Harmony, in music, consists of multiple notes played at once; this usually involves two or more notes or chords, which is three or more notes—often referred to as a triad. A chord being built of stacked thirds is referred to as a triadic, with a bottom note being the root, a third, and a fifth.

Dissonant chords are combinations that sound jarring, like middle C and the C sharp above (a minor second).

Descant: An independent treble melody usually sung or played above a basic melody.

I’m talking about the Duggar family, so why in the world am I throwing out basic music theory terms? Glad you asked. For so many years I loved and adored the Duggars. I thought they were a family living in perfect harmony. I thought Jim Bob was singing the melody with Michelle and the kids singing harmony parts. Sadly, my ears weren’t “trained.” I so wanted this family to be the picture of what a godly family “should” look like. I wanted to believe Jim Bob was being the true head and that he was in good faith, acting in the best interest of his wife and children. If their family was a true model, then my own upbringing, IBLP adjacent, was acceptable and pleasing to the Lord.

After watching “Shiny Happy People,” I realize how dissonant, off key this family, and truly out of tune this family really  is. Jinger is out of the IBLP, but sadly landed in the middle of J-Mac land. She is attempting a harmony part, in an attempt to prove her upbringing was mostly good. Then, you have Jill, who is currently singing the descant to bring true awareness to the atrocities of her upbringing, family, and the IBLP. The reality is the Duggars are more like Milli Vanilli than a trained choral group. I’m sad and angry that I supported them and their values. I held them as a picture of a near perfect family, even if I can’t stand wearing dresses and having super long hair.

It’s amazing to me what we’ll overlook when we so desperately want something to be true. We are willing to look past the legalism, with the insane rules, and near impossible expectations. We see the things we really wanted in life. I WANTED to grow up in a family with 2 parents and a house full of siblings. I WANTED what seemed like the “perfect” Christian” family. I realize now we were seeing what they wanted us to see, but were never allowed to see the wizard behind the curtain, to pull from a favorite childhood musical. The reality is, the family, the “wizard” are nothing more than brand new music students attempting to get some sort of sound out of their instruments, or a choir full of tone deaf singers. They may look great, but the sound is atrocious.

From here I will give the trigger warning of emotional abuse and SA.

Y’all I had NO clue as to how triggering “Shiny Happy People” was going to be. I didn’t expect to want to throw my laptop off the deck and hurl it into the woods (I was sitting on my upper deck while watching).. I didn’t expect the anger, the fear, the shame, the feeling of being totally seen, and the absolute rage at watching this series. While I didn’t grow up in the IBLP, I realize how IBLP my childhood church, the mentality of leaders, and the Purity Culture really were. In the late 80s and early 90s the Southern Baptist Convention was absolutely IBLP adjacent. Even though we were not required to wear dresses every day, nor to keep our hair long, the mentality and the view of women very much resembled the teachings of Gothard and the IBLP.

As an SA survivor and a mama of a daughter, I struggle hard with the purity culture. I struggle and resist the need to make my daughter look like those in the IBLP world. There was a great responsibility to bear on the shoulders of the girls. We were taught that if a boy/ man stumbles, it was OUR fault. When I look at my own story and what I was wearing the assaults happened, there was NOTHING inappropriate about my clothing. When I was R’d for the first time I was wearing shorts and a t-shirt. Because of the year, I was also in LONG, scrunchy socks. It was the middle of the day and there were no adults in the house. When the other perp came after me for the first time I was wearing a LONG, almost FLOOR length nightgown. I was in MY ROOM, behind a CLOSED DOOR, and IN MY BED!!!!

An interview with a survivor talked about how the girls at “Headquarters” were sitting with a group leader and had to go around the circle to discuss whether or not they had been SA’d. The next part they had to answer was “What could YOU have done to prevent it?” I almost threw up. When I look at my own story, logically, I don’t see fault in how I was dressed, or even where I was. Being IBLP adjacent, I see now where the Purity Culture very much accepted, adopted, and taught that very mentality. I was taught that I was “filthy” and needed to ask Christ to give me a “Second Virginity” because I was not going to be able to bring my husband my “gift” of virginity and therefore as MIDDLE SCHOOLER had already defiled my marriage bed.

Do y’all not see the insanity of this? Do you not understand the damage this does? Do you see how victims/ survivors are held to ridiculous standards? WHY was “I” held responsible for what happened to me in 5th and ALL of 6th grade? The mentality of “Oh, it’s just boys being boys” is so extremely dangerous. My husband and I have now been married for 18 years. I STILL struggle with guilt and shame.I STILL struggle with the fact I wore white on my wedding day and even my wedding night attire was white. Based on Purity Culture, I should not have done either one. Honestly, I made my husband wear his wedding band on our wedding and kept mine on because I was terrified of the Lord striking me dead, if we didn’t. It’s NOTHING my husband has put on my shoulders, but when that’s the mentality you spent the better part of your childhood and adult life in, it’s hard to let go.

I was R’d in Spring of 1989. The SA lasted ALL of my 6th grade year, so 1989-1990. This was at the height of “True Love Waits” and the Purity Culture. It is now 2023 and while the program and the movement are no longer discussed, it has now been dressed as “Biblical Womanhood.” Same mentality, just a different look. Instead of addressing the issues, the SBC has made an attempt to whitewash everything and continues to dig their heels in. (Currently watching what’s happening in the SBC Annual Convention in New Orleans. Once it’s completed, another blog post will be coming based on the issues voted on and their results. Can’t say I’m overly hopeful at this point). 

Going back to the Duggars, I hope more charges are brought against Josh and that he ends up rotting in prison. I hope charges are eventually filed against Jim Bob and his fate is the same. For Michelle, the older girls, really all of the kids, I pray they can finally escape, find their way to a SAFE church, and learn what real harmony sounds like. After so many years of living in a tone deaf home and church, my fear is they will never know the true beauty and musical harmony until the Lord calls them home.

The SA and Purity Culture are only ONE issue I’ve addressed in this blog post. There are so many other, horrible issues to confront and address from that 4 part series. This just happens to be the area “I” have struggled with the most. Honestly, as a parent, there are multiple issues and horrendous amounts of abuse addressed in the series. I’m grateful I broke away. I’m grateful my kids can’t relate to anything in that series. My own husband can’t relate to much of what was addressed. For that I’m grateful. I don’t want them to understand. I do want them to be sympathetic. They can’t be empathetic because they haven’t walked it. I’m grateful my husband, my kids, my inner circle, and my therapist have been by my side as I deconstruct and seek healing.

For those who are walking a similar journey, I AM HERE FOR YOU! Please don’t hesitate to reach out. You are NOT ALONE. I would feel horrible, if someone I knew, loved and cared about was attempting to go at this by themselves. Please don’t. Even if I’m not the one you speak your truth to and share your story to, I hope and pray you have the people in your lives who will walk alongside through all of this. We can’t do it alone. We need our people. We even need a church. I left the SBC and have found solace in the Episcopal Church. They are wonderful. Welcoming, and accepting folks. That being said, the Episcopal Church isn’t for everyone, but I do hope you can find a faith community who will allow you the place and space to heal!