Ok, so this blog post almost 2 weeks after the fact, but something we can take into consideration with our husbands moving forward.
My husband and I will celebrate 13 years of marriage this coming June. While I don’t claim to be a marriage expert, there are a few things I have learned along the way. One thing I’ve learned is that many arguments could be avoided all together if you will just communicate. It’s not fair to set our husbands up for failure. I am willing to bet the majority of our husband are outstanding, incredible men and they deserve to be treated as such. Please communicate your expectations to them and set them up for success.
My husband and I don’t do huge things for Valentines Day. My mother always gives us a gift card to Maggiano’s at Christmas and we hold on to this gift card specifically for Valentines Day. When it comes to gifts, we only do smaller things. In all honesty, this is how our Valentines conversation went:
Me: What do you want for Valentines Day?
Hubby: Coffee. What do you want?
Hubby: Deal. You give me coffee and I’ll give you books.
Yes, it really was the easy. This is pretty much how that conversation goes every year. We also keep small things on an Amazon wish list, so we have other options as well. That was pretty much how it went. I gave him a box of Keurig Starbucks Coffee and a bag of chocolate covered cashews. He gave me a Kindle Gift Card. It was win win for us. Simple, but spoke to things we both like.
It seems like after every holiday, whether big or small I see a common theme on my social media pages. Too many ladies complaining because their husbands didn’t get them what they wanted. Many times I see the phrase “He should have known.” Again I ask, how can they know if you don’t tell them? How about communicating with your husband and then bragging on him, instead of finding fault and then bashing him on social media.
I will be honest and share I am completely and totally spoiled. My husband washes dishes and he is the one who cleans the bathrooms. He also fixes the kids’ lunches and takes them to school every morning. I am blessed with a husband who does more than his fair share of chores around the house and is hands on with our kids. I don’t feel like I am left to handle the kids and the house on my own.
Some of this is because it’s just a part of his personality and who he is. When it comes to his love language, the way he shows loves is by acts of service. The kids and I see this on a daily basis. Those who know my husband well, also witness this on a regular basis. The other part of this is I am not afraid to look at him and ask for help with something. If you know me well, you know I stink at asking for help or letting others do anything for me, BUT I have learned how to do this with my husband. We aren’t perfect and there are times when we both slip and have to have a conversation about getting the house back in order.
Communication is where many marriages struggle and it’s a cause of marriages falling apart. If you really look at the things you and your spouse fight about, it boils down to unmet expectations. It’s not an intentional act on either side, but when we don’t communicate what we want or what we need, the expectation can’t be met.
When I was in seminary working towards my masters degree, I was sitting in a pre-marital class and I will never forget the story Dr. Floyd told. I will tell it in a paraphrase because it’s been longer than I care to admit since I sat in his class.
A man and women got married. Most of the time the wife kept orange juice in the refrigerator because she knew her husband liked it. One day they ran out of orange juice. When the wife did the weekly grocery shopping, she forgot to pick up orange juice. That evening her husband came home and was upset because there was no orange juice in the refrigerator. He and his wife had a huge fight over orange juice. When they started talking, it turned out it wasn’t about orange juice at all. It was about unmet expectations. As a child, the husband’s mother always kept orange juice in the refrigerator. His wife’s “failure” to keep orange juice in the refrigerator was a sign, to him, the wife didn’t care. In the wife’s childhood home, things she wanted were seldom available. She didn’t see it as a big deal because it wasn’t a big deal in her home. Both of them had to take a step back and see the situation from the other person’s side.
How many times do we have “orange juice” situations in our own marriage? Communication didn’t happen and therefore expectations weren’t met. There are times when communication is difficult, but necessary. Don’t be afraid of the hard conversations. Don’t fail to communicate with your spouse and then say “Well, they should have known.” Our husbands are not Creskin, nor do they possess Creskin like abilities. We are the same. If you have a need, please let each other know. It won’t solve all arguments you have in your marriage, but it will go a long way to decrease the number of arguments you have.