Harmony, in music, consists of multiple notes played at once; this usually involves two or more notes or chords, which is three or more notes—often referred to as a triad. A chord being built of stacked thirds is referred to as a triadic, with a bottom note being the root, a third, and a fifth.
Dissonant chords are combinations that sound jarring, like middle C and the C sharp above (a minor second).
Descant: An independent treble melody usually sung or played above a basic melody.
I’m talking about the Duggar family, so why in the world am I throwing out basic music theory terms? Glad you asked. For so many years I loved and adored the Duggars. I thought they were a family living in perfect harmony. I thought Jim Bob was singing the melody with Michelle and the kids singing harmony parts. Sadly, my ears weren’t “trained.” I so wanted this family to be the picture of what a godly family “should” look like. I wanted to believe Jim Bob was being the true head and that he was in good faith, acting in the best interest of his wife and children. If their family was a true model, then my own upbringing, IBLP adjacent, was acceptable and pleasing to the Lord.
After watching “Shiny Happy People,” I realize how dissonant, off key this family, and truly out of tune this family really is. Jinger is out of the IBLP, but sadly landed in the middle of J-Mac land. She is attempting a harmony part, in an attempt to prove her upbringing was mostly good. Then, you have Jill, who is currently singing the descant to bring true awareness to the atrocities of her upbringing, family, and the IBLP. The reality is the Duggars are more like Milli Vanilli than a trained choral group. I’m sad and angry that I supported them and their values. I held them as a picture of a near perfect family, even if I can’t stand wearing dresses and having super long hair.
It’s amazing to me what we’ll overlook when we so desperately want something to be true. We are willing to look past the legalism, with the insane rules, and near impossible expectations. We see the things we really wanted in life. I WANTED to grow up in a family with 2 parents and a house full of siblings. I WANTED what seemed like the “perfect” Christian” family. I realize now we were seeing what they wanted us to see, but were never allowed to see the wizard behind the curtain, to pull from a favorite childhood musical. The reality is, the family, the “wizard” are nothing more than brand new music students attempting to get some sort of sound out of their instruments, or a choir full of tone deaf singers. They may look great, but the sound is atrocious.
From here I will give the trigger warning of emotional abuse and SA.
Y’all I had NO clue as to how triggering “Shiny Happy People” was going to be. I didn’t expect to want to throw my laptop off the deck and hurl it into the woods (I was sitting on my upper deck while watching).. I didn’t expect the anger, the fear, the shame, the feeling of being totally seen, and the absolute rage at watching this series. While I didn’t grow up in the IBLP, I realize how IBLP my childhood church, the mentality of leaders, and the Purity Culture really were. In the late 80s and early 90s the Southern Baptist Convention was absolutely IBLP adjacent. Even though we were not required to wear dresses every day, nor to keep our hair long, the mentality and the view of women very much resembled the teachings of Gothard and the IBLP.
As an SA survivor and a mama of a daughter, I struggle hard with the purity culture. I struggle and resist the need to make my daughter look like those in the IBLP world. There was a great responsibility to bear on the shoulders of the girls. We were taught that if a boy/ man stumbles, it was OUR fault. When I look at my own story and what I was wearing the assaults happened, there was NOTHING inappropriate about my clothing. When I was R’d for the first time I was wearing shorts and a t-shirt. Because of the year, I was also in LONG, scrunchy socks. It was the middle of the day and there were no adults in the house. When the other perp came after me for the first time I was wearing a LONG, almost FLOOR length nightgown. I was in MY ROOM, behind a CLOSED DOOR, and IN MY BED!!!!
An interview with a survivor talked about how the girls at “Headquarters” were sitting with a group leader and had to go around the circle to discuss whether or not they had been SA’d. The next part they had to answer was “What could YOU have done to prevent it?” I almost threw up. When I look at my own story, logically, I don’t see fault in how I was dressed, or even where I was. Being IBLP adjacent, I see now where the Purity Culture very much accepted, adopted, and taught that very mentality. I was taught that I was “filthy” and needed to ask Christ to give me a “Second Virginity” because I was not going to be able to bring my husband my “gift” of virginity and therefore as MIDDLE SCHOOLER had already defiled my marriage bed.
Do y’all not see the insanity of this? Do you not understand the damage this does? Do you see how victims/ survivors are held to ridiculous standards? WHY was “I” held responsible for what happened to me in 5th and ALL of 6th grade? The mentality of “Oh, it’s just boys being boys” is so extremely dangerous. My husband and I have now been married for 18 years. I STILL struggle with guilt and shame.I STILL struggle with the fact I wore white on my wedding day and even my wedding night attire was white. Based on Purity Culture, I should not have done either one. Honestly, I made my husband wear his wedding band on our wedding and kept mine on because I was terrified of the Lord striking me dead, if we didn’t. It’s NOTHING my husband has put on my shoulders, but when that’s the mentality you spent the better part of your childhood and adult life in, it’s hard to let go.
I was R’d in Spring of 1989. The SA lasted ALL of my 6th grade year, so 1989-1990. This was at the height of “True Love Waits” and the Purity Culture. It is now 2023 and while the program and the movement are no longer discussed, it has now been dressed as “Biblical Womanhood.” Same mentality, just a different look. Instead of addressing the issues, the SBC has made an attempt to whitewash everything and continues to dig their heels in. (Currently watching what’s happening in the SBC Annual Convention in New Orleans. Once it’s completed, another blog post will be coming based on the issues voted on and their results. Can’t say I’m overly hopeful at this point).
Going back to the Duggars, I hope more charges are brought against Josh and that he ends up rotting in prison. I hope charges are eventually filed against Jim Bob and his fate is the same. For Michelle, the older girls, really all of the kids, I pray they can finally escape, find their way to a SAFE church, and learn what real harmony sounds like. After so many years of living in a tone deaf home and church, my fear is they will never know the true beauty and musical harmony until the Lord calls them home.
The SA and Purity Culture are only ONE issue I’ve addressed in this blog post. There are so many other, horrible issues to confront and address from that 4 part series. This just happens to be the area “I” have struggled with the most. Honestly, as a parent, there are multiple issues and horrendous amounts of abuse addressed in the series. I’m grateful I broke away. I’m grateful my kids can’t relate to anything in that series. My own husband can’t relate to much of what was addressed. For that I’m grateful. I don’t want them to understand. I do want them to be sympathetic. They can’t be empathetic because they haven’t walked it. I’m grateful my husband, my kids, my inner circle, and my therapist have been by my side as I deconstruct and seek healing.
For those who are walking a similar journey, I AM HERE FOR YOU! Please don’t hesitate to reach out. You are NOT ALONE. I would feel horrible, if someone I knew, loved and cared about was attempting to go at this by themselves. Please don’t. Even if I’m not the one you speak your truth to and share your story to, I hope and pray you have the people in your lives who will walk alongside through all of this. We can’t do it alone. We need our people. We even need a church. I left the SBC and have found solace in the Episcopal Church. They are wonderful. Welcoming, and accepting folks. That being said, the Episcopal Church isn’t for everyone, but I do hope you can find a faith community who will allow you the place and space to heal!
Deconstruction
SBC and Excommunication 2023
StandardFirst of all, to anyone who reads this and is not a believer, I’m apologizing for the behavior of the “Men” currently sitting in the SBC Executive Meeting. What’s happening is NOT of the Lord and I can’t believe on any level the Lord is happy with current events and decisions being made. Once upon a time I was proud to call myself Southern Baptist and now I feel like I need to apologize to those outside the convention as well as the women and girls inside the convention.
On Monday nights I am sitting in a group for those of us with a history of SA. Some women experienced the SA at the hands of church staff. Others of us did not, but the religious trauma is a shared experience. Many of us grew up in fundamental, conservative, evangelical churches. Y’all, the feelings rising to the surface are a little scary. This group is not for the faint of heart. It is not one you walk away from feeling all warm and fuzzy. It is real and more raw than even I could have ever have imagined. Processing all the things is not going to be quick or easy. There is major work ahead.
The last two group sessions I have walked away just plain pissed off. I have noticed the little things that I don’t typically think twice about are getting to me. I’m struggling to stay focused. My emotions are all over the place. I’m also noticing, especially after last night, I am honestly angry. I don’t even know how to channel this anger, or what to do with it. I did meet with my therapist today and she assures me this anger is healing moving forward. Not sure I like it, or agree, but I am going to keep on trusting her. Semi-joking and semi-not joking, I asked to give her my “box” of emotions. I asked her to “clean them up, make them pretty, happy, and then return them to me with a nice margarita.” She found it funny, but reminded me that’s not how this process works. I’m the one who has to do the actual emotional work. Nope, not a fan. I give it zero stars.
I’ve been on the struggle bus with church, especially the SBC for quite a while now. If you have followed my blog for any length of time, you know I’m walking a season of deconstruction. I realize so much of what I was taught growing up is honestly, dangerous, especially for women and girls. SA has been identified as a major issue, but the “leadership” is only giving it lip service. They turned to Guidepost, but don’t seem to have any real intention of following through with the recommendations. Women and girls are no longer really safe inside the doors of their churches because the “leadership” of the SBC would rather keep the “Good Ole Boy” system in place, rather than offer up consequences to their buddies, even with enough proof to have the perps thrown in jail. Yes, I put Patterson, Hunt, and Chandler in that category.
“Men” like William Wolfe have taken to social media to say “White women are the enemy of the church.” Yes, this is a white “man” disparaging WHITE women, the only race he seems to deem worthy of salvation. I guess, really, he only thinks white “men” have a place in eternity. I’m too afraid to go down the rabbit hole of his distorted, misogynistic, racist beliefs. I’d recommend reading his crap, but I don’t want anyone else traumatized by his BS. (I feel honored that I’ve been denied access to his account and can only see what someone else screenshots and shares). Under his above statement is a picture of Beth Moore! Really? Beth Moore, a godly, called, equipped woman is a “Threat?” She has more knowledge of Greek and Hebrew than most men I know. He also has a low view of women like Dr. Beth Allison Barr and Kristen Du Mez. These are women I look up to and respect. They have kept me from jumping off the proverbial cliff. They have reminded me I and other women have actual worth to the Lord. I had no clue white women were capable of destroying the work of The Lord, until I read his word. We are apparently paving the way to hell. I never knew The Lord was so weak? This “man” is also a Christian Nationalist and makes no attempt to hide this fact. It’s horrifying that people like him are allowed to have a voice in what’s happening in our churches. The last statement could be a whole other post in and of itself.
As I alluded to at the beginning of this post, the SBC Executive Committee meeting is currently in progress. To hear FOUR churches are being banished/ disfellowshipped from the convention because they *gasp* have dared to ordain and/ or call WOMEN!!!! The horrors!. Some people have developed a major case of the vapors over this one and just don’t have the mental or emotional capacity to handle it. One of these churches is SADDLE BACK out in CA. Y’all, is there really a church that didn’t do “Purpose Driven Life” at some point? Saddle Back led the way and many churches followed, even if it wasn’t the best fit, on several fronts. Rick Warren was one of the most sought after preachers for a couple of decades. The SBC is now ready to banish and exile him?
While I don’t have facts to back up my opinion, I do feel the Warrens’ son taking his life was the start of the end for that church and our convention. NO, I do NOT agree with that stance. The convention SHOULD have come around his family. Given the SBC does NOT have a high view of people who struggle with their mental health, nor mental health professionals, I can’t say I’m shocked. Appalled, but not shocked. That was strike one. Strike two was the decision to commit the “Sin” of ordaining an actual woman. Then, strike three was, horror of all horrors to call a FEMALE PASTOR? Can you believe it? They actually took the time to call a fully equipped, CALLED, woman of God to PREACH!!! They allowed a WOMAN to be a PASTOR! How will the men learn under the leadership of a female? How will women learn “their place,” if a woman is actually in the pulpit? Oh my goodness! Get out the smellin’ salts y’all. They’ve gone and done it now.
I know I’m attempting to add humor to this, but honestly, I am PISSED!!! I know they are only one of four being given the boot over these issues. The thing that really makes the bile rise and the blood boil is that there are churches with KNOWN perpetrators and NOTHING is being done! When it comes to sexual predators in the pulpit, the convention is choosing to state the convention holds NO power to do anything. So, here’s the sad, pathetic reality: A church decides to ordain and/ or call a female, the convention will go to their MAN MADE book of the “Baptist Faith and Message 2000” and declare that church is to be disfellowshipped. However, when a perp is knowingly allowed to continue in any leadership role within the church, the SBC immediately states they have NO power to do anything. Yep, the SBC cherry picks what and where they can or WON’T assert power. This means the Good Ole Boy System stays securely in place.
Here’s how it all boils down… If you are a “manly, grizzly man” who loves power and control you are welcome to belong. As a woman, if you are willing to be the “quiet, subservient, arm piece of a house wife” and teach your daughters to follow suit, you my also belong. Any woman, who dares to be independent, or be called and equipped in any way shape, or form, please take your leave now. We are NOT welcome. There is no desire to hold men accountable. Any of their failures apparently lay squarely on the shoulders of the women in their lives. “Men” claim we have no power until a failure happens, and then women have all the “power.”
It has been said by numerous “men” and “leaders” in the SBC that if women (and girls) didn’t dress a certain way, act in a certain manner, or go to certain places rape/ SA wouldn’t happen. They are turning a blind eye to what is happening in some churches. They are also turning a bling eye to women like me. I was in MY home, in MY room, and in MY bed, wearing a LONG nightgown (the first time), so please tell me how we were in places that SHOULD have been safe, but became hell on earth? Did I mention I was in middle school? Please tell me how ordaining and/ or calling women is far worse than rape/ SA? Common sense has long left the “room.” The focus is on the WRONG thing. I guess as long as your buddy can continue to fill the pulpit, it’s fine. The safety of women and girls are nowhere on the radar. Shockingly, people are leaving the SBC in droves, but no one seems to understand why?
YES, I believe The Lord can call a WOMAN to the pulpit. YES, I believe WOMEN are just as capable of leading a church as a man. YES, I believe rape/ SA are far worse than women in leadership YES, I hope and pray that some day the SBC will release a list of perps that is NOT redacted in any way and will finally disqualify those on the list from ministry. YES, I hope and pray the safety of women and children will one day be more important than protecting the reputation of perps and the Good Ole Boy system. If those things don’t happen, the SBC will eventually implode and it will be the fault of the so called “leaders.”
*The SBC does not excommunicate people or churches. There is a vote to withdraw membership and then disfellowship that person, or in this case, church.
*I know there are boys who have been assaulted/ victimized as well. Not going to pretend otherwise.
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