Month: June 2023

SBC and Charlie Brown

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Y’all my heart is shattered and I’m sick to my stomach. Just when I think things can’t get any worse, it does. If you have followed my blog or social media for any length of time, then you know I’m in a season of deconstruction. Today solidified my decision to part ways with the SBC.

I was raised in the SBC. My undergrad is from an SBC college. I earned my master’s degree from South Western Baptist Theological Seminary (SWBTS). I have served as a counselor at several SBC camps, and on staff of several SBC churches. This is a denomination I loved. This is a denomination I met and married my husband in. This is the denomination we have raised our kids in. While there are people I still love, respect, and adore in the SBC, I’m out!

Since 2018, for me, it’s been like watching Charlie Brown with Lucy and the football. Time and time again, she promises to hold the ball. Charlie Brown takes her at her word and is consistently let down. Since everything started at SWBTS with the “investigation” and “removal” of Paige Patterson. He basically received a slap on the back of the hand and was told “Don’t be a bad boy any more.” He was never truly held accountable for the SA he has allowed to happen under his “leadership.” He set SWBTS back 50 years and that started when I was a student 03-06. Patterson and the rest of his “Conservative Resurgence” cronies are still controlling things.

Instead of writing a short novel, I’ll give the “Readers Digest” version of the two issues that have been a catalyst of change in my view and opinions of the SBC:
1) The long standing issues with SA. Pastors have been credibly accused. A small fraction have actually been found guilty in a court of law. Sadly, too many times victims/ survivors are shut down and forced to sign NDAs. Even worse, they are told it’s their fault and had they had done/ not done X, Y, or Z, the SA never would have been assaulted to begin with.

At the annual convention last summer, 2022, I actually held out hope that we would see radical changes in how all of this was going to be handled. I was thrilled when Guidepost was hired to get involved. They did a thorough investigation. Sadly, when they released the findings and a list was created, over half of it was redacted. Credibly accused pastors were NOT fired. They left one church over “indiscretions” and not taking responsibility, nor being held accountable for their damaging actions.

R* and SA are SERIOUS SINS!!! The SBC, much like the Catholic Church, has lived in denial, and involved in a series of coverups. The SBC has allowed the Gothard/ IBLP mentality to infiltrate their ranks and mentality. The view of women is stupid low. Women are not called “property,” but if we’re honest, that’s how we’re seen. This means when R* and SA happen, a woman has no recourse. Either she “asked” for it, or she didn’t do anything to prevent it.

When the SA happens, we are expected to forgive and forget. We are expected to act like it isn’t that big of a deal. When they are younger, like Josh Duggar, it’s just “boys being boys.” It’s their curiosity. It’s their “natural high sex drive.” They are just “being who they were created to be.” It’s WRONG on so many levels. Again it speaks to the expectation of women being “ready” to accept all “invitations” wanted or not.

2) The role of women in ministry has been a highly contested issue for years. That being said, we are talking about an issue that is extra-biblical. It is NOT a sin issue. Based on what I’ve watched in the SBC over the years is that they want women in the homes, in the kitchen, in the nursery, and working with children. Apparently, when a boy turns 13, he is considered a man and therefore a woman is not allowed to teach him at that point.

Conversations/ threads I’ve followed on social media have pointed out how women, IN the SBC, are allowed to go overseas, as missionaries, and PREACH The Gospel. They are allowed to LEAD men in those countries. Something that was brought up was that it’s acceptable because the SBC views minorities as “less than” and therefore they see it as “teaching children.” Yes, racism is a HUGE deal in the SBC, but I also have to wonder how much it actually plays in women’s ability to lead overseas. Racism is a whole other issue to be addressed at a different time. (I do NOT share this opinion. I have way too many friends of different races and nationalities to be this shallow and racist). It is a conversation that has repeated itself to go hand in hand with women in ministry.

When verses are taken out of the context of the passage, as well as out of context of the historical meaning, it’s easy to take Paul’s words and attempt to silence women. The Lord actually held a HIGH view of women. I mean even when He rose from the dead, the FIRST person He spoke to was a WOMAN! He didn’t view us as second class citizens. He didn’t view us as less than men.

The SBC to say women don’t belong in the pulpit, or in any pastoral position is to put limits on The Lord. It means they believe The Lord can’t, or won’t call women. When you look at history, even modern day history, you can’t back this up. When I look at women like Beth Moore, Priscilla Shirer, Lisa Harper, just to name a few, you can’t tell me they aren’t called, gifted, and equipped to fill the pulpit.

I will state I do believe the pulpit to be a sacred place in the Church. I don’t believe someone should be able to say “I feel like preaching next week” and be allowed to preach. I do believe only CALLED and GIFTED people should be in the pulpit. I do NOT, however, believe that it is limited to men. I don’t believe in limiting what The Lord can choose to do, or whom He chooses to call. I would rather a righteous, godly woman be in the pulpit, than a known perp who is a male.

The votes at the SBC Annual Conference to disfellowship should be concerning to EVERYONE! It shows that extra-biblical issues are being held to a higher value than SA. My own response to the votes on Twitter was this:

“Jesus would NOT be pleased with this. The fact you see women in the pulpit as a greater threat than then predator pastors, shows a lack of insight & awareness. Congratulations, y’all have officially made it clear women are nothing & perps will be protected.”

I am at least “grateful” the people in the room had the decency to be “somber” once the wretched votes were cast. I wish I could say the same of the responses on social media. To show celebrations over the disfellowship of churches who view women as Christ views us, and NOT show up for the SA breakout, shows how messed up things are. To see fellow women celebrating what happened today is something I can’t even pretend to wrap my head around. I do wish the somberness was around the repentance of the vote. I wish a “leader” would have quashed the whole damn vote before it even took place. Y’all there is NOTHING Christ honoring about what happened today. I do believe The Lord would have overturned tables had He actually been present. I don’t believe the Spirit of The Lord was invited into that conference today, or even this week.

A survivor posted yesterday that “Wherever He Leads, I’ll Follow” was sung. Based on the disgraceful votes made today, there was NO leading of The Lord. There was NO willingness to put differences of OPINION aside. Christ was NOT involved in the votes cast today. I can only pray that Saddle Back Church, Fern Creek Baptist, and the other churches disfellowshipped will be blessed beyond measure. I’ll add that Fern Creek has had the SAME FEMALE PASTOR for 30 YEARS!!! Yes, 30 YEARS!!! The average tenure is only 10 years. This FEMALE pastor has been there for THIRTY YEARS!

As long as Christ is truly honored. People are coming to a saving, personal relationship with Christ, who cares, if it was a man or woman who brought them to that place? I don’t see Christ saying “Well you came to know me through a woman, so you get a shack rather than a mansion.” Christ isn’t petty, the “men” of the SBC are.

I will say I do NOT despise all men. I LOVE and ADORE my husband. As stated earlier, there are people in the SBC I love and respect. I don’t see all people, especially men, as terrible folks. I do believe that the conference as a whole has lost its way. They have become so self-absorbed and concerned about the bottom line that The Great Commission and actually leading people to Christ has gone to the wayside.

I am grieved for a denomination and people I have spent most of life with. I am grieved over decisions made. I am grieved over how women and minorities are viewed and treated. I NEVER, in a million years, imagined I would be where I am today. I do NOT rejoice over the choice to leave. It wasn’t easy. It’s been a slow simmer that finally came to a boil. To go back to my original analogy, I can’t trust “Lucy” anymore. Yes, I laugh at the fact Lucy is a female, given all that I’ve just shared.

The SBC acts shocked at the rapid decline of their numbers. This past year was the highest in 17 years. I can only imagine what numbers will look like in a year, after all that transpired this week. One tweet suggested that ALL women in the SBC take a “seat” for the next year and see what changes that would bring about by the next annual conference. I venture to say that changes would be made in less than 3 months. Sadly, too many women are content to be “kept in their place.”

YES, I am angry. I’ve to edit myself in this post. I’ve had to edit what I say and how I say it. While I am so angry my blood is boiling, I have no desire to come across as bitter. My heart is shattered over ALL of this. I’ve been honest with my husband and inner circle; I LOVE Jesus, but His people have pissed me off. It almost seems surreal that “Sing another hymn Heather” no longer identifies as a Conservative Southern Baptist. It’s been a crucial, central part of my identity for so long, I am still struggling to process all of this. I don’t know who to be, NOT a member of an SBC church. I don’t know how to move forward as a non Southern Baptist.

I do know that as a female and as a mother of a daughter, staying in the SBC was NOT an option. I can’t put my daughter in a position to deal with spiritual abuse. I can’t put her in the position to be told she is less than because she was not “fortunate” enough to be born a male. I never imagined I would return to the roots of my extended family in the Episcopal Church, but here we are. Again, I am NOT happy, nor rejoicing in any of this. I see this as a loss to be grieved. I can only pray the SBC will make changes for the girls and women left in their ranks.

Heaven help us all!

Duggar’s Dissonance Divulged

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Harmony, in music, consists of multiple notes played at once; this usually involves two or more notes or chords, which is three or more notes—often referred to as a triad. A chord being built of stacked thirds is referred to as a triadic, with a bottom note being the root, a third, and a fifth.

Dissonant chords are combinations that sound jarring, like middle C and the C sharp above (a minor second).

Descant: An independent treble melody usually sung or played above a basic melody.

I’m talking about the Duggar family, so why in the world am I throwing out basic music theory terms? Glad you asked. For so many years I loved and adored the Duggars. I thought they were a family living in perfect harmony. I thought Jim Bob was singing the melody with Michelle and the kids singing harmony parts. Sadly, my ears weren’t “trained.” I so wanted this family to be the picture of what a godly family “should” look like. I wanted to believe Jim Bob was being the true head and that he was in good faith, acting in the best interest of his wife and children. If their family was a true model, then my own upbringing, IBLP adjacent, was acceptable and pleasing to the Lord.

After watching “Shiny Happy People,” I realize how dissonant, off key this family, and truly out of tune this family really  is. Jinger is out of the IBLP, but sadly landed in the middle of J-Mac land. She is attempting a harmony part, in an attempt to prove her upbringing was mostly good. Then, you have Jill, who is currently singing the descant to bring true awareness to the atrocities of her upbringing, family, and the IBLP. The reality is the Duggars are more like Milli Vanilli than a trained choral group. I’m sad and angry that I supported them and their values. I held them as a picture of a near perfect family, even if I can’t stand wearing dresses and having super long hair.

It’s amazing to me what we’ll overlook when we so desperately want something to be true. We are willing to look past the legalism, with the insane rules, and near impossible expectations. We see the things we really wanted in life. I WANTED to grow up in a family with 2 parents and a house full of siblings. I WANTED what seemed like the “perfect” Christian” family. I realize now we were seeing what they wanted us to see, but were never allowed to see the wizard behind the curtain, to pull from a favorite childhood musical. The reality is, the family, the “wizard” are nothing more than brand new music students attempting to get some sort of sound out of their instruments, or a choir full of tone deaf singers. They may look great, but the sound is atrocious.

From here I will give the trigger warning of emotional abuse and SA.

Y’all I had NO clue as to how triggering “Shiny Happy People” was going to be. I didn’t expect to want to throw my laptop off the deck and hurl it into the woods (I was sitting on my upper deck while watching).. I didn’t expect the anger, the fear, the shame, the feeling of being totally seen, and the absolute rage at watching this series. While I didn’t grow up in the IBLP, I realize how IBLP my childhood church, the mentality of leaders, and the Purity Culture really were. In the late 80s and early 90s the Southern Baptist Convention was absolutely IBLP adjacent. Even though we were not required to wear dresses every day, nor to keep our hair long, the mentality and the view of women very much resembled the teachings of Gothard and the IBLP.

As an SA survivor and a mama of a daughter, I struggle hard with the purity culture. I struggle and resist the need to make my daughter look like those in the IBLP world. There was a great responsibility to bear on the shoulders of the girls. We were taught that if a boy/ man stumbles, it was OUR fault. When I look at my own story and what I was wearing the assaults happened, there was NOTHING inappropriate about my clothing. When I was R’d for the first time I was wearing shorts and a t-shirt. Because of the year, I was also in LONG, scrunchy socks. It was the middle of the day and there were no adults in the house. When the other perp came after me for the first time I was wearing a LONG, almost FLOOR length nightgown. I was in MY ROOM, behind a CLOSED DOOR, and IN MY BED!!!!

An interview with a survivor talked about how the girls at “Headquarters” were sitting with a group leader and had to go around the circle to discuss whether or not they had been SA’d. The next part they had to answer was “What could YOU have done to prevent it?” I almost threw up. When I look at my own story, logically, I don’t see fault in how I was dressed, or even where I was. Being IBLP adjacent, I see now where the Purity Culture very much accepted, adopted, and taught that very mentality. I was taught that I was “filthy” and needed to ask Christ to give me a “Second Virginity” because I was not going to be able to bring my husband my “gift” of virginity and therefore as MIDDLE SCHOOLER had already defiled my marriage bed.

Do y’all not see the insanity of this? Do you not understand the damage this does? Do you see how victims/ survivors are held to ridiculous standards? WHY was “I” held responsible for what happened to me in 5th and ALL of 6th grade? The mentality of “Oh, it’s just boys being boys” is so extremely dangerous. My husband and I have now been married for 18 years. I STILL struggle with guilt and shame.I STILL struggle with the fact I wore white on my wedding day and even my wedding night attire was white. Based on Purity Culture, I should not have done either one. Honestly, I made my husband wear his wedding band on our wedding and kept mine on because I was terrified of the Lord striking me dead, if we didn’t. It’s NOTHING my husband has put on my shoulders, but when that’s the mentality you spent the better part of your childhood and adult life in, it’s hard to let go.

I was R’d in Spring of 1989. The SA lasted ALL of my 6th grade year, so 1989-1990. This was at the height of “True Love Waits” and the Purity Culture. It is now 2023 and while the program and the movement are no longer discussed, it has now been dressed as “Biblical Womanhood.” Same mentality, just a different look. Instead of addressing the issues, the SBC has made an attempt to whitewash everything and continues to dig their heels in. (Currently watching what’s happening in the SBC Annual Convention in New Orleans. Once it’s completed, another blog post will be coming based on the issues voted on and their results. Can’t say I’m overly hopeful at this point). 

Going back to the Duggars, I hope more charges are brought against Josh and that he ends up rotting in prison. I hope charges are eventually filed against Jim Bob and his fate is the same. For Michelle, the older girls, really all of the kids, I pray they can finally escape, find their way to a SAFE church, and learn what real harmony sounds like. After so many years of living in a tone deaf home and church, my fear is they will never know the true beauty and musical harmony until the Lord calls them home.

The SA and Purity Culture are only ONE issue I’ve addressed in this blog post. There are so many other, horrible issues to confront and address from that 4 part series. This just happens to be the area “I” have struggled with the most. Honestly, as a parent, there are multiple issues and horrendous amounts of abuse addressed in the series. I’m grateful I broke away. I’m grateful my kids can’t relate to anything in that series. My own husband can’t relate to much of what was addressed. For that I’m grateful. I don’t want them to understand. I do want them to be sympathetic. They can’t be empathetic because they haven’t walked it. I’m grateful my husband, my kids, my inner circle, and my therapist have been by my side as I deconstruct and seek healing.

For those who are walking a similar journey, I AM HERE FOR YOU! Please don’t hesitate to reach out. You are NOT ALONE. I would feel horrible, if someone I knew, loved and cared about was attempting to go at this by themselves. Please don’t. Even if I’m not the one you speak your truth to and share your story to, I hope and pray you have the people in your lives who will walk alongside through all of this. We can’t do it alone. We need our people. We even need a church. I left the SBC and have found solace in the Episcopal Church. They are wonderful. Welcoming, and accepting folks. That being said, the Episcopal Church isn’t for everyone, but I do hope you can find a faith community who will allow you the place and space to heal!