SBC and Excommunication 2023


First of all, to anyone who reads this and is not a believer, I’m apologizing for the behavior of the “Men” currently sitting in the SBC Executive Meeting. What’s happening is NOT of the Lord and I can’t believe on any level the Lord is happy with current events and decisions being made. Once upon a time I was proud to call myself Southern Baptist and now I feel like I need to apologize to those outside the convention as well as the women and girls inside the convention.

On Monday nights I am sitting in a group for those of us with a history of SA. Some women experienced the SA at the hands of church staff. Others of us did not, but the religious trauma is a shared experience. Many of us grew up in fundamental, conservative, evangelical churches. Y’all, the feelings rising to the surface are a little scary. This group is not for the faint of heart. It is not one you walk away from feeling all warm and fuzzy. It is real and more raw than even I could have ever have imagined. Processing all the things is not going to be quick or easy. There is major work ahead.

The last two group sessions I have walked away just plain pissed off. I have noticed the little things that I don’t typically think twice about are getting to me. I’m struggling to stay focused. My emotions are all over the place. I’m also noticing, especially after last night, I am honestly angry. I don’t even know how to channel this anger, or what to do with it. I did meet with my therapist today and she assures me this anger is healing moving forward. Not sure I like it, or agree, but I am going to keep on trusting her. Semi-joking and semi-not joking, I asked to give her my “box” of emotions. I asked her to “clean them up, make them pretty, happy, and then return them to me with a nice margarita.” She found it funny, but reminded me that’s not how this process works. I’m the one who has to do the actual emotional work. Nope, not a fan. I give it zero stars.

I’ve been on the struggle bus with church, especially the SBC for quite a while now. If you have followed my blog for any length of time, you know I’m walking a season of deconstruction. I realize so much of what I was taught growing up is honestly, dangerous, especially for women and girls. SA has been identified as a major issue, but the “leadership” is only giving it lip service. They turned to Guidepost, but don’t seem to have any real intention of following through with the recommendations. Women and girls are no longer really safe inside the doors of their churches because the “leadership” of the SBC would rather keep the “Good Ole Boy” system in place, rather than offer up consequences to their buddies, even with enough proof to have the perps thrown in jail. Yes, I put Patterson, Hunt, and Chandler in that category.

“Men” like William Wolfe have taken to social media to say “White women are the enemy of the church.” Yes, this is a white “man” disparaging WHITE women, the only race he seems to deem worthy of salvation. I guess, really, he only thinks white “men” have a place in eternity. I’m too afraid to go down the rabbit hole of his distorted, misogynistic, racist beliefs. I’d recommend reading his crap, but I don’t want anyone else traumatized by his BS. (I feel honored that I’ve been denied access to his account and can only see what someone else screenshots and shares). Under his above statement is a picture of Beth Moore! Really? Beth Moore, a godly, called, equipped woman is a “Threat?” She has more knowledge of Greek and Hebrew than most men I know. He also has a low view of women like Dr. Beth Allison Barr and Kristen Du Mez. These are women I look up to and respect. They have kept me from jumping off the proverbial cliff. They have reminded me I and other women have actual worth to the Lord. I had no clue white women were capable of destroying the work of The Lord, until I read his word. We are apparently paving the way to hell. I never knew The Lord was so weak? This “man” is also a Christian Nationalist and makes no attempt to hide this fact. It’s horrifying that people like him are allowed to have a voice in what’s happening in our churches. The last statement could be a whole other post in and of itself.

As I alluded to at the beginning of this post, the SBC Executive Committee meeting is currently in progress. To hear FOUR churches are being banished/ disfellowshipped from the convention because they *gasp* have dared to ordain and/ or call WOMEN!!!! The horrors!. Some people have developed a major case of the vapors over this one and just don’t have the mental or emotional capacity to handle it. One of these churches is SADDLE BACK out in CA. Y’all, is there really a church that didn’t do “Purpose Driven Life” at some point? Saddle Back led the way and many churches followed, even if it wasn’t the best fit, on several fronts. Rick Warren was one of the most sought after preachers for a couple of decades. The SBC is now ready to banish and exile him?

While I don’t have facts to back up my opinion, I do feel the Warrens’ son taking his life was the start of the end for that church and our convention. NO, I do NOT agree with that stance. The convention SHOULD have come around his family. Given the SBC does NOT have a high view of people who struggle with their mental health, nor mental health professionals, I can’t say I’m shocked. Appalled, but not shocked. That was strike one. Strike two was the decision to commit the “Sin” of ordaining an actual woman. Then, strike three was, horror of all horrors to call a FEMALE PASTOR? Can you believe it? They actually took the time to call a fully equipped, CALLED, woman of God to PREACH!!! They allowed a WOMAN to be a PASTOR! How will the men learn under the leadership of a female? How will women learn “their place,” if a woman is actually in the pulpit? Oh my goodness! Get out the smellin’ salts y’all. They’ve gone and done it now.

I know I’m attempting to add humor to this, but honestly, I am PISSED!!! I know they are only one of four being given the boot over these issues. The thing that really makes the bile rise and the blood boil is that there are churches with KNOWN perpetrators and NOTHING is being done! When it comes to sexual predators in the pulpit, the convention is choosing to state the convention holds NO power to do anything. So, here’s the sad, pathetic reality: A church decides to ordain and/ or call a female, the convention will go to their MAN MADE book of the “Baptist Faith and Message 2000” and declare that church is to be disfellowshipped. However, when a perp is knowingly allowed to continue in any leadership role within the church, the SBC immediately states they have NO power to do anything. Yep, the SBC cherry picks what and where they can or WON’T assert power. This means the Good Ole Boy System stays securely in place.

Here’s how it all boils down… If you are a “manly, grizzly man” who loves power and control you are welcome to belong. As a woman, if you are willing to be the “quiet, subservient, arm piece of a house wife” and teach your daughters to follow suit, you my also belong. Any woman, who dares to be independent, or be called and equipped in any way shape, or form, please take your leave now. We are NOT welcome. There is no desire to hold men accountable. Any of their failures apparently lay squarely on the shoulders of the women in their lives. “Men” claim we have no power until a failure happens, and then women have all the “power.”

It has been said by numerous “men” and “leaders” in the SBC that if women (and girls) didn’t dress a certain way, act in a certain manner, or go to certain places rape/ SA wouldn’t happen. They are turning a blind eye to what is happening in some churches. They are also turning a bling eye to women like me. I was in MY home, in MY room, and in MY bed, wearing a LONG nightgown (the first time), so please tell me how we were in places that SHOULD have been safe, but became hell on earth? Did I mention I was in middle school? Please tell me how ordaining and/ or calling women is far worse than rape/ SA? Common sense has long left the “room.” The focus is on the WRONG thing. I guess as long as your buddy can continue to fill the pulpit, it’s fine. The safety of women and girls are nowhere on the radar. Shockingly, people are leaving the SBC in droves, but no one seems to understand why?

YES, I believe The Lord can call a WOMAN to the pulpit. YES, I believe WOMEN are just as capable of leading a church as a man. YES, I believe rape/ SA are far worse than women in leadership YES, I hope and pray that some day the SBC will release a list of perps that is NOT redacted in any way and will finally disqualify those on the list from ministry. YES, I hope and pray the safety of women and children will one day be more important than protecting the reputation of perps and the Good Ole Boy system. If those things don’t happen, the SBC will eventually implode and it will be the fault of the so called “leaders.”

*The SBC does not excommunicate people or churches. There is a vote to withdraw membership and then disfellowship that person, or in this case, church.

*I know there are boys who have been assaulted/ victimized as well. Not going to pretend otherwise.


Sexual Assault, My Story, and the SBC


Trigger warnings: Rape, Sexual Assault, Faith

If you are a victim/ survivor reading this, please know this is not an easy read. While no graphic material will be shared, it is real and raw.

This is a long post. You might read it one sitting, or you may need to take a break and read it in sections. To be honest, I’ve had to walk away and take breaks while writing this.

If you are a victim/ survivor reading this, there are some things I want to say directly to you, up front.

– You are NOT at fault!!!

– What you wore, what you drank, how you acted did NOT mean you asked for/ deserved what happened.

– The shame is real, but it is NOT yours to carry. The real shame belongs to your perpetrator.

– If you are a victim/ survivor and have not come forward to share your story, I am a safe place. I will post hotlines at the end of this post. You are WORTHY of help. You are WORTHY to move forward. SPEAK UP and use your voice!!!!!

– In case you have never heard it before. I BELIEVE YOU!!!!

I am now choosing to share parts of my own story of rape and sexual assault because I have been in therapy for a hot minute with the most incredible therapist. Honestly, if it weren’t for her, I’m not sure I would be here to share my story in this moment. I first opened up to my two best friends. Our friendship had been in place for roughly 15 years. Now we have now been friends a little over 20 years. I thought they would cast me aside and end our friendships. Thankfully, that was the total opposite of what happened. I was terrified to tell my husband because I thought he would view me as dirty and not want to be with me anymore. Thankfully, that was also a far cry from reality. Through the good, the bad, the nightmares that come with PTSD and the panic attacks, he has more than honored our wedding vows. I have also developed an incredible tribe who has walked alongside me in my journey to move from victim to survivor.

While I have been in therapy for a hot minute, I have not arrived. I still have work to do. Following the crap show that has been the SBC for the past several years on this front has been triggering. I hate that word because it gets thrown around so much and not used in the correct context. That being said, the stories, the investigations and finally the Guidepost reports have shown I’m still struggling on several fronts. To be honest, my faith has taken a hit, but I will share more about that later on this post.

I HATE porn!!! I hate what it does to people and who it turns them into. I was in 5th grade when I was raped. It happened in a living room. There was a VHS porn tape playing on the tv. In 6th grade, someone who “should” have protected me sexually assaulted me several times a week for about a year. A boy in my 6th grade class took upon himself to snap my bra on a regular basis. My first boss made sexually inappropriate comments on a regular basis and that was a situation I was able to walk away from.

I was terrified to speak up. I was afraid of what would happen. I wanted to tell my dad, but was honestly terrified he would have murdered both perps. If he went to prison for murder, I was afraid everyone in my family would have hated me for it. I have often wondered how my family would look like today, if I’d had the courage to speak up.

Even though I didn’t realize it at the time, I turned to food to cope. I started what I know now was binging. It didn’t matter if I had eaten a meal and was full, I wanted more. I gained a lot of weight. The people around me chalked it up to puberty. My hygiene also went out the window. I had one teacher who noticed the changes. She talked to me about the importance of showering, eating a healthy diet and exercising. However, she never once thought to ask other questions. She never once thought to see if there was more to the story. People at church noticed the changes in my physical appearance and temperament, but never bothered to ask questions.

Fast forward to college. I had friends and roommates who played volleyball. Because I wanted to support them and earn credit as a Human Performance minor, I often called lines for games and tournaments. On a Saturday, our college hosted a tournament and I was asked to call lines. I got to the gym a little early to help set up. Teams were coming in. I looked up and saw a man making a bee line straight for me. He hugged me like I was his long lost best friend. I wanted to punch him and throw up at the same time. The perp who sexually assaulted me through all of 6th grade was standing in my college gym as the head coach of one of the volleyball teams. I honestly don’t remember much about the rest of that day. I can just about guarantee I messed up my fair share of calls. That night, my roommate/ volleyball player went home with her family. I somehow made the walk to our 4th floor dorm room and stuffed myself with food. I ate until I puked. Binging and purging would become a habit for a couple more years.

Once I graduated from college, I served a Semester Missionary through NAMB. Christmas of 2000, all of the Semester Missionaries gathered for a Christmas party before we flew home for the holidays. I ate until beyond full. Later on that night when I was sure everyone was asleep, I went to the bathroom and purged. I “thought” I had gotten away with it. The next morning there was a knock on my bedroom door and two other girls I served with were standing there. They asked me straight forward about my behavior the night before. It was the first time anyone caught on to what I was doing and lovingly called me out. I begged for them not to tell our house parents. I begged for them not to tell anyone at the board. They agreed on the condition I would come clean to the YMCA Fitness Director when we came back. Reluctantly, I agreed. When we returned they held me to my promise. The director had me keep a food diary and I was only allowed to work out with her. Sadly, I jumped from binging and purging to restricting. There were days I only ate 500 calories. Since then my weight has consistently fluctuated. I have never had a healthy relationship with food and still don’t to this day.

Fast forward to summer of 2014. Married, 3 kids and in the process of buying our first home. We had moved into a temporary rental while waiting to close and move. Anyone who has ever bought a house knows it’s far from easy and the stressors can be high. My emotions were all over the place. For whatever reasons the stress triggered nightmares and flashbacks. I couldn’t sleep at night because I could feel the assaults all over again. The people around me assumed I was overreacting to the stress of buying a home. They had no idea the hell I lived when I attempted to sleep.

Things were so bad that summer, I wanted to end it all. I prayed for the courage to end it all. There is a picture of my daughter that sits in the dashboard of my van. It was taken when she was around 3 years old and in day school. I don’t remember how are why it ended up there, but I am convinced the Lord knew what that picture would come to mean to me. That picture literally saved my life. Every time I made up my mind to follow through with my plan, I would see that picture and wasn’t able to do anything. Even with as bad as things were, it still took another two years before I could finally open up to my best friends and my husband. July of 2016, I finally walked into a therapist office to start my journey towards healing.

Several years later, all hell broke with the former president of the seminary I attended. I was serving on a church staff. I was embarrassed to be SBC. I was embarrassed to be serving in an SBC church. I had been following the “hearing” over Patterson’s behaviors. I stayed up until a little after 1a following the story on Twitter, because I had to be at work the next morning, I finally turned off my phone and attempted to sleep. When I turned to Twitter the next morning, I couldn’t believe what I reading. Even though Patterson basically patted a perpetrator on the back, shamed and punished the victim, he was handed retirement on a silver platter. I pulled into the church parking lot that morning and had zero desire to walk in. I was not angry with my senior pastor, the missions pastor I served under or anyone else on staff. I angry with the fact the reputation of a misogynistic, hypocritical, so-called man of God was getting a pat on the back and smooth ride off into the sunset. After texting my favorite pastor’s wife, praying and talking myself into walking into the church, I walked into my office and pulled my SWBTS diploma off the wall. To this day, I have not hung my diploma back on the wall in any place.

Patterson continues to placed in prominent, prestigious, places of honor. Based on scripture, he has ZERO reasons to fill any pulpit. I see where he is being allowed to preach on Sunday (5/29). There are so many biblical reason to have his ordination pulled. Because no one has offered biblical discipline, according to Matthew. He continues to be allowed to leave damage in his wake. He continues to be allowed to demean women. He is allowed to continue to be completely hypocritical and contradict scripture at every turn. I could write a whole other post on the hypocrite that is his wife, but that’s another blog for another time. (I do plan on writing one on women and the SBC and I have plenty to share on her and my first hand conversations with her).

As all of the sexual assaults have come to light. The good old boy system has forged ahead like a bull in a China shop. Perpetrators masquerading as pastoral staff have been protected and moved around. Victims/ survivors have been shamed and called liars across multiple social media platforms. The investigation that finally happened was fought because “reputations” were on the line. I can’t even begin describe my anger and rage at what I’ve read and heard. Against all odds and legal battles, Guidepost finally performed an investigation. I have read the majority of that report. The details that have emerged “Should” be a major call to repentance and a large number of men who have been biblically disqualified from the pulpit “should” be stepping down. Instead, reports have had sections redacted. Perpetrators are STILL being protected. Yes, Guidepost posted a hotline for victims/ survivors in the church, but I struggle to believe anything will actually change.

Many churches, both large and small, and have posted statements to the Guidepost findings. Unless pastors truly step up and put action behind their words, the words are empty and meaningless. It’s past time for pastoral staff to come alongside us. My assaults did not come at the hands of pastoral staff, but the view of men and women in the SBC played a role. Until the SBC sees women as valuable and reteaches how men are to treat women, nothing will change.

A victim/ survivor hearing “Oh that was hard” and “I’m praying for you,” then sending us on our way helps nothing. I have shared my story and been dismissed. To say anger at those who have attempted to silence me and send me on my way has been more harmful than they realize. My faith has taken a massive hit. While the core of what I believe has remained, I question so many other things. I don’t agree with so much of what the SBC teaches at this point. I don’t agree with view of men and women and their roles in the SBC. I honestly don’t believe Christ would stand in affirmation at the current state of the convention. I think He would be overturning tables. I believe righteous anger would displayed.

I believe the perpetrators in the pulpit should be called out and cast out. I know I am not the one sitting on the judgement throne at the end of days, but there are a large number of perpetrators at/ from our seminaries, universities and churches who will find it too late to repent. They are convinced because they have filled a pulpit that they will hear “Well done thou good and faithful servant,” when in reality, they will hear “Depart from Me because I never knew you.” These perpetrators “Should” fear eternity and the ultimate judgement. These perpetrators “Should” be in fear of the eternal fiery furnace. I am far from perfect and wholeheartedly acknowledge this, but know I strive to live a life that would honor Christ and how He calls us to treat others.

I’ve spent a large part of this post calling out so-called pastors and “Men of God,” but parents you also have a responsibility! I understand the anger of the Duggar sisters. Parents teach your sons how to treat a woman. Teach your daughters to be confident of who they are. Teach your sons and daughters that “NO” means “NO.” Give your kids a safe place to speak. For the love, BELIEVE them when they talk to you. If you have any ounce of compassion and love your child, do NOT speak the name of a perpetrator in comparison to/ over your children and/ or your grandchildren. If you do, don’t be surprised when the relationship ends. Defending and placing a perp on a lofty pedestal will never end well. Relationships will be destroyed and it will be your own fault.

I am hurt. I am angry. I am frustrated. I could write so much more, but I will stop here, for now.

As promised, here is a list of supports for victims/ survivors.

RAINN: 1-800-656-4673

Guidepost Hotline: 202-864-5578

Lantern Lane Counseling Center- 615-973-5454

Terri Atwood Counseling- 615-477-3073

Vertrees Clincal Group LLC- 615-784-4056

Sexual Assault Center- 615-259-9055 1-800-784-2433

Crisis Call Center- 1-800-273-8255

The Jason Foundation- 1-888-881-2323

Please know this is only a small number of resources. You can Google resources in your area.