve been unfaithful to your spouse but came to church on Sunday….
You can sit with me, you’re right where you need to be.
Here’s the thing, people don’t come to church on Sunday for you to sit on the pew and quietly judge them because you feel that you’re somehow better than them.
People come to church because in their deepest, darkest, most painful moments, they heard about a man named Jesus that could save their soul and transform their life and they’d like to know him.
The man that just snorted cocaine off his kitchen table isn’t a bigger sinner than you who told your boss a lie on Monday so you could leave work early.
The drunk man laying on the bar isn’t a bigger sinner than you who occasionally has too much to drink at home in private.
The woman that just got caught cheating on her husband isn’t a bigger sinner than you who had sex with your now husband before you were married.
Stop judging others because their sin is different than yours.
Romans 3:23-24 says “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”
There isn’t a person in this world too bad, too broken, too mean, or too damaged for Jesus to save.
Romans 10:13 says “Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.”
Author Unknown.

Y’all, this is about as inclusive as it comes. When you grew up in a fundamental, conservative, evangelical church (CEC), you pretty much learned the polar opposite. “Those” are the people you pray for. “Those” are the people you don’t want taking up space in “your” pews. “Those” the people “other” people can witness and share The Gospel with. “Those” are not the people “you” want representing “your” church in any way, shape, or form.

The CEC is extremely exclusive. They are particular about who they let in. They have a set of expectations you are expected to meet. Heaven forbid you don’t meet their standards, or question what they believe, they start pushing you to the outside. Then, when you finally had enough and walk out, they shun you. They don’t care that you left. They see you as one who never truly loved the Lord. They question your salvation. To them, it’s implausible to think someone could disagree with them and still call themselves a believer.

I have been pretty open about my deconstruction journey. The friend’s post struck a deep, dark chord within me. It was more about one of my kids, than myself. I have a child who is musical, artsy, quirky, and queer. When certain people in our old church found out, this child was pushed to the outside. A certain leader this child adored sent me a message on social media asking me, if I was aware of what was on said child’s social media page. I was honest and said, “Yes.” This leader didn’t approve and no longer allowed my child to sit with them during Sunday morning services. Certain students, especially one, made my child miserable during church activities. My child does not fit the norms expected of that type of church. It got to where my child no longer wanted anything to do with church.

As a parent, I was not ok with this. As a parent, if I found out one of my kids was acting the way that youth did, it would be all over, but the shouting. I don’t want to raise kids who are jerks. I want my kids to embrace differences. I want my kids to welcome those who are on the fringes. I try to make sure my home is a safe place for any kid who walks through the door.

I am of the strong opinion that ALL children and youth SHOULD feel welcome, safe, and accepted in church. The outside world can be cruel. For some kids, not mine, even home can be miserable. The Church “should” be a safe haven. When people don’t fit the expected norms of the CEC, they are pushed to the outside. It sucks, especially when it’s a student. People seem baffled when kids leave home, go off to college, and want nothing to do with church anymore. Reality is, the ones who stay are the ones who fit in, in their youth groups. The ones who leave are the ones who were never truly accepted for who they were/ are.

I have taken my child and have moved not only to a different church, but left the denomination all together. It’s been roughly 8 months since I left our old church and about 5ish months since I walked into the doors of the new church. How I landed there, is a cool story which I will share at a later date. I feel like the Lord set all of this in motion long before I even thought about leaving the SBC.

The more I think about my own story, my child’s story, and look at the history of SBC and CECs, the angrier I get. How many people have been pushed away from the church? How many people have felt rejection in the one place they “should” have been welcomed with open arms? Why did those churches think they were above what Christ called them to be? Why did they take on the roles of the legalistic Pharisees and turn their backs on what Christ actually taught? Bible verses were cherry picked. Bible verses were used to shame and control. Too many verses were taken out of context. As a result that type of church became the total opposite of what Christ called it to be.

The CEC took those verses to push people away. Churches became a “Holy Huddle,” and took on the exclusive country club mentality. It was an obvious us vs them. Being judgmental was the norm. Looking down on others who are different was the norm. A phrase I heard growing up was “The church is a hospital for the sick and not a club for the saints.” My experience was the opposite, especially as I got older.

As I have walked through my deconstruction, I have realized how many incredible people are around me. I have some amazing friends I wouldn’t have, had I stayed in the mindset I grew up in. My life is colorful, in several ways, because of these friends. I am able to see others how Christ sees them. I WANT to learn their stories. I WANT To be the hands and feet of Christ where I can. I don’t want to live in a world with people who only look, think and act like me. 
When you call people on the judgements being thrown and remind them of the whole “Love your neighbor as yourself” thing, they dig their heels in, and resist even harder. It seems this is one of the teachings of Christ people in the CEC world like to overlook. They talk a great talk, but there is nothing to back it up. To accept people in the social media post above would mean taking “The Golden Rule” to heart and actually following it. This would also mean to allow people in the church who do not look, act, or think like them.

In conclusion: STOP being judgmental! Truly accept ALL people who walk in the doors of your church. I don’t care how they look, what they believe, or the lives they live outside of the church. You might actually find you have more in common with those you shun than you think. You might actually see why Jesus hung out with who He did and NOT the Pharisees.

Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” Matthew 22:37-40

Y’all my heart is shattered and I’m sick to my stomach. Just when I think things can’t get any worse, it does. If you have followed my blog or social media for any length of time, then you know I’m in a season of deconstruction. Today solidified my decision to part ways with the SBC.

I was raised in the SBC. My undergrad is from an SBC college. I earned my master’s degree from South Western Baptist Theological Seminary (SWBTS). I have served as a counselor at several SBC camps, and on staff of several SBC churches. This is a denomination I loved. This is a denomination I met and married my husband in. This is the denomination we have raised our kids in. While there are people I still love, respect, and adore in the SBC, I’m out!

Since 2018, for me, it’s been like watching Charlie Brown with Lucy and the football. Time and time again, she promises to hold the ball. Charlie Brown takes her at her word and is consistently let down. Since everything started at SWBTS with the “investigation” and “removal” of Paige Patterson. He basically received a slap on the back of the hand and was told “Don’t be a bad boy any more.” He was never truly held accountable for the SA he has allowed to happen under his “leadership.” He set SWBTS back 50 years and that started when I was a student 03-06. Patterson and the rest of his “Conservative Resurgence” cronies are still controlling things.

Instead of writing a short novel, I’ll give the “Readers Digest” version of the two issues that have been a catalyst of change in my view and opinions of the SBC:
1) The long standing issues with SA. Pastors have been credibly accused. A small fraction have actually been found guilty in a court of law. Sadly, too many times victims/ survivors are shut down and forced to sign NDAs. Even worse, they are told it’s their fault and had they had done/ not done X, Y, or Z, the SA never would have been assaulted to begin with.

At the annual convention last summer, 2022, I actually held out hope that we would see radical changes in how all of this was going to be handled. I was thrilled when Guidepost was hired to get involved. They did a thorough investigation. Sadly, when they released the findings and a list was created, over half of it was redacted. Credibly accused pastors were NOT fired. They left one church over “indiscretions” and not taking responsibility, nor being held accountable for their damaging actions.

R* and SA are SERIOUS SINS!!! The SBC, much like the Catholic Church, has lived in denial, and involved in a series of coverups. The SBC has allowed the Gothard/ IBLP mentality to infiltrate their ranks and mentality. The view of women is stupid low. Women are not called “property,” but if we’re honest, that’s how we’re seen. This means when R* and SA happen, a woman has no recourse. Either she “asked” for it, or she didn’t do anything to prevent it.

When the SA happens, we are expected to forgive and forget. We are expected to act like it isn’t that big of a deal. When they are younger, like Josh Duggar, it’s just “boys being boys.” It’s their curiosity. It’s their “natural high sex drive.” They are just “being who they were created to be.” It’s WRONG on so many levels. Again it speaks to the expectation of women being “ready” to accept all “invitations” wanted or not.

2) The role of women in ministry has been a highly contested issue for years. That being said, we are talking about an issue that is extra-biblical. It is NOT a sin issue. Based on what I’ve watched in the SBC over the years is that they want women in the homes, in the kitchen, in the nursery, and working with children. Apparently, when a boy turns 13, he is considered a man and therefore a woman is not allowed to teach him at that point.

Conversations/ threads I’ve followed on social media have pointed out how women, IN the SBC, are allowed to go overseas, as missionaries, and PREACH The Gospel. They are allowed to LEAD men in those countries. Something that was brought up was that it’s acceptable because the SBC views minorities as “less than” and therefore they see it as “teaching children.” Yes, racism is a HUGE deal in the SBC, but I also have to wonder how much it actually plays in women’s ability to lead overseas. Racism is a whole other issue to be addressed at a different time. (I do NOT share this opinion. I have way too many friends of different races and nationalities to be this shallow and racist). It is a conversation that has repeated itself to go hand in hand with women in ministry.

When verses are taken out of the context of the passage, as well as out of context of the historical meaning, it’s easy to take Paul’s words and attempt to silence women. The Lord actually held a HIGH view of women. I mean even when He rose from the dead, the FIRST person He spoke to was a WOMAN! He didn’t view us as second class citizens. He didn’t view us as less than men.

The SBC to say women don’t belong in the pulpit, or in any pastoral position is to put limits on The Lord. It means they believe The Lord can’t, or won’t call women. When you look at history, even modern day history, you can’t back this up. When I look at women like Beth Moore, Priscilla Shirer, Lisa Harper, just to name a few, you can’t tell me they aren’t called, gifted, and equipped to fill the pulpit.

I will state I do believe the pulpit to be a sacred place in the Church. I don’t believe someone should be able to say “I feel like preaching next week” and be allowed to preach. I do believe only CALLED and GIFTED people should be in the pulpit. I do NOT, however, believe that it is limited to men. I don’t believe in limiting what The Lord can choose to do, or whom He chooses to call. I would rather a righteous, godly woman be in the pulpit, than a known perp who is a male.

The votes at the SBC Annual Conference to disfellowship should be concerning to EVERYONE! It shows that extra-biblical issues are being held to a higher value than SA. My own response to the votes on Twitter was this:

“Jesus would NOT be pleased with this. The fact you see women in the pulpit as a greater threat than then predator pastors, shows a lack of insight & awareness. Congratulations, y’all have officially made it clear women are nothing & perps will be protected.”

I am at least “grateful” the people in the room had the decency to be “somber” once the wretched votes were cast. I wish I could say the same of the responses on social media. To show celebrations over the disfellowship of churches who view women as Christ views us, and NOT show up for the SA breakout, shows how messed up things are. To see fellow women celebrating what happened today is something I can’t even pretend to wrap my head around. I do wish the somberness was around the repentance of the vote. I wish a “leader” would have quashed the whole damn vote before it even took place. Y’all there is NOTHING Christ honoring about what happened today. I do believe The Lord would have overturned tables had He actually been present. I don’t believe the Spirit of The Lord was invited into that conference today, or even this week.

A survivor posted yesterday that “Wherever He Leads, I’ll Follow” was sung. Based on the disgraceful votes made today, there was NO leading of The Lord. There was NO willingness to put differences of OPINION aside. Christ was NOT involved in the votes cast today. I can only pray that Saddle Back Church, Fern Creek Baptist, and the other churches disfellowshipped will be blessed beyond measure. I’ll add that Fern Creek has had the SAME FEMALE PASTOR for 30 YEARS!!! Yes, 30 YEARS!!! The average tenure is only 10 years. This FEMALE pastor has been there for THIRTY YEARS!

As long as Christ is truly honored. People are coming to a saving, personal relationship with Christ, who cares, if it was a man or woman who brought them to that place? I don’t see Christ saying “Well you came to know me through a woman, so you get a shack rather than a mansion.” Christ isn’t petty, the “men” of the SBC are.

I will say I do NOT despise all men. I LOVE and ADORE my husband. As stated earlier, there are people in the SBC I love and respect. I don’t see all people, especially men, as terrible folks. I do believe that the conference as a whole has lost its way. They have become so self-absorbed and concerned about the bottom line that The Great Commission and actually leading people to Christ has gone to the wayside.

I am grieved for a denomination and people I have spent most of life with. I am grieved over decisions made. I am grieved over how women and minorities are viewed and treated. I NEVER, in a million years, imagined I would be where I am today. I do NOT rejoice over the choice to leave. It wasn’t easy. It’s been a slow simmer that finally came to a boil. To go back to my original analogy, I can’t trust “Lucy” anymore. Yes, I laugh at the fact Lucy is a female, given all that I’ve just shared.

The SBC acts shocked at the rapid decline of their numbers. This past year was the highest in 17 years. I can only imagine what numbers will look like in a year, after all that transpired this week. One tweet suggested that ALL women in the SBC take a “seat” for the next year and see what changes that would bring about by the next annual conference. I venture to say that changes would be made in less than 3 months. Sadly, too many women are content to be “kept in their place.”

YES, I am angry. I’ve to edit myself in this post. I’ve had to edit what I say and how I say it. While I am so angry my blood is boiling, I have no desire to come across as bitter. My heart is shattered over ALL of this. I’ve been honest with my husband and inner circle; I LOVE Jesus, but His people have pissed me off. It almost seems surreal that “Sing another hymn Heather” no longer identifies as a Conservative Southern Baptist. It’s been a crucial, central part of my identity for so long, I am still struggling to process all of this. I don’t know who to be, NOT a member of an SBC church. I don’t know how to move forward as a non Southern Baptist.

I do know that as a female and as a mother of a daughter, staying in the SBC was NOT an option. I can’t put my daughter in a position to deal with spiritual abuse. I can’t put her in the position to be told she is less than because she was not “fortunate” enough to be born a male. I never imagined I would return to the roots of my extended family in the Episcopal Church, but here we are. Again, I am NOT happy, nor rejoicing in any of this. I see this as a loss to be grieved. I can only pray the SBC will make changes for the girls and women left in their ranks.

Heaven help us all!

First, let me say I LOVE Jesus. Throughout the past 4 years and all that’s happened, I never turned my back on Christ. His Church on the other hand has driven me to the brink of insanity and the very end of my rope. The SBC has deemed women as less than and apparently doesn’t see value in women, other than birthing babies and keeping house. I will say my husband is not one who has fallen into this horrible trap and mentality. Wish the rest of the convention would follow suit, but that’s apparently wishful thinking at this point in the game.

I had no clue that when the mess hit the fan at SWBTS in 2018 that it would be the start of my deconstruction. I remember sitting my car on a Wednesday morning, staring at the church and not wanting to walk in. I wasn’t angry with anyone in our church, or on our staff, but I was angry. I was texting my favorite pastor’s wife, attempting to find the courage to walk in the doors of the church. When I was finally able to walk in, I went straight to my office and took my SWBTS diploma off the wall. It was truly the first time I was ever embarrassed to be SBC. A little over a year later I was laid off as a part of budget cuts. We continued to attend that church, but people around me kept talking about my lay off. Even though I loved being on praise team, there a came a point where I was having full blown panic attacks in the parking lot and fighting them off while in church. We eventually changed churches. To be honest, I was against going to another SBC church. We ended up in one anyway.

In 2020 the pandemic hit and no one was going to church. Other than choir, I really didn’t miss it. I will admit watching Christmas and Easter at home was bizarre. There was not much drama and we were all caught up in survival and staying healthy. 2021 brought about the #sbctoo movement and all the things broke loose. As more abuse came to light, convention took a nose dive. I also realized I don’t agree with a great deal of what I’ve been taught growing up.

My early childhood was spent in the Episcopal Church. Sadly, I was brat and didn’t realize and appreciate the beauty of that church. We were invited to an SBC church that was much larger than our smaller Episcopalian Church. The SBC church was big and beautiful. It offered so many programs. Honestly, being a military brat and not a native of my hometown, being SBC was much more appealing. It seemed the majority of the kids I knew were either SBC or Methodist. Joining the SBC church didn’t make me feel like quite as much as an outcast. It wasn’t all bad. I formed relationships with many wonderful people, as well as had some pretty incredible opportunities. It led me to a college where I made lifelong friends and honestly, eventually led me to my husband. These are things I will never regret, or wish I could change.

2022 was the first time I wish I could have attended the SBC Annual Convention out in Anaheim, CA. I was so angry at all that had happened and wanted to be a small part of a catalyst of change. I had a small glimmer of hope that the Guidepost Report was going to be a part of the much needed change. It turned out, that was nothing more than a smoke screen. On top of the long list of pastors who had been identified as perps, Hunt and Chandler were called out. Then much to the disgust of myself and so many others, these “men” were “restored” with zero call for actual repentance or change. Their actions technically led them to be biblically disqualified as pastors, but their friends determined otherwise. This year has been proof the SBC will continue to support the “Good Ole Boy” system. Women and sexual assault victims/ survivors will never mean anything to these so called pastors. We will always be seen as less than and viewed as the outcasts in our churches. I just can’t do it anymore. I can’t and won’t support what so obviously goes against scripture.

All of this brings me to the title of my post. While I typically love the Christmas season at church, I stepped foot in our church for the first time this morning in almost 2 months. It appears only 2 people have even noticed my absence. It’s hard to accept when you’ve gone to being involved to absent and no one seems to notice and/ or care. I struggle hard with church. It’s not that I don’t want to be in church, I just don’t want to be in our church. With my kids’ schedule and where my heart is, I stepped down from choir back in September. While I have missed being an active part of a church body, this morning was wicked hard. I put on my “happy camper face” and played the part I was expected to play. I have never really fit in, in our church and am not sure I ever really will. My heart just isn’t in it. I don’t think Jesus ever wanted, or intended for church to be this hard for His people.

Tonight, I had the opportunity to attend “Lessons and Carols” at a local Episcopal Church. It’s a church I’ve wanted to check out for a while. The church was simply decorated. Y’all, the service was so simple and yet, so extremely beautiful all at the same time. It was literally the reading of The Scriptures and the singing of hymns. I will add the guitar solo almost moved me to tears. I’ve been so used to pomp and circumstance and all the frills, I had honestly forgotten how precious and beautiful the liturgy of the Episcopal Church is. I have realized it doesn’t take flashy programs and services to praise and worship the Lord. It doesn’t take a mega church “super star” pastor to ring in the Holy Advent season. I’ve come to realize Jesus was born in a lowly, manger. He didn’t come with all one would expect of a King. There were no flashy services, only the darkness illuminated by the Bethlehem Star. Why should we expect to ring in the Advent season with pizazz, when our own Savior didn’t?

Even though my soul feels like a homeless wanderer without a home, I know Jesus will always be my north star. I desire to be in a church where I can worship wholeheartedly with my husband and kids. At this point, I have no clue as to what that looks like, or where it will be, but my faith remains steadfast in my Savior. In spite of what others may think of me, I know the Lord loves me. I can only pray at some point the Lord will allow me and my family to land in a church where He will be our sole focus and we can worship as a family. The only thing I can do in this moment is to pray for peace in the searching and the waiting.

Disclosure: I adore all things musical theater, ballet, monogrammed and Vera Bradley. Beyond those things, there is nothing girly about me.

If you have followed me on social media at all this summer, you know my faith is a struggle. I have more questions than answers. While there are some core theological ideologies I align with, I struggle many of the core beliefs of the SBC. I have been willing to acknowledge I am probably wrong in many things I’ve held true for so many years. This is causing waves, but I won’t pretend to be the “perfect little church girl” anymore.

The more I get into my struggle and walk through the hard questions, it boils down to this. I DON”T FIT! I am NOT who the SBC expects me to be as a woman, wife and mother. I DON’T fit the mold. If I am honest, I am a people pleaser and growing up, I desperately wanted to fit in and be accepted. Because I am not girly and don’t enjoy the girly things, I am not what is expected. I have “failed” as woman in our convention. This is only one aspect of my deconstruction piece. There are other pieces and they will be discussed in later blog posts.

Truth: I LOVE all things outdoors. I love camping, hiking, kayaking. I prefer sitting my Adirondack Chair, by my fire pit, with my dogs, a rum and Diet Coke, with a book in my hand, over shopping and getting my nails done. Because I love my kiddos, I am a cheer coach with our local football/ cheer league. Honestly, I would rather be the OC for the boys, than the cheer coach. I LOVE watching football. I am a die hard BAMA fan. RTR!!!! I yell at Coach Saban and the players on Saturdays and then at the Titan’s players on Sundays. I am a fantastic “Arm Chair Coach.” I joke one of the reasons my husband married me is my love of football. Not only do I love watching the game, I actually understand the game and what is happening on the field.

Yes, as a little girl I dreamed about getting married, having kids and owning a house. My husband and I celebrated 17 years of marriage this summer. We have 3 kids, 2 dogs, a mortgage and a minivan. To the average person, this is a great life, and it is. To those in the Conservative Evangelical Churches/ SBC, this is good, but I’m not who I need to be.

I worked full time until after my youngest was born, then I was a stay at home (SAHM) for a few years. Now, I am back working full time. While I love my hubby and kiddos, I didn’t love being a SAHM. I wasn’t cut out for it. I have a better relationship with my hubby and kiddos working full time, than I did when I was at home.

When you walk into my house, you know we actually live there. My house will not pass a white glove test. Even though we’ve moved beyond the toddler/ preschool toys, another set of stuff has taken over. We have 2 tweens and a teen. You will find electronic chords, tablets, Pokémon cards, backpacks, and dog toys for days. Our dining room table needs to be unearthed several times a month. It’s like school work, mail and other things just seem to grow up from under the table. Most meals are eaten at the kitchen peninsula. I will say my hubby is fantastic and doesn’t shy away from cleaning house. He is typically the one who cleans the kitchen and scrubs the toilets, among many other things. There are things he does that others would look at and say “that’s women’s work.” Right now, there is a pile of laundry on the bench at the end our bed. Thanks to the new puppy, our middle child is sleeping on a pallet on the floor to keep the new pup from crying all night. Our house is clean, not perfect, but what I am coming to realize is considered typical. In the CEC, women are taught to keep a home that looks like something from a “Good Housekeeping” magazine. If this is the house you are expecting, please don’t come over. If you want a comfortable and lived in home, then come on over. Well, only if invited, because let’s be honest, I’m an introvert and can only handle people for so long. I digress, let’s get back to the topic at hand.

My husband and I both cook. He is much better than I am. I don’t come home from work every night and cook my family a 3 course meal. There are nights when throwing frozen chicken patties in the microwave, putting them on buns and serving them with a side of chips is typical. When there are 3 kids, running in 3 different directions, meals have to be something that can be thrown together quickly. This coming weekend the weather is supposed to be beautiful and I’m looking forward to grilling brats and burgers. Yes, “I” am the one who will be grilling. I know, that “should” be the man’s domain. Guess what? Girls CAN grill too!!!

Clothes, hair and makeup is what really sets me apart from what’s expected of CEC women. I can count one hand the number of times I wear makeup every year. I am staring down the barrel of 45 and have only had my hair professionally colored twice. You read that right; twice. I “might” get my hair trimmed 2-3 times a year. I went from February of 2020 to March of 2022 without a haircut. Due to Covid, I wasn’t even coloring my hair at home. I lived in messy buns. When I finally made it to get a haircut at the beginning of this year, I had the lady cut it short, so I could wash it and go. I’m finally wearing my hair in it’s natural curls. My flat iron is currently collecting dust.

For clothes, I’m happier in my yoga capris, t-shirts and my Chacos. At work, I live in leggings and tunic tops. Even though I’m in the choir, I will either wear something like I wear to work, or wear jeans and a cotton top. I care more about comfort than fashion. I also wear the same jewelry every single day. I do have more pieces in my jewelry box, but rarely wear any of it. I will say I do see the value/ need to dress up when the occasion calls for it. That being said to keep up with all of that on a day to day basis seems exhausting to me.

Another thing is traditional women’s ministry. Once I was out of college and invited to join those events, I pretty well stopped going immediately. It was all fluff. I was always jealous when the guys went to ball games, hiking and canoeing. They really dug into the Bible on a deeper level. The women’s events were/ are about arts and crafts, making our homes look “perfect” The only reason I attended the last women’s ministry event was because a close friend and I were leading a breakout session on a topic that is near and dear to my heart. I also see a disconnect between the older generation and the younger generation, and I think some of my frustrations play into this.

I am OVER hearing lessons about Ruth, Mary, Martha, the woman at the well, as well as Proverbs 31, along with the words of Paul being used to shame us into quiet submission. We should be treated as people who have an education and are capable of teaching and leading. I will own I’m a Hebrew dropout. That being said, I love hearing a preacher state “In the Greek or Hebrew, _____ word means _____.” It puts things into context. Instead of chicken broth in women’s events, I’d love a good ribeye when discussing the Bible. Women are intelligent and capable of a deep dive into the scriptures. We are capable of talking about more than just a few women in the Bible. It would be nice to not have passages watered down. My views on women in the pulpit might be another blog post down the road. Yes, I am in full support.

All of this to say my line of thinking, who I am as a person and what I hold to be true about women don’t fit into the mold most CEC expect of women. I want to be accepted for who I am and not not what others think I should be. I want to know myself and other women like me have value in the church.

To those reading this and identifying with what is written here, I SEE you!!! I am standing WITH you.