Men are not Creskin


Ok, so this blog post almost 2 weeks after the fact, but something we can take into consideration with our husbands moving forward.

My husband and I will celebrate 13 years of marriage this coming June. While I don’t claim to be a marriage expert, there are a few things I have learned along the way. One thing I’ve learned is that many arguments could be avoided all together if you will just communicate. It’s not fair to set our husbands up for failure. I am willing to bet the majority of our husband are outstanding, incredible men and they deserve to be treated as such.  Please communicate your expectations to them and set them up for success.

My husband and I don’t do huge things for Valentines Day. My mother always gives us a gift card to Maggiano’s at Christmas and we hold on to this gift card specifically for Valentines Day. When it comes to gifts, we only do smaller things. In all honesty, this is how our Valentines conversation went:

Me: What do you want for Valentines Day?
Hubby: Coffee. What do you want?
Me: Books.
Hubby: Deal. You give me coffee and I’ll give you books.

Yes, it really was the easy. This is pretty much how that conversation goes every year. We also keep small things on an Amazon wish list, so we have other options as well. That was pretty much how it went. I gave him a box of Keurig Starbucks Coffee and a bag of chocolate covered cashews. He gave me a Kindle Gift Card. It was win win for us. Simple, but spoke to things we both like.

It seems like after every holiday, whether big or small I see a common theme on my social media pages. Too many ladies complaining because their husbands didn’t get them what they wanted. Many times I see the phrase “He should have known.” Again I ask, how can they know if you don’t tell them? How about communicating with your husband and then bragging on him, instead of finding fault and then bashing him on social media.

I will be honest and share I am completely and totally spoiled. My husband washes dishes and he is the one who cleans the bathrooms. He also fixes the kids’ lunches and takes them to school every morning. I am blessed with a husband who does more than his fair share of chores around the house and is hands on with our kids. I don’t feel like I am left to handle the kids and the house on my own.

Some of this is because it’s just a part of his personality and who he is. When it comes to his love language, the way he shows loves is by acts of service. The kids and I see this on a daily basis. Those who know my husband well, also witness this on a regular basis. The other part of this is I am not afraid to look at him and ask for help with something. If you know me well, you know I stink at asking for help or letting others do anything for me, BUT I have learned how to do this with my husband. We aren’t perfect and there are times when we both slip and have to have a conversation about getting the house back in order.

Communication is where many marriages struggle and it’s a cause of marriages falling apart. If you really look at the things you and your spouse fight about, it boils down to unmet expectations. It’s not an intentional act on either side, but when we don’t communicate what we want or what we need, the expectation can’t be met.

When I was in seminary working towards my masters degree, I was sitting in a pre-marital class and I will never forget the story Dr. Floyd told. I will tell it in a paraphrase because it’s been longer than I care to admit since I sat in his class.

A man and women got married. Most of the time the wife kept orange juice in the refrigerator because she knew her husband liked it. One day they ran out of orange juice. When the wife did the weekly grocery shopping, she forgot to pick up orange juice. That evening her husband came home and was upset because there was no orange juice in the refrigerator. He and his wife had a huge fight over orange juice. When they started talking, it turned out it wasn’t about orange juice at all. It was about unmet expectations. As a child, the husband’s mother always kept orange juice in the refrigerator. His wife’s “failure” to keep orange juice in the refrigerator was a sign, to him, the wife didn’t care. In the wife’s childhood home, things she wanted were seldom available. She didn’t see it as a big deal because it wasn’t a big deal in her home. Both of them had to take a step back and see the situation from the other person’s side.

How many times do we have “orange juice” situations in our own marriage? Communication didn’t happen and therefore expectations weren’t met. There are times when communication is difficult, but necessary. Don’t be afraid of the hard conversations. Don’t fail to communicate with your spouse and then say “Well, they should have known.” Our husbands are not Creskin, nor do they possess Creskin like abilities. We are the same. If you have a need, please let each other know. It won’t solve all arguments you have in your marriage, but it will go a long way to decrease the number of arguments you have.


To Be or Not To Be a Lady?


Before anyone decides to lynch me for this post, let me tell you a little bit about myself. People who have known me my entire life will tell you it’s all true. I am a Tomboy. I am a bluejeans, t-shirt and tennis shoes/ flip flop kind of girl. I’d rather be camping, hiking, or out on the water than in a mall shopping. I can’t stand wearing make-up, but will wear it only when the situation absolutely calls for it, maybe. I don’t enjoy wearing dresses and there is not a single pair of heels to be found in my closet.

I also support and encourage girls and ladies to excel in all areas. The valedictorian and co-valedictorian of my high school graduating class were females. My undergrad degree is from a Southern Baptist all women’s college, where I spent four years surrounded by intelligent and driven ladies. Several of them have gone on to excel in their areas of expertise. At SWBTS I had the privilege of serving as secretary, vice-president and president of the largest student organization on campus. I believe it’s possible for ladies to lead and be the top in their fields.

Now that I have cleared that part up, let’s explore my frustration with a growing trend I have seen on social media and on television. When did we decide that being treated and acting like a lady was degrading to our gender? When did we decide that men holding doors open for us, picking up the tab, leading on the dance floor, or even fixing things for us was bad? When did we as a society decide that men were another mountain to  be conquered?

Yes I have a strong personality and am extremely independent, BUT, and this is a huge but, I LOVE it when my husband does certain things for me. I love it when he opens doors for me. I love it when he kisses me on top of the forehead. I love it when there is an issue with our home, or one of our cars and he takes care of it. He doesn’t do these things because I am incapable of doing them. He does it out of respect for me. He doesn’t view me as weak, or dumb. He does it because he loves me and wants me to feel every bit a lady.

While I think we have come a long way in women’s rights, I think we have tried to overstep what that really means. We should have the right to vote. We should have the right to an education. We should have the right to excel at work. Granted, pay equality still needs some work. I don’t think we should push until we have turned men into the weaker sex. I don’t think we should push men out of their Biblical roles.

Eve was created out of the rib of Adam to be his helpmate. Adam was still created to lead. We are wired differently than men and I fail to see where that is a bad thing. In spite of my independent personality, I LOVE it when my husband takes the lead. I love knowing that I have a husband who isn’t afraid to lead and to wear the pants in our marriage.

I will raise my daughter to be strong and independent. I will encourage her to do her best in whatever field of study she lands. I will also encourage her to find a man much like her daddy. I will raise my daughter to know how to take care of certain things, but at the same time teach her that it’s ok if her future husband takes care of it for her. I want her to know what it means to be a helpmate for her husband and what working along side him means. I by no means expect my daughter to be barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen.

My boys already hear me say “be a gentleman.” My boys are being taught to open doors for ladies and to to watch our for and protect the girls around them. I will also teach them that it’s ok for girls to be smart and independent. I pray the girls they marry are strong and independent. I also pray those girls will allow my boys to lead their homes.

My husband and I function as a team. I have a voice in what happens inside of our home, including finances. Most of the time we will come to an agreement on how to handle things. This doesn’t mean that I will get my way, or that he will get his. Many times it’s a compromise of what we both want. There have been a handful of times in our almost 11 year marriage that we have disagreed and he has done what he felt was best for our family. Most of the time, that’s worked out well. There have been a couple of times where he has come back and said he wished he had listened to me. Regardless of what happens, my husband is still the head of our home. By allowing him to be the head, we are following the Lord’s guidelines for marriage and it means that I am the lady of the house, rather than the one wearing the metaphorical pants.

Being a lady doesn’t mean being dumb or being unable to do anything for ourselves. It means allowing the men in our lives to fulfill the roles they were given. By my husband taking care of certain things, it allows me to focus on our kids and our home. It even frees me up to write and to pursue my dreams.