I See You

Towards the end of spring I had the privilege of attending the Sandy Patty Farewell Tour Concert and then hearing Christine Caine speak at an event. There were similarities in both events. One of those was the worship. All I can say is the Spirit was moving in both sanctuaries. Lights were turned down low and they gave you the time to be “alone” with the Lord. The second thing both had in common was they talked about how the Lord says “I see you,” “I found you,” “I know you” repeatedly through out scripture.

“I see you.” How amazingly wonderful is that? Back in Genesis the Lord asks Adam and Eve “where are you?” It’s not that He didn’t know the answer, but the Lord was letting them know that He knew. No matter where we are in life, He knows. No matter the amount of running and hiding we try to do, He sees us. He sees all of us and knows everything there is to know about us. There is no thought or action we have that He doesn’t already know. The things we are the most scared others may find out, He knows and loves us anyway.

“I found you.” Like the parable of the lost sheep, the Lord comes and looks for us when we walk away, or are trying to run away. He sees us valuable enough to come looking for us and then rejoices when we are found. Personally, there are days when I want to run and hide. I may not necessarily want to run from the Lord, but circumstances in life cause me to want to run away, never to be seen again. The thing I find most comforting in those moments in life is that I know the Lord loves me and will never leave me.

“I know you.” That’s right. There is nothing the Lord doesn’t know about us! He knows it all because He created us. The deepest pain and biggest dreams we don’t dare to share, He already knows. Those things we long to say to another person, but are too afraid to speak, we can tell Him, because it isn’t a secret to Him. Those things we dared to speak, but no other person wants to believe, He does! He knows every single movement we’ve ever made, every thought we’ve ever had and saw every tear that fell in private.

As I reflect on all of the craziness in the world today, I take comfort in knowing the Lord sees all of us. So many times I think that’s what people want. We want to know that someone sees us, not just acknowledges our presence, but really sees us, the good, the bad and the ugly. We want to know to someone cares enough to really listen to what it is that’s on our hearts and minds. We want to know we are valued. We want people to below the surface and see into our hearts. Even when it seems not a living soul around is capable of this, the Lord is.

What would happen if we followed the Lord’s example on this? What would happen if we really took the time to see the person/ people in front of us who may be driving us crazy and even causing us to be angry? What would happen if instead of muttering under our breath when we encounter that one person/ group of people, we took the time to really listen to what it is they want to say without trying to rely on an auto response based on what we think we know?

What if we really took the time to look deep into the eyes of our friends to see what is beneath the surface. Too many of our friends put on a brave front every day. They work so hard to keep their hurts concealed, while hoping and praying someone loves them enough to see the past the mask. We have friends we interact with on a daily basis, but don’t take the time to have deep heart to heart conversations with. These friends not only need to hear from you that you see them, but more importantly that the Lord sees them. They need to hear the Lord loves them and took the time to seek them out, even if they can’t feel His presence.

Who in your life needs to hear their seen, found and known? I challenge you to take a look around you and find the person in your circle who needs to hear this message. Take the time to be the voice and the hands of Christ.

To Be or Not To Be a Lady?

Before anyone decides to lynch me for this post, let me tell you a little bit about myself. People who have known me my entire life will tell you it’s all true. I am a Tomboy. I am a bluejeans, t-shirt and tennis shoes/ flip flop kind of girl. I’d rather be camping, hiking, or out on the water than in a mall shopping. I can’t stand wearing make-up, but will wear it only when the situation absolutely calls for it, maybe. I don’t enjoy wearing dresses and there is not a single pair of heels to be found in my closet.

I also support and encourage girls and ladies to excel in all areas. The valedictorian and co-valedictorian of my high school graduating class were females. My undergrad degree is from a Southern Baptist all women’s college, where I spent four years surrounded by intelligent and driven ladies. Several of them have gone on to excel in their areas of expertise. At SWBTS I had the privilege of serving as secretary, vice-president and president of the largest student organization on campus. I believe it’s possible for ladies to lead and be the top in their fields.

Now that I have cleared that part up, let’s explore my frustration with a growing trend I have seen on social media and on television. When did we decide that being treated and acting like a lady was degrading to our gender? When did we decide that men holding doors open for us, picking up the tab, leading on the dance floor, or even fixing things for us was bad? When did we as a society decide that men were another mountain to be conquered?

Yes I have a strong personality and am extremely independent, BUT, and this is a huge but, I LOVE it when my husband does certain things for me. I love it when he opens doors for me. I love it when he kisses me on top of the forehead. I love it when there is an issue with our home, or one of our cars and he takes care of it. He doesn’t do these things because I am incapable of doing them. He does it out of respect for me. He doesn’t view me as weak, or dumb. He does it because he loves me and wants me to feel every bit a lady.

While I think we have come a long way in women’s rights, I think we have tried to overstep what that really means. We should have the right to vote. We should have the right to an education. We should have the right to excel at work. Granted, pay equality still needs some work. I don’t think we should push until we have turned men into the weaker sex. I don’t think we should push men out of their Biblical roles.

Eve was created out of the rib of Adam to be his helpmate. Adam was still created to lead. We are wired differently than men and I fail to see where that is a bad thing. In spite of my independent personality, I LOVE it when my husband takes the lead. I love knowing that I have a husband who isn’t afraid to lead and to wear the pants in our marriage.

I will raise my daughter to be strong and independent. I will encourage her to do her best in whatever field of study she lands. I will also encourage her to find a man much like her daddy. I will raise my daughter to know how to take care of certain things, but at the same time teach her that it’s ok if her future husband takes care of it for her. I want her to know what it means to be a helpmate for her husband and what working along side him means. I by no means expect my daughter to be barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen.

My boys already hear me say “be a gentleman.” My boys are being taught to open doors for ladies and to to watch our for and protect the girls around them. I will also teach them that it’s ok for girls to be smart and independent. I pray the girls they marry are strong and independent. I also pray those girls will allow my boys to lead their homes.

My husband and I function as a team. I have a voice in what happens inside of our home, including finances. Most of the time we will come to an agreement on how to handle things. This doesn’t mean that I will get my way, or that he will get his. Many times it’s a compromise of what we both want. There have been a handful of times in our almost 11 year marriage that we have disagreed and he has done what he felt was best for our family. Most of the time, that’s worked out well. There have been a couple of times where he has come back and said he wished he had listened to me. Regardless of what happens, my husband is still the head of our home. By allowing him to be the head, we are following the Lord’s guidelines for marriage and it means that I am the lady of the house, rather than the one wearing the metaphorical pants.

Being a lady doesn’t mean being dumb or being unable to do anything for ourselves. It means allowing the men in our lives to fulfill the roles they were given. By my husband taking care of certain things, it allows me to focus on our kids and our home. It even frees me up to write and to pursue my dreams.

Mothers Day can be Bittersweet

Mothers Day can bring about a myriad of emotions. There are some who love it. There are some who hate it and others who feel everything in between. Even from where I sit, there are times when I struggle with Mothers Day.

For those of you who have followed my blog for a while, you know my story. Those of you who are joining me for the first time, I will give you a brief overview of the path I’ve walked. I had my first miscarriage a week before my husband and I celebrated our first Christmas as a married couple in December of 05. My 2nd miscarriage would come a week before Mothers Day 06. It would take a while to get pregnant again, only to have my 3rd miscarriage in August of 07. It would be September 08 before I would find out that I was pregnant with my daughter and she would be born 2 days after Mothers Day 09. I then had my older son in July 2010. It wouldn’t be very much time after was born that I found out I was pregnant with my youngest son. When we went in for the first ultrasound, I would have the joy of seeing twins on the screens. That joy would be temporary because the tech would tell me that baby B had no heartbeat and had passed the week before. His birth in May 2011 would be a bittersweet day because I knew I should be celebrating the birth of two baby boys, but would only ever get to hold one.

I have friends who have seen more positive pregnancy tests than they care to admit, only to have those sweet babies enter back into the arms of Christ before they ever made it into the arms of their mothers. Other friends have never experienced the emotions associated with a positive pregnancy test. I have another group of friends who have walked both of those paths and looked towards adoption to expand their families only to have the adoptions fall through and still have empty arms.

Having been on both sides of that coin, I struggle with how Mothers Day should be celebrated. When I was walking the path of miscarriage and infertility, I struggled with going to baby showers and eventually would only send a gift through a friend. I stopped going to church on Mothers Day and Fathers Day because it was just too hard to be surrounded by so many happy mothers. On those days, I would hide at home and watch my favorite chick flicks and order Chinese food.

I also wanted to honor my mother, my sister and celebrate my friends who had become mothers. I still sent a card to my mother and would call my mother and sister. They deserved to be honored and celebrated. My mother brought me into this world and raised me as a single parent while putting herself through nursing school. She deserves to be celebrated. My sister walked a hard path to having my niece and nephew. She deserves to be celebrated. I have several spiritual mothers who prayed along side my mother to get me to where I am now. They deserve to be celebrated. Churches should acknowledge and celebrate mothers in their congregations.

Yes, that means I think churches should give mothers a flower or small gift. The oldest mother, the newest mother and the mother with most the most kids should be recognized. The sermon should be geared towards mothers and what motherhood means. Mothers do so much and deserved to be celebrated. Without them, none of us would be here. Many of us wouldn’t have made it to where we are in life if those mothers hadn’t spent many hours praying for us, cheering us on and encouraging us.

Nowhere in scripture is the role of motherhood downplayed. Nowhere in scripture did the Lord say that mothers weren’t important. In fact, the Lord talks about women from the Old Testament all the way through to the end of the New Testament. There are some women who may have never been mothers, but they mentored those around them. He saw them all as important. The church should do the same.

Tomorrow, I will celebrate the fact that I have three precious kiddos who bestowed me with title of Mom. I will celebrate and honor my mother and my sister, who are both incredible moms. I will also think about the four little one whom I will never meet this side of Heaven.
Tomorrow, regardless of what side of the coin you are on, do what you need to do. For some of you it may mean spending a quiet day at home. For others, it may mean heading to church to celebrate being a mother and celebrating the mothers around you.

To those of you with empty arms, I pray for a peace that can only come from the Lord.

To those who are mothers, enjoy your day with your little ones.

To my mom and my sister, I love you both and pray you both have a wonderful and Happy Mothers Day!

Fear of Failure

Fear: an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.

Failure: lack of success

As believers, why is it that we spend so much struggling with fear? Did you know that “Do not be afraid,” “Fear not” is in the Bible 365 times. That’s one verse for every single day of the year. It seems to me that if the Lord has put the much time into telling us not to be afraid that we’d be able to lay our fear at the alter and move on.

I’ll be honest, I there are several things that cause me to be afraid. Some are normal. Others, maybe not so much. I have learned that if I think I am going to fail at something, then I don’t even make the attempt to try. I grew up as a military brat. Failure at anything was never really accepted. This led me down the path of not even attempting to do certain things that I really wanted to do because I couldn’t handle the thought of anyone viewing me as a failure.

I have shared in at least one other post that I am a member of Christian Women in Media. I joined this group because I have a desire to be a freelance writer, author and hopefully, one day a speaker. After attending meetings for over a year, I officially joined and paid dues back in November. My husband asks me frequently “You want to write. What are you doing about it?” I’ll be honest. I don’t always have an answer for him, even though I have a long list of dreams associated with writing.

Fast forward to March. I attended a regional dinner of CWIMA. April was sitting at my table and was getting ready to launch a brand new online women’s ministry within the next week. She talked about her dreams for the ministry as well as talking about guest bloggers. I knew I wanted to be a part of what she was doing, but couldn’t find the words or the courage to speak up.

Our main speaker, Angela, talked a great deal about overcoming fear. It was almost as if she had been inside of my head, knew what I had been praying, as well as been a part of several conversations I’d over the past couple of weeks. There were several times while she was speaking that I honestly wanted to cry. As she was speaking, I felt like the Lord kept telling me that I needed to talk to April once the dinner was over. I argued with the Lord for the better part of an hour.

Once we had been dismissed I really wanted to run to my car and speed home. After all, who was I to ask to write for a new women’s ministry? My degree is not in journalism and all I have is a blog that I don’t keep up with like I should because I don’t think most people want to read what I have to say. Most of my writing is in my journal and those are private thoughts that I know no other soul is going to read. Yes, I gripped with fear.

I have to laugh how the Lord works. As I am trying to get to the door to basically escape, who should I hit the door with at the same time? Yep, April. At that point, I opened my mouth and tentatively asked if she was looking to add any more guest bloggers and would she consider me? I was shocked when she said “Yes.” I really wanted to ask if she was sure, but I didn’t. We ended up standing in the parking lot and talking until almost 11p that night.

The following week I sent her a link to my blog. We talked about a possible timeline for a post. Within about two weeks I had sent her a bio, a picture and a blog post. Honestly, I didn’t think she would like or accept it. When she actually posted it, I was probably little more excited than I should have been. This was the first time I had been published anywhere. If I had let the fear of failure grip me that Thursday night, this never would have happened. Yesterday I submitted my second post for the ministry.

What is it you are afraid of? Are you like me and the fear of failure has prevented you from truly going after your dreams? If you knew you couldn’t fail, what would you do? Do you have a dream you know the Lord has placed on your heart and it’s been there more years than you care to admit? What are you waiting for? It’s past time to take that first step! Go forth and do NOT fear!

Build Your Porch

“Build your porch.” “Build your small group.” “Find the group where you can be completely open, honest and share your stuff.” These are all phrases I have heard more times than I can count in the past year and every time I hear them, it makes me stop and think. I have a pretty tight knit group of friends. If I was honest, I could list those in my inner core and then start moving to outer circles. In a way I have done this, but do I allow myself to be completely mask free when I’m with them, or do I still hold back?

I have 2 sets of friends who make up my inner core. 2 of those friends I have known since my single days. We have walked through the ups and downs of life together. We have seen each other through marriages, births of children and the other things that life has thrown our way. We may not see each other every week, but we don’t have to in order to stay connected. The 2nd group is also 2 ladies I meet with once a week. I have known them about 3 years give or take. While there have definitely been some life hurdles in the time I haven’t known them quite as long. I know that through the good, the bad and the ugly, we all have each others’ backs. The next ring in my circle of friends contains mostly ladies I have known for about 3 years and a dear friend from my seminary days. The next ring would hold friends I have known for a longer period of time, but don’t get to hang out with or get to talk with on a regular basis.

Even though I completely trust all 4 ladies on my porch, I know that there is still a part of me that I hold back. There are parts of my life with which I am an open book. Then there are other parts closed up tighter than Fort Knox. Since I started my blog, I have talked about and encouraged complete and total honesty as well as transparency with those in your inner circle. When I think about me personally, I realize that I have pretty much encouraged a “Do as I say and not as I do” mentality. I have encouraged my readers to be vulnerable, but haven’t been with the ladies on my porch.

In scripture we are encouraged to join with one another and live in community:

“And if somebody overpowers one person, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not easily broken.” Ecclesiastes 4:12

” Carry one another’s burdens; in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” Galatians 6:2

Nowhere in Scripture are we encouraged to live life solo. This means that we share the ups and downs of life with those around us. Again, I encourage you to be careful about who you share certain pieces of information with. Now, go build your porch!

New Year. Now What?

It’s that time of year where just about every adult I know is making resolutions. It’s the beginning of a new year. It appears to be the time of year we are all looking for a fresh start. We want to become newer and better versions of ourselves, or want to make a complete 180. We have somehow decided the way we have been is no longer good enough and we feel we must change in order to have a great or even slightly nominal year.

My question is, are these resolutions realistic? Do we put so much on ourselves this time of year that in a matter of weeks we are back at our old habits and gave up on any changes we really wanted to make? I also often wonder if we feel we are so unlovable or unlikable that we feel we need to make changes in order to make those around us like and accept us. While I will always encourage soul searching and getting before the Lord about our lives, I wonder how much of what we “think” needs to change, really does?

Yes, there are often changes we need to make. Too many times we let our diet and exercise slip by the wayside. That being said, make those changes realistic. To make the decision to run 5 days a week for an hour is not going to work if you hate running. If you vow to give up chocolate (my personal vice) for the year and it’s your favorite treat, you are setting yourself up to fail. I’m picking on diet and exercise because those seem to be the big changes most of us want to make. Make small changes and work your way up from there. For instance, if you have been a couch potato, or only walking every once in a while, try walking for 15 mins twice a week. As you can comfortably do that, then add time and distance. As you improve on that, then add weights.

On the diet front, do not, I repeat do NOT go on a diet because it won’t last. Make changes. Make a lifestyle change. Start making small substitutions and cutting back on certain things. I love my chocolate and sweet tea, probably way more than I should. There is no need to never enjoy either of those again, it’s time to not have them on a regular basis. Any diet that tells you to completely cut out something isn’t healthy. Your body NEEDS fat, carbs and protein!

We all want to learn and grow as the year progresses, just make sure it’s for you and you aren’t doing something because you feel it’s what’s expected of you. If we only do what we “think” others may want or expect of us, we never truly learn who we are and what the Lord may have for us. Fight for your own personal authenticity. In the words of Dr.Seuss “Today you are you! That is truer than true! There is no one alive who is you-er than you!” If you feel the Lord is calling you to one thing, don’t go down a different path because someone else is telling you to, explore the calling from the Lord.

The last thing I want to encourage you to do this is year is to follow the advice of The Women of Faith and that is to “Build Your Porch.” This means finding 2-5 people who you trust more than anything with ALL of of your stuff. These people are ones who have seen you at your best and at your worst and love you just the same. These should be people whom you feel free to take of whatever mask it is you tend wear and can allow yourself to be vulnerable.

Share your goals with your porch, or put them out there where you will have at least some accountability for the year.

To practice what I preach, here are some of my personal goals for 2016:
1) Spend more time writing and update my blog at least once a month.
2) Be more deliberate about time with my husband and kids.
3) Spend more time with the ladies on my porch.
4) Get my eating and workouts back on track. This includes a 15K in February and hopefully at least 1 more half marathon, along with a couple of 5Ks.

Words of Thanksigving

The past two and a half years have been a crazy roller coaster ride for my little family. I left my full time job back in May of 2013 to come home and be with my kids, which ended up being a major time of adjustments on several fronts for our family. Last year at this time year we were knee deep in the home buying process. Due to the craziness of all of that, I dreaded the upcoming holidays and would rather have hibernated through it all rather than face them. The start of the this year was crazy, but we finally closed on our home in March. Thankfully, things started to calm down for us and have continued in that trend as we have pushed towards the end of this year. I don’t dread the holidays this year. Actually, I am looking forward to the holidays, especially Christmas.

My attitude is different know that it has been the past two years. Several weeks ago I walked outside to take something to the garbage can. As I rounded the back of my van, I looked up and stared at my home. As crazy as it sounds, I was in tears. They were happy tears. I was staring at our home. It wasn’t a rental home, but our home. We finally had a place for our kids to grow up. There was no fear of the phone ringing and being told that we had to move. There is no more wondering what the next year will hold in terms of where we will live.

Now don’t get me wrong. I loved our old house. It was what we needed at the time. We were there for a little over five and half years. All three of our kids came home from the hospital to that house. We celebrated many firsts in the house. The issue was that it wasn’t ours. Someone else had say over how long we could stay. I dreaded October. Any time my husband’s phone rang, I held my breath until I could tell who he was talking to. That was the time of year we had to renew our lease. My anxiety always jumped until things were settled again. I love that a ringing phone no longer brings about dread and anxiety.

My kids have loved our new home from day one. Their favorite place is our backyard. It’s big, flat and beautiful. We have a shed with our kids’ bikes, balls and toys. My kids love to get dressed in the morning and head out the back door. I love that we have a large picture window in our dining room, a glass back door, as well as a window over my kitchen sink. I can keep an eye on my kids playing while I take care of things in the house. The back yard is completely fenced in, so they have the freedom to run and play without us worrying about where they are. My husband has hung their tire swing and climbing rope. They also enjoy blowing bubbles and writing on the back patio with their sidewalk chalk.

Their next favorite place to play is the bay window seat in the living room. We have an oversize pillow up there where they like to lounge, read and play. My kids have also turned the window seat into a stage on several occasions. It’s fun to watch them just sit there and carry on conversations. I can only hope and pray that the window seat sees many more conversations and continues to be a place of bonding for my kids.

I love watching my kids run around the house and the yard. I love listening to them talking about growing up in our home. They have all planned their birthday parties for next year. They have a long list of play dates and sleepovers they have requested with certain friends. At some point we will start making those happen.

My kids are also super excited about Christmas and have been asking for the Christmas tree to be up since about the middle of August. Up until now, I have been able to hold them off. My mother has bought all 3 kiddos new stockings and my hubby and I have new stockings as well. We have spent this past week decorating our tree and pulling out our other decorations. Yes, this is much earlier than I would typically pull out decorations, but I feel like, this year, it’s a celebration of blessings and a time of rest for us.

We have also done most of the shopping for Operation Christmas Child and will be making purchases for a couple of other ministries as well. My kids have a great time shopping for others and I love including them in on these ministry opportunities. It’s been fun knowing that we can truly concentrate others this year, rather than having the underlying uncertainty of what might be.

Inftertility and Miscarriage: I am 1 in 4

October is a bittersweet time of the year for me. While I love the changing of the weather, celebrating my birthday and watching my 3 beautiful, healthy kids run through pumpkin patches, it also brings about a reminder of loss. October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. October 15th is the official day of remembrance for the little ones who never made it to their mama’s arms, the ones who were born sleeping and those sweet women who have struggled to even get pregnant. It’s a day where I am thankful for my healthy blessings, but also a day in which I spend a great deal of time wondering what my 4 angel babies would have looked like and wonder what their personalities would have been like.

There are many things in my life in which I tend to keep private, but I share my story and encourage others to do so, because too many women carry this loss alone. Miscarriages are often the elephants in the room and people don’t know how to respond or react when a couple announces they lost their baby. This path can be lonely. Sometimes it’s because we chose to isolate, or others push us to the outside because they don’t know how act or what to say. Even those times when we chose to socialize, it was/is an Oscar Award winning performance because you put on the happy face and act like your heart hasn’t just been ripped out of you. Sadly, too many people dismiss it all together and don’t validate it as a true loss. I am thankful to have a month where it doesn’t seem to be the most taboo subject.

I can tell you from personal experience that it is a loss and it’s felt in a way that one would never understand unless they had walked that path. There is often a physical pain brought about by the miscarriage. There is also the emotional impact brought about by the loss. The questions of “what did I do wrong?” “What could I have done different so that my baby would still be here?” Many times there is an actual physical ache in the arms caused by the overwhelming desire to hold the child you lost. After 3 miscarriages there were times that my heart and arms hurt in ways that I could never fully put into words and I am willing to bet many other women could say the same thing.

Infertility issues are just as heartbreaking as losing a child to a miscarriage. I don’t see one loss as more significant than the other, just different. You realize that God created a woman’s body to give birth and when your body doesn’t do what you know it was created to do, there is a sense of failure felt. It is hard to be around friends who are pregnant. Infertility issues come with a reality most of us would rather not face.

It took us 6 months to get pregnant the first time and then it ended in miscarriage just before Christmas 06. The 2nd time it only took 4 months for me to get pregnant again, only to lose the baby a week before Mother’s Day 07. It would take another 20 months to get pregnant with my 3rd and I lost that baby in August 07. It would be another 13 months before I would get pregnant with my daughter. We were then surprised to have 3 kids in 3 years. None of the pregnancies were easy, or without issues, but I am thankful to have my 3 blessings.

My last pregnancy would be bittersweet. I had always dreamed of having twins. When we went in for that first ultrasound, I was over the moon to see 2 tiny babies on the screen. My joy lasted for all of a few seconds when I was told that Baby B had no cardiac movement and was measuring a week behind Baby A. After the radiologist looked at the ultrasound, based on the sac, it was determined that I was carrying identical twins, but had lost one due to a chromosomal issue. When I look at my youngest, I often wonder what kind of personality his twin would have had and what it would have been like to have 2 of him running around the house.

The number of pregnancies around you seems to amplify when you are struggling with infertility and loss. It also seems that certain friends only need their husbands to look at them in order to get pregnant. There are also those who don’t really seem to care about their babies, or see them merely as a paycheck and are pregnant with their 3rd or 4th. There is much about life that seems unfair when you are walking this path. While we walked through this journey early on in our marriage, I stopped going to church on Mother’s Day, Father’s Day and when I knew there was going to be a baby dedication. It wasn’t that I wasn’t happy for my friends, or that I didn’t want to celebrate my own mother (my father had already passed at this point), it was just too hard to be around all those happy parents.

There were many nights where I cried myself to sleep and attempted to keep my husband from hearing me. Even in the best of marriages, a wall can go up between husbands and wives. The desire to get pregnant is so strong and when you are charting, your husband starts feel like a tool, rather than a husband. My husband will tell you that he wasn’t happy during that time in our marriage. He felt the need to “perform” and there didn’t seem to be anything more than a physical connection that was devoid of any true feelings. The flip side of that coin is that you can become afraid of being intimate, therefore cutting off your spouse all together and there really isn’t much middle ground. I don’t think many people realize the toll that infertility and miscarriage can take on marriage, or how long it takes to reconnect after going through the pain and the losses.

Your faith can take a hit during this time. I wish I could say that my faith never wavered, but I would be lying. There were days that I was so angry with the Lord because I didn’t have my little ones at home with me. There were times I yelled at the Lord. It was a struggle to read my Bible and to pray. I didn’t like going to church and being around all those “happy” people, who didn’t seem to struggle with their faith. After losing my 2nd baby just before Mother’s Day 07, I stopped going to church for most of that summer. Here I was, a seminary student, and all I was doing was going through the motions at school and at work. I could still give all the “right” faith answers, but I didn’t feel any of it. I felt like I was being punished for something I didn’t know anything about. Mamas, the Lord CAN take it. He knows your heart. He knows you’re hurting. Talk to Him. He is the only One who can give you peace. I would also encourage you to not allow yourself to stay in that place. It is much easier than said when you are in the middle of it,

While you are dealing with heartache of loss, you also have to endure some well meaning, but stupid things being said to you. For example I heard “It’s the Lord’s will,” or “You are still young, it will happen.” “You need to stop trying so hard,” or “If you would only do ______, not do ______ then you will get pregnant.” The ones that hurt the most were “You were only 5/6/8 weeks along, it wasn’t really a baby. Why are you so upset?” There were also many “You will get pregnant when God is ready for you to get pregnant.” Ladies, can I get an “Amen” on how much these comments make/ made you want to scream?

There is nothing about any of those comments that are anywhere near comforting. 1) Yes, it was a REAL baby and my child you are talking about. 2) I know God has a plan for everyone, but this path really just sucks. 3) You can’t guarantee that the Lord is going to allow anyone to get pregnant, let alone carry to term. Please STOP saying it. 4) Stop saying “You can always adopt.” Really, it isn’t that easy. There is nothing easy about the adoption process and your heart has to be in the right place to even begin to start thinking about that process. I have wonderful friends who have grown their beautiful families through adoption, but it isn’t the answer for every couple. Adoption shouldn’t be viewed as settling or plan B. This could be a whole other blog post and should be written by a mama who grew their beautiful family through adoption.

If you are reading this and haven’t walked this path, watch the comments. Don’t give platitudes to try and make your friends feel better. Instead say “I’m sorry and I’m praying for you.” Offer your presence and not your words. Let your friends cry on your shoulders. Be there. Words aren’t necessary. Be conscientious about what you say in front of those friends. I am not saying to walk on egg shells, but be mindful and respectful of what they are going through.

If you are reading this and have walked, or are walking this path, my heart and prayers go out to you. This isn’t a journey I would wish on my worst enemy. If you are like me and have walked this path, but are now a parent to a beautiful child(ren), hug them a little tighter today and let them know how much you love them. Tell them what miracles they are and how you prayed for them. If you are still walking this path, hold on. There is nothing easy about walking this journey, but don’t ever let go of your faith.

Daring to Dream

What would you do if you had no hurdles, no restrictions of any kind to prevent you from accomplishing your biggest dream? Can you even allow yourself to dream that big? Can you even admit what that dream may be? What does it looks like? What is stopping you? What hurdles do you really have and what hurdles are self-imposed?

While you are thinking about that, I will share mine. Yesterday, my business cards came in. Yes, I have business cards and I don’t work for any company. I have a dream of working for myself and now I have something to give people when I talk about what it is that I want to do. My ultimate dream is to speak to women’s groups at conferences and retreats, write a book and do some freelance work in between speaking engagements.

When I graduated with my master’s degree in December 2006, I had no true desire to sit in a traditional therapist’s office and see clients. I did hope to have LPC behind my name, but I don’t know that I will see that happen any time soon, or if I will even continue to pursue that. While I will never be a Beth Moore or Jen Hatmaker, I do hope to have a positive, Kingdom impact on women I come into contact with.

My fears:
1) Failure. Yes, I am terrified of failing before I even start. I have started to take steps forward so many times and then allowed fear to stop me.
2) Time. Will I lose precious time with my husband and kids? Will I be able to balance writing and maintain a strong relationship with my family? The answer is yes, I can do what I love and still have strong family bonds. It’s been an excuse to not move forward.
3) Will I have a positive impact on those I meet?
4) Will I be transparent enough to let women in and allow them to see what’s below the surface, while leading them to be transparent with each other, in order to move forward with their lives?

My Goals:
1) To encourage women to be open and authentic. Spending our entire lives behind a mask is not living. Most women have two separate personalities. There is the one that people around them see and the other is who they are when they are alone. The two personalities should be one and there is freedom when not trying to keep them separate.
2) To encourage women to build strong relationships with one another and build a strong inner circle. Women spend too much time in competition with others, rather than looking to encourage and build each other up. We need close female relationships and to do this, the competition must stop.
3) To encourage women to be healthy in all areas of their lives. Health is more than just a number on a scale. Physical health is only part of over all health. Growing in other areas of life such as spiritual, relationships with others and knowledge are also important.
4) To encourage women to reach for their goals. Too many women spend more time doubting themselves and comparing themselves to other women, never taking the first step in accomplishing their dreams. It is possible to be a wife and mother and have dreams. One role doesn’t mean that we have sacrifice another.
5) Above all, encourage women to develop closer relationships with Christ. In Him there is freedom, peace and rest. Women spend so much time trying to keep up with others, keep impossible schedules and feeling like they have to be perfect that they don’t take the time to truly rest in Christ and find their identity and peace in Him.

I have had several people in my life tell me that I need to write a book. I thought it would be a semi-easy process, but yeah, let’s just say it’s going to be a long and slow process. At this point I have an introduction and nothing else. If I could attach electrodes to my head while I was running to a machine that could actually read my mind the whole book would probably be written at this point. I love the things that come to me while on the trail, I just hate that when I sit to write the thoughts don’t quite come together like they do on the trail. Maybe, I need to take my laptop to the little pavilion by the pond and see if the thoughts will flow while sitting there. I have tried to give myself a deadline of 18 months to 2 years to complete it.

No, I don’t have a clue as to how any of this is going to work, but I can only hope and pray to the Lord that He already has everything worked out. I am daring to believe that my dreams can come true. I am daring to believe that the Lord can use me to reach other women. I encourage you to do the same!

Gluttony, Sin or Stumbling Block?

Before I begin this post, I want to acknowledge 2 things:
1) Yes, there are medical reasons and injuries that cause people to be overweight. There are also many medications that cause people to put on weight and it’s almost next to impossible to lose that weight.

2) Yes, there are people who suffer from eating disorders and food addiction. These issues are a whole other story and post all together. Many people who deal with either one of these issues have events in their lives that have caused them to have negative coping skills and only a therapist can get to the heart of these issues.

If you fall into one of the above 2 categories, this post is not directed at you. No, I don’t believe that either one are sin issues, but the result of biological issues, a traumatic event or a mental health issue. I will be the first to admit that I don’t have it all together and I am not even close to perfect when it comes to this issue.

To answer the original question in the title, yes, gluttony is both a sin and a stumbling block. The funny thing is in all of my years growing up in church I have never once heard a single sermon on gluttony. I have heard multiple sermons on the dangers of drinking and getting caught up in other addictions. There have been sermons on greed, coveting neighbor’s stuff, pride, lust and other things Christians shouldn’t do, but never on gluttony.

When I think back to my childhood and the wonderful church I grew up in, I can picture and almost smell the amazing food sitting on the long tables up the center aisle of the fellowship hall. I can also picture the slightly shorter table that was pushed up against the platform that held all sorts of delicious desserts that were sweet enough to send almost anyone into a diabetic coma. I am talking about good southern down home food cooked by true southern women. Food seemed to be at the heart of all church fellowships and I loved those Sunday afternoons and Wednesday nights. In the few other churches I have been a part of since then, food seems to be a uniting factor and at the heart of most fellowships.

The majority of people in our churches today are slightly overweight to morbidly obese and everything in between. There are very few truly healthy people sitting our pews. Our churches and society use food as the center of most of our activities. Don’t get me wrong, we all need to eat and enjoying a good meal with our favorite foods every now and then is not a bad thing. It only becomes wrong when we choose to over indulge.

How often do we choose to eat a bacon, Swiss and mushroom burger with fries or a nice juicy rib-eye steak with a fully loaded baked potato on the side over grilled chicken and veggies? How often do we try to justify our “need” for Godiva Cheesecake, Oreos, dark chocolate M&Ms or sour patch kids? When going for a snack, how often do we go for the Doritos and a large glass of sweet tea over grapes and a glass of water? Yes, these are my weaknesses, but we all have them. We tell ourselves “We deserve it.” It’s been a crappy day.” “I am in a foul mood.” “I am happy because _______.” “I am celebrating ___________.” We never seem to run out of excuses. Honestly, I am an emotional eater. If I am happy, sad, angry, frustrated, food is the answer. Typically, that answer is some form of chocolate.

We are quick to judge someone for having a glass of wine, but refuse to acknowledge when someone is making unhealthy choices and neglecting their health. When I have heard sermons/ teachings on our bodies being “the temple of God,” they have only been in reference to drinking or having sex outside of marriage. We don’t talk about it in reference to eating healthy and exercising. The reason? That sermon/ teaching would step on too many toes and would make too many people angry. It seems to be easier to preach and/or teach on the “big” sins, but we are going to ignore a major problem within our churches. Gluttony does appear to be on the list of “tolerable sins” or a sin that we can pretty much ignore and sweep under the rug. Reality is, there is no such thing as a “big” or “little” sin. In the eyes of the Lord they are all sins. Reality is, we are only given one body. We can choose to honor the Lord with it or we can choose mistreat and abuse it.

Now, let’s explore gluttony as a stumbling block. I have read many posts on Facebook, heard several sermons/ teachings about why Christians shouldn’t drink and how having a glass of wine or a beer can cause anyone who sees us to stumble. This post has nothing to do with whether or not I think it is acceptable for Christians to drink, but I think we choose to overlook how our food choices could also cause another to stumble. No, I don’t feel that we are responsible for the choices of those around us, but there are times when even perceived peer pressure may influence the choices we make.

When I go out with certain friends I know this group will more than likely order water to drink and will go for salads or something that has been baked or broiled. Another group of friends may choose to indulge in foods which are fattier and higher in calories. Many times, I will order along the lines of my friends and I would be willing to bet that many other people do the same.

When we choose to put food at the center of all that we do, we are in a way enabling others in the group. Most of us would never know if a person in that group is struggling with an eating disorder or food addiction because it’s just not something people go around talking about and letting others know before a gathering. In the same way we never know who may be more susceptible or struggling with an addiction to alcohol, we also don’t know whose main struggle is food.

As churches and small groups plan their events and outings, it would be crazy to think that we could ignore food all together. It would also be crazy to expect all fellowships to serve only grilled or broiled meats and veggies or to bypass desserts all together. When planning these events and outings make sure there are healthy options.

You don’t have give up and throw out all delicious treats and give up chocolate all together. You don’t have to go the rest of your life without ever eating another burger with fries ever again. You also don’t have to take up working out like a crazy person and running full marathons. Choose wisely and eat fresh fruits and veggies most of the time. Choose to start walking for at least 30 minutes, twice a week.

This isn’t an all or nothing life style. Honestly, I couldn’t do it and I won’t do it. I also won’t encourage anyone else to do it. I love my chocolate. Start small and make changes you can realistically make. As you feel confident in those changes, decide what your next move should be. I will also strongly encourage you to find at least 2-3 friends who stand by you and encourage you in this process. You can’t do it alone. Yep, attempting to do it by yourself can be considered prideful. Don’t let addressing one sin cause you to commit another one.

If you have questions about how you are eating or what your exercise routine should look like, please consult your doctor first and then, if needed, consult a personal trainer. You only have one body and it’s up to you on how you choose to use it in this life. We have to wait until the other side of heaven to receive our new and perfect bodies.