Last week I was searching images in Google and came across a meme that said “It’s ok to be a glowstick; sometimes we need to break before we can shine.” Since I read the meme, I haven’t been able to get it out of my head and it seems appropriate for this season of my life. Think about a glowstick for just a minute. Unless it’s broken, it can’t be used. It HAS to be broken in order to fulfill its purpose and glow. Many times the Lord has to break us in order for us to function and glow as He desires.
It’s hard to believe that I am now closer to 40 than I am to 30. In October I will only have a single year left in my 30s. My life is changing. The Lord is breaking certain things in me and I can tell a new chapter is getting ready to begin. Since I resigned my job as a school based therapist back in May of 2013. I feel like I have been in a holding pattern. It’s been a chapter of waiting. While I don’t have all of the answers, I can see where the Lord is breaking me and He is slowly changing my circle of friends.
Honestly, it’s hard to imagine knocking down walls one has spent almost an entire life building. Different circumstances and events have added bricks and reinforcements in my own wall and it almost resembles a fortress at this point. I am now watching the Lord bring people into my life to start tearing down that wall. Yes, I have some great friends, but many of those relationships aren’t what they used to be. Part of that has been me pulling back. Part of it is life has pulled us in different directions and other times it’s just part of the natural ebb and flow of life. There are days when it’s hard to see that some of those relationships are not what they used to be. In some ways I look at how life has pulled certain people together and while I haven’t been left out completely, the relationships have changed. Here lately, I feel like I am on the outside looking in when it comes to certain friends.
Two years ago, the Lord allowed me to walk into a Christian Women in Media Association regional dinner. I had no idea what I was walking into and had no idea the blessing I would receive from this group. The beginning of this year the Lord brought an incredible small group of ladies to a regional dinner. While we are all still getting to know each other, I am grateful for the time spent with them this past week in conversation and a ministry event. These ladies are all beautiful in their own rights. They have amazing testimonies of how the Lord has moved in their lives. I count it a privilege to cheer them on in their current projects and am grateful for their encouragement in pursuing my own dreams. I’m excited to spend more time with these ladies and get to know them better. I’m also excited to watch the Lord expand all of our ministries with the support and encouragement of each other.
I have spent almost 2 years attempting to write a book. The first time I was about 3 chapters in when my computer ate the whole thing and refused to let it be recovered. Last fall I started writing again, but stopped almost 2 chapters in because I was terrified of failing. If I didn’t finish the book, it couldn’t be rejected and I wouldn’t be seen as a failure. Fear has never stopped me from pursuing anything in the past, but I have dreamt of writing a book since I graduated from college and the fear of moving forward is almost paralyzing. The Lord never hands us fear. He only gives courage. In my season of being a glowstick, He is trying to break me of my fear. At my age is almost embarrassing to admit that fear is even a factor in pursuing my dreams. “Do not fear,” “Be courageous” is something I have heard repeatedly over the past several months. Without a shadow of doubt, I know the Lord wants me to release all fears and trust Him to move forward with the dream He gave me.
The Lord is also trying to break me of my independence. I don’t mean this in a way that I will start being codependent and not able to function on my own, but breaking me of the mentality that I have to do things alone. When I rely on my strength and my strength alone, I will fail every single time. When I rely on the Lord, things fall into place in a way that only He can make them work. When I allow others to be His hands and feet in my life, it takes bricks out of my wall. It opens me up to genuine relationships. I have been stubborn and independent my entire life. Granted, there are times when it’s helped, but too many times I stumbled because I was too proud to ask for help.
Allowing the Lord to bring you into a time of breaking is hard and can be somewhat painful. While it can be a lonely season, especially when change is involved, lean into Him because it will be worth it in the end.
Allow the Lord to break you my dear friends and shine!