Men Are Not Creskin

OK, so this blog post almost 2 weeks after the fact, but something we can take into consideration with our husbands moving forward.

My husband and I will celebrate 13 years of marriage this coming June. While I don’t claim to be a marriage expert, there are a few things I have learned along the way. One thing I’ve learned is that many arguments could be avoided all together if you will just communicate. It’s not fair to set our husbands up for failure. I am willing to bet the majority of our husband are outstanding, incredible men and they deserve to be treated as such. Please communicate your expectations to them and set them up for success.

My husband and I don’t do huge things for Valentines Day. My mother always gives us a gift card to Maggiano’s at Christmas and we hold on to this gift card specifically for Valentines Day. When it comes to gifts, we only do smaller things. In all honesty, this is how our Valentines conversation went:

Me: What do you want for Valentines Day?
Hubby: Coffee. What do you want?
Me: Books.
Hubby: Deal. You give me coffee and I’ll give you books.

Yes, it really was the easy. This is pretty much how that conversation goes every year. We also keep small things on an Amazon wish list, so we have other options as well. That was pretty much how it went. I gave him a box of Keurig Starbucks Coffee and a bag of chocolate covered cashews. He gave me a Kindle Gift Card. It was win win for us. Simple, but spoke to things we both like.

It seems like after every holiday, whether big or small I see a common theme on my social media pages. Too many ladies complaining because their husbands didn’t get them what they wanted. Many times I see the phrase “He should have known.” Again I ask, how can they know if you don’t tell them? How about communicating with your husband and then bragging on him, instead of finding fault and then bashing him on social media.

I will be honest and share I am completely and totally spoiled. My husband washes dishes and he is the one who cleans the bathrooms. He also fixes the kids’ lunches and takes them to school every morning. I am blessed with a husband who does more than his fair share of chores around the house and is hands on with our kids. I don’t feel like I am left to handle the kids and the house on my own.

Some of this is because it’s just a part of his personality and who he is. When it comes to his love language, the way he shows loves is by acts of service. The kids and I see this on a daily basis. Those who know my husband well, also witness this on a regular basis. The other part of this is I am not afraid to look at him and ask for help with something. If you know me well, you know I stink at asking for help or letting others do anything for me, BUT I have learned how to do this with my husband. We aren’t perfect and there are times when we both slip and have to have a conversation about getting the house back in order.

Communication is where many marriages struggle and it’s a cause of marriages falling apart. If you really look at the things you and your spouse fight about, it boils down to unmet expectations. It’s not an intentional act on either side, but when we don’t communicate what we want or what we need, the expectation can’t be met.

When I was in seminary working towards my masters degree, I was sitting in a pre-marital class and I will never forget the story Dr. Floyd told. I will tell it in a paraphrase because it’s been longer than I care to admit since I sat in his class.

A man and women got married. Most of the time the wife kept orange juice in the refrigerator because she knew her husband liked it. One day they ran out of orange juice. When the wife did the weekly grocery shopping, she forgot to pick up orange juice. That evening her husband came home and was upset because there was no orange juice in the refrigerator. He and his wife had a huge fight over orange juice. When they started talking, it turned out it wasn’t about orange juice at all. It was about unmet expectations. As a child, the husband’s mother always kept orange juice in the refrigerator. His wife’s “failure” to keep orange juice in the refrigerator was a sign, to him, the wife didn’t care. In the wife’s childhood home, things she wanted were seldom available. She didn’t see it as a big deal because it wasn’t a big deal in her home. Both of them had to take a step back and see the situation from the other person’s side.

How many times do we have “orange juice” situations in our own marriage? Communication didn’t happen and therefore expectations weren’t met. There are times when communication is difficult, but necessary. Don’t be afraid of the hard conversations. Don’t fail to communicate with your spouse and then say “Well, they should have known.” Our husbands are not Creskin, nor do they possess Creskin like abilities. We are the same. If you have a need, please let each other know. It won’t solve all arguments you have in your marriage, but it will go a long way to decrease the number of arguments you have.

All Over the Place

It has been long, hard several months. My brain and emotions have been all over the place. This post may end up all over the place before all is said and done. Let me start by saying that cancer SUCKS!!!! In 3 circles I belong to, 4 ladies have been taken by cancer in the past 3 months. Me being who I am have stuffed the emotions and attempted to pretend I’m ok and not hurting, but the last death brought the emotions and the tears. Cancer is a thief. It takes people before we are ready for them to go. Yes, I could get all spiritual and give the trite response of “Because they had a relationship with Christ, I know I will see them on the other side of eternity and they are whole, healed and in the arms of our Savior.” While I know that to be true, I am hurting and even angry. Last night I had the privilege of getting to see Jen Hatmaker on the Moxie Matters Tour. My favorite line of the night was “It’s not bad Christian PR to admit that you’re hurting.” AMEN and AMEN!!! She gave us permission to hurt and feel all the feelings.

Let me back up and give a little more context to this painful story. Last June my MIL was diagnosed with Bile Duct Cancer. Later Liver Cancer would be added. Cancer would take her the Sunday, the week of Thanksgiving. In my group #the4500, cancer would take 2 of our members, one in November and then one last week. Lexi and Carrie were well loved and are missed by our crew. The day before my MIL’s funeral a friend from another group underwent emergency surgery where bleeding on the brain and lesions were discovered. The following week, Lea Anne would share she was battling stage 4 Malignant Melanoma. Yes, brain cancer. She fought like a warrior. At the beginning of last week she underwent another major surgery. By Saturday night her husband announced she had been placed in hospice and not given much time. Tuesday morning I awoke to the news she had stepped into the arms of her Savior.

My heart aches at all of the loss. I know my own personal feelings are a drop in the bucket to those closest to these ladies. My MIL left behind a daughter, 3 sons, 3 daughters-in-law, a son-in-law, 12 grandchildren, 2 great grandchildren with the 3rd great grandchild due this spring. Lexi and Carrie each left behind a husband and 3 sons. Lea Anne left behind her husband, 3 sons and a daughter. They all left behind a large number of friends.

While my MIL had lived to see 75 years, she still had plenty of life left in her. The other 3 were late 30s/ early 40s, so way too soon for anyone to have to say “goodbye.” All of the children, young and old, still want their mothers/ grandmother around. The 3 husbands definitely wanted to grow old with their wives. It’s not fair any of them had to leave when they did. When I think about all of the life experiences these ladies will miss out on and the life experiences the husbands and kids will experience without these ladies it’s heartbreaking. Did I mention it’s not fair. I know life’s not fair, but these losses take it to a whole new level of unfairness.

I don’t share any of this for pity, but for people to realize that we as Christians feel the same emotions as everyone else. We do have our faith, but the pain isn’t any less for us. We still ask the Lord “Why” and you know what? The Lord can take it!!! Yes, we can cry out to Him when we’re hurting. We don’t have to pretend we are fine when we pray. Plus He already knows how we’re feeling, so there’s no use putting on a mask with Him.

I think many of us are open in our prayers when we’re hurting, but we don’t let others in. The Lord gives us spouses, siblings, close friends to be His hands and arms here on earth. My husband and a couple of friends have seen the tears, but I tend to hide the tears and the pain from others. While I don’t think we need to think we need to share with every single person we interact with on a daily basis what we are walking, we do need to have the strength and the vulnerability to let our Tribe in. I have been blessed with an incredible Tribe. I don’t share the way I should, but I’m working on it.

We also need to let those around us know how much we love and appreciate them. My former pastor, Bro. Jerry, used to say “There is nothing so certain as death and nothing so uncertain as the time.” We never know when it the Lord will call us or someone we love home. Last night on the way home from the Moxie Matters Tour event I told one of dearest friends what I appreciated about her. I make sure my husband and children hear on a daily basis how much I love them. I stink at letting others know how much I appreciate them and how I feel about them. I need to be better about this.

The other thing when looking at the 3 younger ladies who passed is that I need to step out and work to accomplish my goals. I have spent too much time timid and afraid. I know the Lord has called me to do a couple of thing and it’s time to take those steps of faith and go for it.

I’ve also realized how much time I have spent wearing a mask and hiding behind walls. Masks and walls are safe. You see, you can be safe and no one can hurt you when you have your masks and walls. It’s really quite lonely. The safety is only imagined. The words to the song “This is Me” from “The Greatest Showman” have played over and over again in my head:

“When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I’m meant to be, this is me
Look out ’cause here I come
And I’m marching on to the beat I drum
I’m not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me.”

Because I have spent so many years with my mask tightly adhered to my face as well as kept my walls thick and high, it will be a process to figure out who I am without them. I am sure as the year progresses there will a blogpost or two on this topic.

If you have made it this far, thank you for letting me chase a few rabbits and get some feelings written out. The grief process is not quick. It is not a straight line. It’s all over the place. You go back and forth between the stages. I am sure as I walk through this process more tears will fall. I am not a perfect Christian. I am flawed. In spite of what most people think my emotions are large and I feel them with everything in me, even though most people around me never realize it. I could write a whole other post on my personality type and it “might” help people who have to deal with others with a similar personality.

Anyway, if you are walking a similar road please know you are not alone. Please reach out to your tribe. If you don’t have a tribe to reach out to, please start building that tribe. In the meantime, please feel free to reach out to me.

Princess is Not a Dirty Word

Before I get into the post, please know this is coming from a self-proclaimed Tomboy. I am happier camping, hiking and swimming out at the lake than I am at a spa or the mall. I am a blue jeans, t-shirt, tennis shoes/ flip flops kind of girl. The only truly girly things about me are my love of dance and my slight obsession with all things Vera Bradley.

As I have read through social media here in the past couple of weeks, I have noticed a trend that’s a little disturbing to me. Many of the posts start with “Please don’t call my daughter a princess” or “Please don’t call my daughter beautiful or cute.” There was one article posted about why a mother didn’t want her daughter to be referred to as “Daddy’s Little Princess.” I don’t get it. Mama bear has come out. When did being a girly girl become something so un PC and something we deemed as bad or detrimental to our little girls?

I am the proud mother of a little girl who is 100% girly. She loves all things pink, shiny and sparkly. More than that, she is 100% Daddy’s Little Princess. You know what? I LOVE IT!!! Growing up I was not close to my father. I was never Daddy’s Little Princess or a daddy’s girl. I was often referred to as “The Major’s Daughter.” My siblings and I were more of Daddy’s Little Soldiers than anything else. This isn’t to say he didn’t love us in his own way, but he was never overly affectionate toward us. I LOVE that my husband and my daughter have that special relationship. My heart melts when I watch the two of them together. I pray it continues throughout their lives.

I don’t see this as a negative where my daughter is concerned. Her room is painted pink. Her bedspread is white with Eiffel Towers, pink hearts and little puppies all over it. She has posters and pictures of Paris all over her walls. If you open her closet and dresser, you will find the whole spectrum of pinks. You will find sequins, ruffles, glitter and all sorts of sparkles on her clothes. Her shoes have a pinkish rainbow on them. She has a bow board overflowing with bows. In the the bathroom, you will find a collection of colorful barrettes, hair ties and headbands. Her backpack is pink, with unicorns and rainbows. She is not a fan of sweat, but will slightly tolerate it in gymnastics.

My daughter and I are the same in some areas and then polar opposites in others. When she looks at me and asks to go get a mani or pedi, I don’t always know how to react. I’ve had 2 manis in my life. The first was for my wedding. The 2nd was for one of my best friend’s 40th birthday. It’s not something even close to being on my radar. My daughter is just shy of 9 and has been into fashion design since she was the ripe old age of 5. She has several fashion design books and is constantly drawing dresses and outfits on blank paper she finds. My daughter also has a love of baking. While my husband and I have yet to turn her loose in the kitchen without supervision, she is learning her way around and I love the confidence I see when see gets to help cook and bake. Depending on what day you catch her, she will tell you she either wants to be a fashion designer or open her own bakery when she grows up. Again, I absolutely LOVE this about my daughter.

I don’t see any of the things I have listed above about my daughter things that need to change. I don’t see how, by allowing to nurture these things in her, that we are raising a terrible human being. You see, on top of all of this my daughter is an honor roll student. Did I mention she is a straight A student in math? Yep, another trait she did not inherit from me. I wish my grandfather would have lived to meet her because he would be thrilled to see a grandchild who can crunch numbers like he did. He was CFO of Butler Paper before he retired. My husband also excels in the area of math and business.

My daughter is also kind and generous. I have had several parents tell me how much they appreciate the way my daughter has welcomed their child into the classroom and befriended them to help them feel comfortable in a new setting. My daughter is a child who other children trust. They know my daughter is a loyal friend. My daughter is also generous. When we go shopping for Operation Christmas Child and Gifting Tree, she would buy out Wal-Mart and Target if we would let her. If she knows of other needs, she desires to meet them. You see you can be a princess who loves all things pink and sparkly AND be kind, generous and intelligent. It’s a both/ and, not either/ or.

While this has been a post about little girls, I will throw in that I am a boymom as well. I have 2 little boys who we are training to be true, southern gentleman. My boys are 100% boy. They are rough and tumble and are happier outside playing with their basketballs, footballs and trucks, in the dirt than they are inside coloring. They are the total opposite of my daughter. My boys are being raised to hold doors open for ladies. They are being taught if a gentleman is present, a lady should never have to open her own door. Is the lady capable of opening her own door? Yes. Does that mean she should? No, it doesn’t. I love having sons who love being boys, just as I love having a daughter who embraces being a girly girl with all her heart.

The other part of this is that we have taught my daughter and my sons once they accept Christ as their savior, they not only have an earthly father, but they will have a heavenly Father who also happens to be The King of Kings. This means they will have an eternal, Royal inheritance. My daughter is coming close to making the personal decision to follow Christ. I pray she embraces being a child of The One True King with every fiber of her being and know that she will always and forever be a princess in the eyes of our Lord.

I think we as women have pushed for equality for so long that we have unintentionally sent the message to our daughters, nieces and little girls in our lives that being a girl is something to be ashamed of. By being a girl, especially one who embraces it, that they can’t and/or won’t be respected. Society says “Put your daughters in gender neutral clothes.” “Give your daughter toys that would be traditionally meant for boys.” “Put away the pink, the sparkles and the bling because only then can you earn a place in society.” I will give you an emphatic “NO” to all of this. As long as my daughter wants her pink and her sparkles and I will continue to let her have them. I will not teach her to “tone the girly girl.” I love her the way she is and the way the Lord created her. So please, do tell my daughter she is beautiful. Please tell her she is a princess. Definitely please remind her that she not only has an earthly father who loves her to pieces, she has a Heavenly Father who thought she was to die for.

Again, Princess is NOT a dirty word!!!!!

Word of the Year

It’s January, so of course the long list of “I want to accomplish _________; My new year’s resolution is __________” is all over social media, the blogs we read and the sermons/ podcasts of our favorite pastors/ teachers we follow. I don’t see anything wrong with setting goals, but I wonder how realistic and honest we are with ourselves when we set these goals? Is there any intentionality in our goals? Do these goals allow us to get to where we want to be when December 31st rolls around?

I am a member of an incredible group of women on FB. This is a group who started off as launch team on FB, but once the launch was over we never left the FB group that was created. This is a group of women I have come to love and cherish. We come from all walks of life, different denominations and hold a wide range of views. The cool thing? The main goal is to support each other and I have watched this group walk alongside women walking through all sorts of life issues. This is an encouraging and praying group of women. Some I have had the privilege of meeting in real life and others I hope to one day meet. I share all of this to say we want to see each other grow and succeed.

One of the things we have been encouraged to do the past couple of years is to pray and ask the Lord to give us a word for the year. Last year my word was “Restore.” All year the Lord put verses on restoration right in front of me. There are areas of my life He is still breaking, only to restore. I look at in the form of a remodel. You can’t have the new unless the old is torn out. It’s a process that goes hand in hand. The restoration process isn’t over. The Lord is still working in my life and will be for a while.

When praying about my word for the year, the Lord kept bringing the word “Courage” to mind. Most people who know me, would say I am a picture of confidence and maybe even come across as a little cocky and arrogant. Y’all this is so far from the truth. When I left my full time position back in spring of 2013, a part of me shattered. I felt like I had failed my husband, my children and myself. I didn’t see how the Lord could take that hot mess and make anything of it. Even though the Lord opened an incredible door for me to walk through in our own church and allowed me to land in a position that fits my talents, skill sets and spiritual giftings, I still managed to lose my voice. I have stayed quiet when I should have spoken up. I shrunk back, when I should have squared my shoulders and stood up.

My husband and I experienced a great deal of life in 2017 and the second half of the year was rough, to put it mildly. When everything started happening, I stopped writing. It’s been roughly 6 months since I’ve had a blog post. I stopped because life was hard, but I also stopped because I didn’t think it mattered. Y’all, I love to write. The one thing I could have kept going, I allowed to come to a screeching halt. Fear also played into this. It took me a while to realize how many areas of my life I allowed fear to takeover and to silence me. It wasn’t anything any one person said or did, it was allowing satan to claim space in my head he didn’t deserve to have.

The verse the Lord has given me for the year is Matthew 7:7 “Ask and it shall be given unto you. Seek and ye shall find. Knock and the door shall be opened unto you.” This is KJV, but it’s way I learned the verse back in middle school. It seems to be a weird verse to go along with courage, but how much have you or I missed out on in life because we were too afraid ask? I think too many times we feel like things/ opportunities are given to others, but we aren’t worthy of receiving them ourselves. I believe the Lord will open all doors He sees fit, but I have to wonder how many more would be opened if we approached Him with confidence and asked? When we get into situations, do we truly seek the Lord’s hand and wisdom? I don’t think this means if we ask for a million dollars and a lavish beach house, He will grant it because He isn’t a genie in a bottle. I do however believe if we are truly seeking His face and living a life He called us to live, He will provide and open needed doors.

Walking into the first part of 2018 my goal is to find my voice. This is both physically and in the written word. I know the Lord has put more inside of me than I have shown or given over the past several years. This means stepping forward with courage in spite of the fear I may feel. It may mean having hard conversations. It may mean taking steps I never imagined taking. I pray when December 31st rolls around, I will see a bold, new person when I look in the mirror. I pray the Lord will do as He did last year and put verses on courage in my path throughout the year. I pray He will take and destroy the fear I have allowed to build up over the years.

As you walk into the the second week of 2018, I hope you will pray and ask the Lord to give you a word to focus on for the year. I pray the Lord will bless you beyond measure in the area He is showing you that needs to grow and/or change. I pray 2018 is life changing for you and the Lord takes you to places you never imagined you would go.

Body Image and Expectations

It’s taken me a couple of weeks to write this post. I needed to make sure I was writing from my heart and not from a place of anger and frustration. Honestly, I have struggled with weight since I was in middle school. There are many factors that have played into this over the years. Some of it has been what others have said and/ or done, others have been my own choices, both positive and negative.

A few weeks back I had two encounters within a week that left me angry and in tears. The first happened in a local grocery store. A lady approached me and started to share about a weight loss program she had created and the new store she was opening on the north side of town. Sounds harmless; right? Wrong! In her spiel she told me how she lost 93 lbs on her program and she could help me “lose weight as well.” Y’all my 8 year old daughter was standing beside me through the whole thing. I was angry, embarrassed and wanted the aisle to open up and swallow me whole. Whether she intended to or not, she fat shamed me in front of my daughter and sent her the wrong message. Her words also went against the language we use as far as health and fitness go in our home. I will also say she lost a potential customer.

The second incident happened in a private, health FB page I belong to. In a post a lady bragged about how she judges people based on what’s in their buggies. She also openly admitted to judging those she passed in the grocery store, along with fighting the desire to have “honest” conversations with parents with “fat/ obese kids.” The thing that made my stomach churn more than it already was is that so many other women agreed with her. They felt she should speak up and if maybe they all spoke up, then they could in turn save the world from fat people. It was horrifying. It was a moment I couldn’t respond. I had many responses I could have typed, but I kept scrolling.

One incident was directed towards me and the other wasn’t, but both still reduced me to tear. Y’all, I am NOT a crier. It has to be bad for the tears to come. The tears partly came out of anger at their words, both spoken and typed. The other tears fell as a result of a huge wave of shame that rolled over me.

I know what I need to do. I know what to eat. I know how much exercise I need. I have a minor in Human Performance. (In some colleges/ universities this is the same as Exercise Science). I also spent 9 years working in the recreation and fitness field before starting seminary. Oh yeah, the whole my body being a temple thing didn’t help any of this. Christians are experts at the whole guilt thing. Wish I could say I was kidding, but I’m not.

Total transparency here. At my heaviest, while pregnant with my youngest, I was pushing 200. At my smallest, I was in the low to mid 120’s. Most of my adult life I have fluctuated between the 2 numbers. The cycle goes like this: Exercise, eat right, maintain for a few months to a year or so. Slowly start to let diet and exercise go. Throw diet and exercise out the window, eat all of the things and send the “skinny” clothes to Goodwill. Get frustrated and start over. I know I can’t be the only one who falls into this cycle.

There were times when I was at my heaviest I was good with being “the fat girl.” I know how to play this role. I know what’s expected. Then when I’ve lost the weight and can wear what I call “cute clothes” I love looking at pictures of myself and feel proud that I am no longer the “fat girl” in the group. It’s fun to be the “cute one.” It’s fun to have people comment on how wonderful you look.

This is what one of my seminary professors would call “stinkin’ thinkin’.” How much of what society says plays into this particular tape in our head? How many times do we pick up magazines and see what is expected of women? Most of the women’s, fitness and running magazines show women with 6 pack abs and cut arms. Their thighs don’t touch. They are considered beautiful. There are so many diets, exercise routines, pills and shakes to choose from that should make this whole healthy and skinny thing easy. I’m here to tell you it’s anything but. All of our bodies are different. What works for one person may not work for another person. This fact can add to our frustration. As I look at all of the media around me and options and opinions it’s no wonder eating disorders are so rampant and starting earlier and earlier in our kids.

When I look at what it means to truly be healthy and comfortable in your own skin, it’s not about a number on a scale. It’s not about the number on the tag of your clothes. It’s about being able to go about your daily life and not being winded by tasks. It’s about being able to chase your kids around the backyard or the park and not feel like you’re going to need someone to hand you an oxygen mask. It’s about being able to sit through a sermon on your body being a temple without praying the Lord will look at all of the other good things in your life and letting this one thing slide. It’s being able to go out to eat with your husband or your friends and not worry others are judging you because of what you ordered. It’s about being confident to go buy new jeans or a dress without having a meltdown in the dressing room. (We all get a pass on swim suit shopping because that’s a whole other monster). It’s about being able to look in the mirror and be content with who you are.

The crazy thing is I can give you the whole paragraph above, but I can’t tell you how to get there. I’d be a multimillionaire if I could. We all have different backgrounds. We all have different issues we’ve overcome or are working to overcome. Our hurts and hangups are different. I don’t have any of the answers. The only thing I can tell you is to be kind to others. Don’t judge their appearances because you have no idea what they may be walking. Watch what you say in the presence of your daughters, nieces and other special little girls in your life. Don’t teach them the same unhealthy thought patterns you have. Most of all be kind to yourself. Seek and ask for help when needed. Find an accountability partner if possible. While this will sound like the correct Christian thing to say, pray the Lord will help you in this area. We can’t do it in our own strength. While they are health issues the lead to issues with weight, many times it boils down to an issue in our own hearts. Only HE can deliver and redeem whatever that issue may be.

In the meantime, I’m here whether you need an ear to listen or an invitation to come join me in the gym. We can do this together.

A New Chapter Begins

This week is a huge week in my house. As of Friday, I will officially have 3 kiddos in elementary school. The phrase ” The years are short, but the days are long,” has been ringing in my head for a couple of weeks now. We walked a hard road of miscarriages and infertility before we had kids. Even with as long as that road was it seems like just yesterday we found out we were expecting our daughter. Then the boys came quickly after she did. Because our kids were literally stair steps, the first couple of years were a blur. Eventually we settled into a routine and then when my sweet peanut was 2 I had the privilege of coming home to be a part time stay at home. I loved having the schedule of kids in preschool/ MDO 2 days a week and then home for 3 days. It worked well for all of us. Munchkin eventually moved onto kindergarten and then last fall I sent blue eyes. Peanut is now following them.

My kids are excited to start school. School supplies, backpacks and lunch boxes have been purchased. Peanut is all about Spider Man. Just about everything he has been able to pick out has Spider Man on it. He even scored some Spider Man clothes at Gymboree over the weekend. Blues eyes is all about Star Wars. Munchkin has chosen all things unicorns and rainbows. It’s been fun to watch their individual personalities come out with school shopping this fall.

We have open house today where we will go meet teachers and drop off supplies. The older 2 will start school full time tomorrow morning. Peanut has his phase in day on Friday and will start school full time on Monday. That means on Friday, I won’t get my time with peanut like I’ve had the past couple of years. It also means my house will be extremely quiet Monday through Friday.

As I look back to where we started and where we are now, it also makes me extremely grateful for teachers at church and school who taught and loved on my kids. Without these ladies, I don’t know where we would be. I’m afraid to start naming people for fear of leaving any out, but I do have a few people I would like to personally thank. The first come from HUM School were my kids attended for a combined total of 7 years. Both boys had Mrs. Denise for the 2s program and I’m pretty sure they never would have been potty trained if it weren’t for her.Not sure what she did, but both boys reached this milestone and grew so much in her class. The other teacher I need to thank is Mrs. Laura. We had a child in her class for 4 years. Munchkin had her 2 years in a row and then each of my boys had her. Our family walked through several transitions while the kids were in her class. She provided a sense of security and stability for my kids. My kids were allowed to be kids in her class and she allowed their personalities to shine through. Laura also made sure my kids learned needed skills and that they were ready to move onto kindergarten. It’s been a little hard to swallow we won’t have a child in her classroom this year.

At church, my kids have had so many wonderful leaders in their lives. Mrs. Bridget had all 3 kids when we first started attending The Glade. The kids will take off running to give her a hug. She holds a special place in all of our hearts. This year is the last year we will have a child in the preschool ministry. The transition from the baby hall to the preschool hall was a difficult transition and this transition has been difficult as well. Trying to not think about the fact that next year we will no longer have a kiddo downstairs with her. Then there is Mrs. Cassie. My blue eyed boy has a special connection with her. She has found his strengths and encouraged them. He loves to lead worship and she has nurtured that in him the past couple of years. I pray he continues to look to her. My daughter loves and adores Mrs. Amy. Munchkin has been a part of the dance ministry around 4 years now and looks forward to Wednesday nights. Amy has allowed my daughter to be 100% girly girl and fully herself, giggles and all. My daughter thinks the world of her. My 2 oldest are upstairs with Mrs. Rebecca. I am excited to watch munchkin continue to grow in her faith and looking forward to both of them coming to Christ when they’re ready.

While my kids and our family are entering new phases of life, I am grateful for everyone who has walked alongside of them so far. I pray for a great year for my 3 kiddos and the other kids who are headed back to school this week. I pray for peace in the changes as well as for those who will be leading my kids this year.

A Lot Like Moses

Hey y’all. It has been way too long since I put up a new post. Confession, I have been living in fear of just about everything. The fear has been so bad that I have not even been able to write. I love writing, but my fear prevented me from writing. The fear also sent me into hiding. I don’t mean I have refused to leave the safety of my house, but I have not reached out to friends and basically stopped doing some of the things I love like hitting the greenway and the gym. The Lord is slowly bringing me out on the other side of this, but it’s a process.

This is the last blog post I started back in March, but never finished and hit publish. I have edited part of it because some of the timelines have changed.

If you asked me who I most relate to in the Bible, I would answer with Jonah, Peter and the task driven Martha. Our church is currently reading through the F260 reading plan and back in March we finished up reading about the life of Moses. While I grew up hearing and reading stories about Moses, I never really made any connections to my personal life until now. Ok, well, maybe I haven’t killed and Egyptian solider, nor have I seen a burning bush, but there are several other ways in which I can relate to Moses.

After Moses killed the soldier he fled into the wilderness to basically start life over. He walked away from a life of prestige and comfort. What he didn’t realizing by running off to hide is that we can never hide from the LORD. We often think we can hide, but reality is that He knows where we are at all times. When the Lord decided to confront Moses, it was in a way Moses knew it was really the LORD. I can’t imagine staring at a burning bush and hearing the LORD saying “Take off your sandals for the place you are standing is holy ground” (Exodus 3:5). I can’t even begin to imagine what Moses was thinking as all of this is unfolding before him. I think most of us have had moments where the LORD made it clear as to what He was saying to us, maybe not like this, but still clear.

Then we hear Moses say “But God” for the first time. Y’all he says this multiple times throughout the remainder of his life. If I am honest, this past year has been a year of me saying the exact same thing. You see I know there is something specific the LORD has called me to, BUT I don’t feel qualified to do nor do I really think anyone else would want to hear what I have to say. I feel like it’s time for the dream He gave me in college to come true, but I am terrified to step out on faith and do it. For me, the LORD typically uses people as my “burning bush” moments. I have 3 people in my life who have encouraged me like crazy in the past year. Several months ago I was basically called out because there is something I typically do and this person noticed I hadn’t done it in a while. The next day a sweet note was written about me and the same area was addressed. I mean seriously, how many times does the LORD have to put people in my path to get the message across. Y’all, I am great at saying “But LORD.” I think like Moses, there is truly a feeling of inadequacy and fear involved. I don’t see it as a rebellious spirit and not wanting to obey, but more being afraid to take that step of faith.

Because Moses liked to say “But God” so frequently, Moses was reminded that he had Aaron. Every person needs at least one Aaron in their lives. I have a couple I would consider to be the Aarons in my life. Some of the people in the paragraph above fit into that category. An Aaron keeps us grounded and is by our side. In modern day terms, these people would be considered our “tribe.” My tribe is amazing and has walked through the mountain tops and valleys of my life. They have been there when I have admitted that I was having a “But LORD” moment. They’ve held my up my arms. They have prayed with me and over me. My tribe is small, but exactly what I need it to be. Even though they have not always been able to prevent me from having Moses moments, they have been there to help pick up the pieces or encourage me to follow the LORD’s leading in my life.

As I continued to read through the story of Moses, there are many times when I really feel like he rolled his eyes at the Israelites until his eyes hurt. The people he was leading were really ungrateful and complained a great deal of the time. They forgot he had led them away from slavery in Egypt, but because they were so ungrateful and disobedient, even after experiencing the parting of the Red Sea (Exodus 14: 15-31). While I have never led a group that large, we all have those people in our lives who rub us the wrong way. They are never happy. You can point out all of the positives the LORD has done for them and it’s just never good enough. Admit it, you have that person’s name at the forefront of your mind. I struggle to be around people who are like this. I can also imagine that sarcasm was a favorite form of conversation for Moses. I have often joked sarcasm is unappreciated spiritual gift and something more people should understand and appreciate, but I digress.

While my temper has definitely cooled over the years, I can see and relate to this trait in Moses. There are 3 times when I see that Moses really lost his cool. First, he killed the Egyptian soldier (Exodus 2:12). Second he broke the original stone tablets which held the 10 Commandments. (Exodus 32). Then, there are several more eye roll moments. Just before they are to finally head into the Promised Land, the LORD tells Moses to speak to the rock an water will appear, but Moses, being frustrated strikes the rock twice (Numbers 20: 1-13). While I believe there are healthy ways of letting out anger and frustration, going against the LORD is not something I recommend. Even when anger isn’t physically taken out on someone or something, it can still cause issues when done verbally. While I wish I was the quiet type, I’m not. Like the meme says “I always mean what I say, I just don’t always mean to say it out loud.” This is where my temper and my love of sarcasm can cause issues. There are also days where the greenway gets to feel my anger. Last summer I had an issue that brought my blood to beyond boiling point, so I laced up my running shoes and hit the greenway. During this run I knocked a full minute off of my mile. By the time I returned home I was drenched in sweat. Running or other physical activity is something I would highly encourage when you are angry and that way others around won’t feel the affects.

All throughout Moses’ story you can see how he has gained favor with the LORD. About the time you think the people are going to be destroyed Moses displays his faith and the people are saved. Several times throughout his story, you read about how his face “shone” because he had spent so much time in the LORD’s presence. This is a trait I would love to have. When I take my final breath on this earth and step into eternity with the LORD, this is what I want said about me.

I am grateful the LORD takes us good, bad and ugly. I’m grateful He sees through the mess, the doubts, the fears and the “But Lord” moments in our life. I’m grateful for a Savior who leads me and allows me to be used. I’m grateful He looks at me and calls me “Redeemed” and “Worthy.” I have grown to love the story of Moses because he a sarcastic hot mess and the LORD still used him to lead and the relationship Moses had with the LORD was sweet.

I have had many Moses moments in my life and will more than likely to continue to have them. If you haven’t read his story, you need to. I pray the Lord will continue to use me in spite of me. I also pray that I will find the courage to continue to write. If you are one who actually follows me on this blog, please feel free to say something if you notice it’s been a while since I’ve posted. My goal is to get back on track with my blog and my book. I’m as much a work in process as they are. It’s ok if you are as well.

For Better or For Worse

Yesterday was Valentines Day. It’s a day we celebrate love. It’s day when social media is filled with lovey, mushy couples expressing their undying love for each other. We see pictures of engagement rings, anniversary rings, flowers and other extravagant gifts. We also see pictures of happy couples at expensive restaurants eating meals that cost more than some of their bills. Honestly, one of my posts was exactly the same. I created a photo montage of me and my incredibly good looking husband together and then shared several of the reasons why I love him.

On some levels this is really isn’t all that bad. It’s nice to see couples who are actually happy to be with each other. It’s fun seeing young couples enter into engagements. It’s fun to see older couples still madly in love after 30 plus years of marriage. It is also a nice change to see happy posts on social media rather than the hateful, political and divisive posts that have become so prevalent over the past several months.

Truth be told I am still madly in love with my husband after almost 12 years of marriage. Can I be honest? Marriage is the easiest most difficult thing there is. There are days when you are cute and mushy. You call each other by pet names. You surprise the other person with something small you know they love. You stand side by side, holding hands in church worshiping together. There are times when you get into a car and before you know it you have driven 4 plus hours, but it feels like you have only been in the car a few minutes. In those intimate moments you feel like you are the most special person on the face of the earth. You know your spouse chose you and loves you more than anything. There are those moments when you and your spouse have all 3 kids together and it feels like scene out of a Norman Rockwell painting and you don’t think life could get any more perfect.

Then there are those days when marriage is hard. It’s not that you don’t like each other, but life happens. The car breaks down. The kids get sick. An unexpected bill pops up and wipes out the savings account. There are issues with the in laws. Schedules get so busy you don’t know whether you are going or coming and you may see your spouse before you leave in the morning and then again when you collapse into bed that night. You look around the house and wonder when the bomb went off to leave it in such a sad state.

Marriage is a combination of all of this. Marriage is fun. Marriage is hard. There are days when you absolutely love each other. There are days when you are surprised you are still together. Marriage is celebrations of the big moments in life. Marriage is having the hard conversations and facing the hard moments. Marriage is dealing with work issues. Marriage is celebrating promotions. Marriage is getting creative to make ends meet while waiting for money to come in. Marriage is standing side by side while watching your children live out their dreams. Marriage is standing side by side at the casket of someone you love. Marriage is bringing home chocolate covered cashews or cannoli. Marriage is sacrificing your time to make sure your spouse and/ or your kids are taken care of.

Marriage is this beautiful kaleidoscope of all of life’s moments. As the wife of an entertainer I can tell you we have walked some incredible mountain tops and then waded through some of the deepest valleys. We live life in feast or famine. We put away during times of feast to survive the times of famine. We walked the road of miscarriage and infertility. When we were finally blessed with a full term pregnancy, we still walked through some scary and fearful moments. Marriage is being willing to allow the Lord lead you through the highs and lows of life and staying committed no matter the issue.

In June my husband and I will celebrate our 12th anniversary. The thing I love most about our wedding was that we have a covenant marriage. We didn’t say the traditional vows. My husband vowed to be the spiritual head of our house. I vowed to submit to his authority. Before anyone flips out I am not a doormat, but there are times when I have to step back and let him make the final decisions. I can tell you he leads well. He works hard for his family. He takes the commands given in scripture about how a man should treat/ provide for his wife and children seriously. It will would kill him to think he hasn’t lived up to what the Lord has called him to do. He makes it easy for me to love him. He makes it easy for me to want to serve him. I am grateful my kids have his example to follow. He has set the bar high for my daughter in terms of what she should expect in a husband. He also set the bar high for my boys in how they should treat their future wives.

I asked my husband what stands out to him about our marriage. His response; “Our ability to have fun.” To those of you who know me may not really believe that about me, but my goofy hubby brings out that side of me. We laugh at each other and laugh with each other. He jokes that if he ever went into stand up comedy as a career, I would be the source of many of his jokes. I give him plenty of material. When life gets too serious, he does what he can to make me laugh. We have numerous inside jokes and quote lines from Friends probably far more than we should, but it makes us, us.

My husband definitely loves me and our kids through the good times and bad. For example yesterday was rainy and crazy busy. I ran to put gas in my van and because it was pushing almost 3p and I’d not had lunch I ran through a drive through. Unfortunately, the driver’s side window decided it didn’t want to roll back up. When I got home my hubby couldn’t get it back up either. What did he do? He ran out to get plastic to cover the window until he could get to it. In him doing this, it put him behind for a balloon delivery and making it to his regular Tuesday night gig. Why did he do it? Because he loves me and tries to keep my van in working order. After work last night and then this morning he watched several You Tube videos to try and fix my window. When it didn’t work, he took it to the shop. We shuffled some things around, so I could still make it to work on time. I realize in the grand scheme of things the window issue was minor, but it happened at an inconvenient time. He took care of it anyway.

Marriage is all of this and so much more. I pray if you are engaged or newly weds you will take the time to build a strong foundation for your marriage. I highly recommend reading “The 5 Love Languages.” I still credit this study for saving our marriage and helping us make it past our first anniversary. Take the time to get to really know each other and what makes each other tick. Figure out what the little things are in life that make each other happy. Take the time to talk. I mean really talk. Date nights are important. Sometimes the budget may not allow a night out, but dates at home can be just as fun. I also encourage you to take time to worship together and pray together. If you aren’t praying together, you are missing out on an important aspect of your marriage. This allows you to invite the Lord to be a part of your marriage and He should be the foundation upon which everything else it built.

If you are struggling in your marriage, find a couple you trust or seek out a therapist. Take the time to figure out what the underlying issues are and work to address them. Make sure you are getting in your dates and getting your time together. Marriage can be extremely difficult, but you have to be committed to make it work. Again, if the issues are too large please seek out a therapist.

I pray that where ever you may be in your marriage you remember what it was that made you fall in love with your spouse. Thank the Lord for those traits. Pray the Lord would continue to strengthen all areas of your marriage.

Going Through the Motions

My original plan for this post was to share my goals for the year and the steps I planned to use to meet those goals. As I have had a couple of conversations and then read a few posts and articles on social media, I decided honesty and vulnerability in a New Year’s post would be better than only showing my Type A, goal driven, anal retentive tendencies. You know what I mean, the “Here is the polished, I have it all together side” kind of post. This morning a friend of mine posted a meme on Facebook which states “We need more women who are willing to say, I’ve been there and I’m here. You can always talk to me without judgement.”

So here’s the hard truth. 2016 was a wretched year and I was thrilled to see the clock tick down to midnight and welcome in 2017. Last year the Lord took me through a breaking process and reality is He is still breaking several things in me. I am stubborn as a mule, so this process may take longer in me than in another person. Even though there were times I could see the Lord at work, I spent a great deal of last year simply going through the motions. Many things in my faith that I hold dear either went by the wayside, or I simply marked them off on my to-do list like the obedient, Type A personality I am. I put on a mask with a fake smile and simply did what was expected. There were times last year when I didn’t feel like praying and my Bible became a little dusty. I never stopped believing in the Lord, but many times had to rely on my logic and go with what I knew to be true verses what I felt.

I let a situation a friend had zero control over pretty well ruin that sweet friendship I came to value.I let frustration and jealousy build a wall between us. Truth is that I miss our almost daily conversations/ text messages and spent a good part of last fall feeling lonely. Because this is a friendship at church, it only added fuel to me going through the motions at church. I pray that I can make things right with this friend again and that she will find a way to forgive me.

Last fall when I knew the Lord was calling me to teach a ladies’ life group class on Sunday morning I didn’t understand, especially given where I had been spiritually. Leading a class “forced” me back into The Word. Funny how that works, right? My class is small, but I have come to appreciate spending time with those ladies every Sunday morning. I like having a “need” to be in The Word. Yes, I acknowledge that as a believer, we are called to be in The Word on a regular basis and the Lord speaks to us through our Bible readings, but this class put me back into regular study times.

Through out the course of the fall I was also having conversations with a younger lady in the church, as well as conversations with the person over our groups. Talking with both of them I argued with the Lord over what I was hearing. There was NO way I was going to lead a D-group. I would feel like a complete and total fraud. I appeared to have it all together, but inside my faith was room temperature at best. I knew our church was going to be going through the “Foundations” book and my Sunday morning group had already decided to follow the church’s lead and walk through it with our pastor and other groups. I had been invited to be a part of another D-group, which would have put me sitting under a lady I have come to have a great deal of respect for and knew I would gain a great deal in that group, but there wasn’t room for me and the other young lady I had been talking with. I prayed the Lord would make it crystal clear as to what I was supposed to do and He did. Around the first part of December, the young lady I had been talking with walked up to me with two other ladies and before I knew it, I said “yes” to leading a D-group.

In our Bible reading for week 2, I came across a verse in a familiar passage that jumped out at me and I’m not sure I ever really paid any attention to it before. “So she named the Lord who spoke to her: The God Who Sees, for she said, “Have I really seen here the One who sees me?” Genesis 16:13. Do you see what it says? “The One who SEES me.” Through all of the things that happened last year, the Lord saw me. Even when going though the motions and feeling invisible to those around me, He saw me and He still sees me. I’ll be honest and say tears came to my eyes. I sat with the verse for a while and it renewed a spark in me that has been missing for some time now. I don’t have everything worked out at this point in January, I do know the Lord is moving in my life and by December I am certain I will be able to see the Lord’s hand on many areas of my life. I see this as a year of change, I also see that this is going to be a year of renewal and restoration. I also feel like the Lord will be opening doors for me I never would have imagined possible. I’m still not sure what this looks like, but I’m ready. I know He sees me and sees what’s inside of me.

Why do I share all of this? For one, I think too many times we feel guilty for pretending like everything is fine and going through the motions. Second, there tends to be shame when we hit this point in our walks with the Lord and lastly, we are pretty sure we are the only ones who feel this way. We let our pride get in the way and we are too afraid of admitting we feel this, which in turns keeps us from reaching out and allowing the Lord to use another person to be His arms. Guess what? You’re not alone. You’re not a failure as a Christian for walking through a faith valley. I am telling you I have been there and am slowly coming out on the other side. Please feel free to be honest with me. Don’t walk that road alone. Find a person you can be completely honest with and let them know where you are. Connection with other believers can renew your spark and put you back on the right track.

Entertainer’s Wife in December

This post deviates a little from the things I typically write about. I have had this conversation several times in the past couple of weeks, so I thought I would go ahead and make a blog post. If you are the wife of an entertainer, or a husband who is self-employed, or you may be self-employed then you may understand where this is headed. In our home, like so many others who walk this path, there are only 2 seasons in your home. They are feast or famine. After a while, you begin to see a pattern emerge and you know how to properly plan for those times of famine.

I have a love/hate relationship with the end of September to the start of December. I love that it’s my husband’s busiest time of year and we can afford a few extras and small splurges. It’s also a time where my husband is thinking about the fact that January and February are coming. While we try to save year round, this is where we throw what can into savings, so we are covered the first of the year. It’s also the time of year where the kids and I rarely see him. My husband works hard all year, but this is his marathon season.

While he is out working hard to provide for our family, what is my role in preparing for the first of the year? Stockpiling. No not crazy coupon lady, but slowly filling the pantry and hall closet. It also means that Christmas shopping starts in August for us.

When I look at our biggest monthly expenses on a personal front, what do we use the most? For us, that’s toilet paper, laundry detergent, fabric softener and milk. We joke that our kids are milkohoclics because they go through 5-7 gallons of milk a week. While I can’t stockpile milk, I can toilet paper and our laundry stuff.

When looking at some of the smaller items like toothpaste, hand soap, shampoo, bar soap, deodorant and things like, those are things I can throw in the hall closet and they won’t go bad. I even think about things like hair bands for my daughter and may or may not pick up a pack or 2, if she needs them.

Other smaller things that I can start picking up in October are canned goods. Those typically have a great shelf life, so slowly buying a few cans here and few cans there are easy to do. The kids eat a fruit cup almost every single day with their lunches and Kroger often marks those 2 for $4. Their other snack packs can be bought at Wal-Mart for under $5. My kids also love Ritz and Graham Crackers. Wal-Mart sells the family size boxes of those cracker and I will make sure we have at least 2 full boxes by the end of the month. I will also make sure our brown and white rice containers are full and that we have several boxes of pasta noodle in the cupboard. You can make a whole range of dishes with rice and noodles.

With it being December, I am now working to stock our freezer. It’s not huge, so I can’t go crazy. I wait for Kroger to put their frozen vegetable on sale 10 for $10. Corn dogs and pizza snackers are sold in the freezer section and hot dogs freeze well. These are things my kids love. We also freeze our extra turkey bacon. I will have a full bag of chicken breasts, ground turkey and types of sausage in our freezer. Because we enjoy wings during the National Title game, I will also make sure we have a full bag of wings in the freezer.

The ultimate goal is to only need to buy perishable items as the year starts. The fridge will be full come January 1st, but I can’t stock 2-3 months worth of perishables in there. We already have one Kroger gift card ready to go and I will probably purchase at least 2 more, in case of emergencies.

I shared earlier in the post that Christmas shopping starts in August for us. By that time of year, there are some things the kids have been asking for since the first of the year. It also helps that things are most likely to be fully stocked. This year, we did run into an issue with a gift for our daughter, but she will receive a special letter from Santa letting her know that the gift will arrive sometime in the spring once he has had a chance to restock the workshop. Thanks to my mom, my kids never go without at Christmas, even if things are tight on our end.

I don’t share any of this for sympathy, but to give a shout out to all of you are married to, or are someone who is self-employed. This is a reality and a way of life for many of us. There are times of the year when we are able to say “yes” because we can swing things financially. There are other times when we have to say “no.” It’s not anything personal, it’s just not going to fit in the budget at the moment.

I’m guessing several of you out there can 100% relate to this post. For others, I hope you see what it’s like for those of us who are self-employed or have contract positions. We have to look at and prepare for things in a different manner than those who have consistent salaried positions.