* This post took longer to write than expected. I started typing, then angry typing. Realizing that while what I was typing, while true and transparent, it was also not necessary. I can be honest about how I feel and not attempt to destroy others. I have never named names in a public forum and never will. That being said, what I started typing would have made it easy for people to figure out who I was talking about. It has taken me 13 days to write, rewrite, and make this post. I struggled hard with it and even had my therapist read it. Her words “I see the vulnerability, hear the hurt and the emotions.” She also said “There are people who are going to choose to misunderstand you. You just have to choose whether or not you’re ok with it.” So, regardless of how you choose to take this post, here it is!

Truth: I had several other titles picked out for this particular blog post. Because I decided to not offend others, I chose a tame title. Hard is not even close to adequate to describe what the healing process looks like. A long line of expletives would be more accurate and appropriate.

The healing process is not even close to being this nice, easy straight line, with a how to list.

Certain people have commented on my social media posts and said they think I am angry. Well, the truth is I AM angry. The anger, resentment, and bitterness are real. I loathe feeling like this, but the feelings are real AND valid. While I am choosing to work through the hellish feelings, I refuse to pretend they don’t exist. I will no longer pretend to be “The perfect Christian lady” and put on my “happy camper” face to make others feel at ease. You can’t fix what you don’t acknowledge. If I live in denial of the anger, I can’t work through it and make it out to the other side.

I am pretty certain there are people who are growing tired of the SA and church trauma victim/ survivor posts. Well, guess what? They will be around for a while. My story is hard and ugly. It’s taken a great deal of time, therapy, tears, frustration, anger, etc… to get to this point. I honestly hope and pray that my story helps just ONE person use their voice and start the healing process, because it will all be worth it.

I have shared my story over the course of several years and blog posts. Quick recap for anyone new to my blog. I am an R/ SA survivor. I grew up in a conservative fundamentalist church. Attended college and seminary under the same denomination. In 2018 the crap hit the fan and sent me on a journey I never expected to be on. In 2021, I unfortunately went no contact with a certain person and that in and of itself has been a whole other level of trauma and added to my list of “To heal from” for therapy. In 2022, I stepped down from choir in my old church, then stopped going to church altogether. I attended a special service at another church, started attending services off and on. Now, myself and all 3 kiddos are members of this incredible new church.

I’ve spent several years working through the SA and childhood trauma. Won’t say I’ve arrived, or found the healing and closure I’m looking for on that front, but I’ve made progress. It’s taken a great deal of stupid hard work to get where I am today. I spent the first several years in therapy barely being willing to go any further than surface level. We use several analogies, but the one we use the most is the onion. There are a TON of layers on an onion. Even when you’ve made progress and peeled back a hundred layers, you discover there are still a crap ton of layers left.

I am learning that things I thought were completely independent are actually related on some level. Growing up in a conservative fundy church colored so much of my childhood and the views I carried into adulthood. While my R/ SA didn’t come at the hands of clergy, I do place partial blame on the low view of women. I blame much of what was taught during the “True Loves Wait” movement. Basically girls are responsible for EVERYTHING and boys have zero self control, therefore responsible for nothing. I grew up thinking I was less than. I grew up thinking because I wasn’t “pure,” even though not by choice, that I was trash, not loveable and something to be tossed aside.

I accepted the us vs. them mentality. I accepted that we (the SBC) were correct in ALL things and everyone else, other denominations included, were wrong. I accepted that the SBC’s interpretation of Scripture was correct and not open to discussion. I believed that women were lowly and beneath men. Even though I was taught “once saved, always saved” I grew up believing that any mistake could take me out of the Lord’s good graces. I believed scripture was a tool for behavior modification. I grew up with a certain commandment used as a weapon, believing that I had to ignore boundaries and allow that person to treat me how they saw fit and my feelings/ boundaries were irrelevant. Church and faith were a long list of dos and don’ts. It was about being a rule follower. I heard about “Freedom in Christ,” but never truly understood it because the list of rules was so long. I was terrified to step out of bound, for fear of eternal punishment.

I’ve taken the time to read books outside the SBC realm. My eyes have been opened wide. I’m also reading through “Walk in Love” Episcopal Beliefs and Practices” by Scott Gunn and Melody Wilson Shobe. They are using scriptures that I have been able to quote since I was a little girl. However, these verses are being taught in a totally different light. Instead of fear of retribution, the verses are being taught as the love of Christ. Yes, I still believe in sin, and right, and wrong. I don’t believe being a believer gives me the freedom to do what I want, when I want, without guilt or consequences. It does mean that I no longer have to be afraid of the Lord. I will be honest that I have not arrived on this front, but the burden is easing.

In my time of deconstruction, I have lost a lot of people. I don’t mean I’ve lost them in a physical sense or to death, but they no longer speak to me. I have been unfriended and blocked on social media. I’ve had some people tell me I’ve turned my back on my faith. One even went so far as to tell me I allowed the world to take over my heart. Y’all, it SUCKS!!!! With one I pointed out that their love was conditional. As long as I believed and said the same things they did, I was loved and accepted. The moment I dared to disagree, they turned their back on me. This person basically it was “too hard on them” to watch, so they could no longer associate with me. I have yet to hear from that person again. A post about church hurt, even though no names, or churches were named caused an uproar. Instead of being heard, by the person I wanted to be heard by, I was shut out. I can’t fathom Christ would be ok with any of this. I have lost a faith family that I was a part of for 35 years. 35 years is a long time and the majority of my life. It’s not a loss I will heal from overnight.  

I will give the caveat that I still have some wonderful memories of my time in the SBC. There are a handful of people who are still in that world who do speak to me and have been there for me and my family. There are many incredible experiences I don’t know that I would’ve had, had I not been a part of that faith family. This process is not black and white. There are many shades of gray and I won’t pretend like my entire existence in that world was awful.

My youngest son was baptized earlier this month in our new church. The service was sweet and beautiful. We were surrounded by our new church family. I had people I would have loved to have been there, that didn’t come. (I’m not talking about the ones who communicated with me). We had 3 people from our old faith family who showed up and I was beyond grateful for them. They didn’t allow the change in denominations to stand in the way of our relationship, or their love for my son and our family. That being said, even in the beauty of that moment, knowing the internal, eternal changes it meant for my son, there was grief. His baptism looked like nothing like I expected it to. It didn’t take place where I expected it to. It was a moment where gratitude and grief walked side by side and butted heads. I was honest with our priest about my feelings and she understood. I felt guilty for feeling the grief when the Lord was obviously moving. I felt guilty for allowing anger and resentment to creep in. I felt guilty for wanting more from people I thought cared about my son and family at that moment.

When you add this, the filing of the Amicus brief the week prior, the feelings were massive. I am an ugly, mixed ball of emotions. It was another reminder that the SBC cares nothing for the victims/ survivors of R/ SA. It was another reminder we “asked” for it and therefore our perps were not responsible. It was a reminder that the “good ole boys” will be protected at all costs. Instead of humility and repentance, the Amicus brief was that system digging in their heels.   Honestly, I’m still trying to work through all of the emotions. I wish I could just shut off my emotions on that front. I wish I could say, I’ve left, so my feelings about my previous faith family no longer exist. Because that’s not how we were created, I am going to have to slowly work through the emotions and find healing. I want a nice, pretty timeline on this process, but I know that’s not how this works.

Deconstruction is a hard and beautiful thing. I am attempting to unlearn a great deal. I am attempting to learn who I really am in Christ. I am learning that I need to let certain things and people go. I am learning that the faith I’ve lived is not what Christ intended. I read a Twitter post over the weekend that talked about deconstruction in terms of Autumn. He stated that it’s when things die, even though it was just glorious and lush. Autumn is a time when things die and then it turns into winter where all looks lost and barren. I feel like I’m at the point where the last of the leaves are falling off and I’m settling in to deal with the “death” of a great deal of things. Winter is literally and figuratively on its way. I can only hold onto the hope of Spring and new life. Life ahead will look nothing like life in the past. I can only hold onto hope and trust that the Lord will guide my path. I can only hope that when Spring returns, the beauty will overcome the grief and the new life will bring peace in all of this.

If you’re in a similar place, I SEE you! You are ENOUGH! You are WORTH fighting for. Your VOICE deserves to be heard!